The Kaleidoscope

Losing My Balance . . .

2010-06-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

Living life is just like learning to ride a bicycle. You start off with a Big Wheel, once the front tire has lost its traction you have to throw it away and graduate to the brand new shiny bike with the training wheels. Once you've mastered that, you take one off until finally you can ride without them. Even still you have a few wipe outs, but there's always the big one that happens and you skid yourself up pretty bad, rocks get stuck in the palm of your hands and the bike falls on top of you .. You lie there looking up at the cloud, face hot from the pain, tears welling in your eyes, you'll probably cry. Once you realize what happened, you push the bike from on top of you and you get up, brush off all of the dirt and rocks, check out your battle wounds and hop back on. (I'm not gonna lie when I fell like that, that was it for me lol I would walk the bike right back to my house and get back on it later) But you get the point.

Being the youngest of three with a 10 year difference automatically made me the spoiled brat of the bunch. My mother has been a great mother to me and I've never had to want for anything, even now! I can't complain about that, but I can complain because of how it has crippled me. Freshmen year of college was my first time being away from my mother and all of her cushioning, and it was hard, many nights I cried and wanted to just give up on everything because I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and unhappy that I was on anti-depressants for the first 2 years. College is a taste of the adult life, but you're still under supervision and there are a lot of things that are handed to you. This past school year, I moved off campus and got an apartment and I started trying to branch off from my mother as much as I could. I've done relatively well but she's still a huge factor in my life and I'm extremely grateful for that.

As you know I've been buzzing about moving to Atlanta, in hopes of building a new life for myself. I haven't moved yet, but I've spent a good month or so there and I must say that the *new life* that Atlanta had in store for me wasn't all glitz and glamour like I had planned. I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason and live life with no regrets. And believe me it has helped me tremendously throughout this time. The time spent in Atlanta has truly been the darkest and lowest part of my life but at the same time it was the brightest because it shined a light on a lot of things about life, people, and myself that I hadn't seen before.

Being a psychology major I learn a lot about people, and why they do the things that they do. Little do some people know, the way that you were raised, and the things that take place in your life are the reasons many decisions are made. Luckily I knew this. I've mentioned in one of my last posts that I had wrote a paper in my Personality Theory class that really opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself. With that in mind I thought I had everything figured out, so I hopped on my bike and went full speed into the fast life in Atlanta, I hit a few bumps here and there but I still kept riding, until finally I hit a HUGE pot hole and wiped out royally! And I was left lying there once again thinking of the things that I may have done wrong. I lost my balance.

A lot of times people don't acknowledge the things that they do, they're so ashamed of them that they try to pretend that they didn't or aren't happening and get comfortable in their mistakes. Me on the other hand, couldn't deal with it. Quite frankly I was disgusted with myself for it. Why do all of these things? There is no point .. Pain can be pacified in so many ways and that isn't one of them. Never should I have to disrespect myself to make myself "feel better" because in the end I'm only hurting myself.

I had fallen so hard and far into darkness that I was unconsciously doing things to hurt myself. Its almost like I was living my life out of body, and that I was watching myself go through this faze from the outside. When making the decisions I was making, my body was there but my mind was elsewhere, wondering what was going on. It was like going under the knife in surgery and the anesthesia was wearing off, I couldn't feel everything but I was conscious and could see all of the bright lights and the doctor operating on me, I couldn't move my lips or anything I just had to sit there and watch what was going on..

Now that I've waken up, and realized the things that have gone on, I've had to ask those around me to be patient, I'm in recovery, repair, under construction. Things get better in time. Those that care totally understood and are there to support me, others left, good riddance.

When I first started facing reality, I was ashamed, guilty, and regretful. But once I prayed about it and started remembering the things that I learned from the Bible there should never be a point where I feel those things. I had to remember that everything that has taken place is a lesson experience is lifes greatest teacher I can't say that enough and I had to realize that everything that I do, I am being allowed to do. So it has to be for a reason. I don't regret anything because this was the fall that I needed to break the ground so that I could lay the foundation for a new me. I'm only 20, I have a long way to go before I actually have grown into a woman, but this is what I needed, to actually started building myself up. There are so many acts in life, God being the director, me losing my balance was the ending of an act that consisted of me making mistakes, learning lessons and going through a faze that wasn't fitting for my life. Now that that act is over I can start fresh, the stage has been cleared, the set is different and there are new characters some old but a lot have been cut.

:: Relief ::
For quite some time I've had this feeling inside of me that was weighing me down and I didn't really know what it was. Looking at it now, it wasn't weight at all, it was Him inside of me telling me that I needed to snap out of this trance I was in and come back to reality. He has been tugging at my heart for quite some time now, and I've been ignoring it because I've been so far gone inside of myself and my pain that I didn't really want to listen to it. (Backwards I know) . I'm definitely blessed because I can hear Him when He's trying to speak to me, He's been trying to get through to me for months now and I've finally hushed all of the noise that has been preventing me from hearing what He had to say. I couldn't listen any harder now.

:: People ::
I've never been able to understand how people can be so cruel to one another. I'm such a nice person that I can sometimes be naive, I'm all for positivity and love and it troubles me when I see others that don't have love inside of them. I have came face to face with a lot of dark people, I've been hurt in the process but pain is only temporary. *Shrugs* no use in dwelling on it. You can't control what other people do and how they are, and that is perfectly fine, I'm not going to waste time trying to control it. Once again I've been trying to fit people that I know don't fit, in my life. If something doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Period, point, blank. Everybody Can't Go. And that is so true, I've been surrounding myself around people that aren't on the same page as me, and I've been allowing them to be in my life for too long.

Something I had to learn is, when it comes to the people that you choose to call your friend, there should never be a point in time that you have to explain yourself to them or try and convince them that they should still be your friend. When things happen, you say your part and they should understand. And when it comes to making friends you should never have to make excuses for any of the people that are in your life, especially if you can control if they're there or not. You should be able to just go throughout the day and know that they're your friend, it should never be a feeling I wonder what is going to happen today. Type thing. NO ONE that you're allowing in your life should EVER take away your joy. Ever. I used to allow it but never again.

My mom always told me that there are certain things that a "friend" shouldn't do, and once its been done it can't be taken back. For years I let that go in one ear and out of the other, but I will never forget that now. She also told me that my friendship is just as valuable as anyone else's, and if they don't see that, let it go.

You have to love and respect yourself in order for anyone else to.

*Sigh* my prince charming will come soon I know it =) haha .. *Random Thought*

:: Scattegories .. ::
I changed up my look a tad .. Definitely starting to grow into myself. Which is awesome. // Although I've lost my balance I'm definitely standing back firmly on both feet. They've sank a little in the mud but I'm slowly pulling them out. Just have faith in me and make sure you keep me in your prayers. Keep my name on your lips, when you pray remember this, that I need you to cover me. (That's from 'Cover Me' by 21:03 feat Fred Hammond and Smokie Norful) .. thats one of my favorite gospel songs .. You should listen to it. =) // Still single. && waiting, eff looking, I have horrible luck at picking out good guys. Can't deny that being single right now is somewhat my fault, but not the ENTIRE time lol .. I don't know, things will fall into place in due time.

I'm not asking for pity either, pity parties are for pansy's lol ..

Signed,

SO dope. *

****

I ont love em .. I ont chase, em I duck em ..

Wiz's new video for Mezmorized ^_^

****

Ain't nothin changed, still rep the Gang . . .

Clippin' Wings . . .

2010-05-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

"I know how to spot a fool cause they never SHUT UP, if you speak it you don't know it, if you know it you don't speak it." - Big Kritt

That may be one of my favorite quotes right now lol seriously. As you can tell from the picture I'm fuggin fed up with the idiocy that has been going on. I've kept my mouth closed enough .. but now I'm opening it . My ears are still closed though . Miss me with the bullshit cause I don't need it . =)

By no means am I totally grown, and I'm not close to being the wisest person, but I'm most definitely very smart. A lot of situations have fallen in my lap as of late, and to some it may be discouraging, damaging, and just too hard to handle. But I like to take my own spin on things and look at them as stepping stones towards bigger and better things. Everything happens for a reason I can't say and stress that enough. Regardless of how eff'd up something may be, its always best to just approach it with a smile, those that are trying to bring you down hate to see you smile.

Those eff'd up individuals get their satisfaction from seeing their words get to you, my mother always told me that . For the longest I took that as ok my mom is just telling me to be a punk and not to stand up for myself. But now that I'm older and somewhat wiser, it all makes sense. When people are out to down you, or say eff'd up things about you, they're putting a lot of effort into it. Especially if they're just coming out and saying the shit and they don't know you and you don't think twice about them ever, they have to try hard to get your attention. I absolutely hate ignorant people. Don't get me wrong we all have our moments when we have to step out of character .. but speaking on things that you have no knowledge of is totally ignorant and I hate it. So many people are quick to judge, or just listen to what others say, reliable sources mean nothing now a days and its pitiful. People also like to play the side that has the "feel good" story. Meaning, instead of getting the truth, which may be harsh in some situations, they'll stick to the story that someone close to them has told them. Its comfortable enough for them to believe and deal with whereas the other side of the story that may have been sugar coated or completely left out may be the real spark of electricity to turn the light bulb on in your head, it may hurt just a little, but fuggit, suck it up. There are two sides to EVERY story and most people fail at attempting to get the other half which instantly sets them up for epic fails because they're basically walking into a dark room without a flashlight. Its just like not studying for a final but you're walking in with only the knowledge you have from the teachers review. That never works out well. Or even better, doing a research paper without the research ..

**Lets work on being bigger people and actually thinking things through, before opening your mouth and speaking on someone or something else (especially if it isn't really your business in the first place) think about it first. Attach your brain to your mouth ..

I've been running into a lot of people like that lately, and its really starting to blow me. People seem to make it a hobby to lurk around my Twitter, Facebook, and this blog but all for the wrong reasons. They don't want to get to know me, they want to find something on me that they can use as a little spark to fuel their little weak ass fire. One can only sit back and laugh because I mean lil ol' me? People are giving me THAT much attention? Awesome. But its a shame that people will put that much into fuggin hating me besides actually getting to know me. Not to toot my own horn but I think that I'm a pretty cool person, and it wouldn't hurt to give me a try. But hey, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink .

Anywho all of this is what brought on the title to this post. So many people are running ramped like chickens with their heads cut off, holding scissors in their hands trying to clip my wings! I'm just living life, and making mistakes and learning from them on the way, all in all I'm just trying to spread my wings and fly!! Unlike most people I have grown to notice my imperfections some have been embraced, and some have been put on my "To Do" list but how many people can honestly say that? A lot of people are naive to themselves and live their lives making excuses about the things that they do instead of accepting them and weighing out their options for change! No human on the face of this earth is perfect, but it doesn't hurt to try and be perfect at being imperfect. Don't be blind to the eff'd up things about yourself, magnify those things and work on ways to eliminate them.

I've said multiple times that I'm prone to fuck ups, a lot of us are, but I definitely take the time to think about what I did and learn from it, ok maybe I shouldn't have done that, Lindsay, DUMB!! && I think about it some more, pray about it even more and move on. Before I move to the next subject I will say this, you can't expect me to know about a situation and I haven't been informed on it. I try my hardest to practice what I preach, if I don't know anything about a situation I don't speak on it, and I keep it moving, I'm not going to snoop and be nosey in someone elses life, what does that make me look like? Ok I know a psycho, a maniac, a loser, a moron etc . . . but the point is thats not me. Bottom line, don't expect me to know something that I wasn't told. Simple as that. All I know is all I know period lol . . . My life and my world is viewed through a different lens than everyone else .. my prescription is custom and only made for me, so I wouldn't expect for everyone to understand where I'm coming from. But everyone has the ability to open up their minds && try to understand to the best of their ability .. A closed mind is a wonderful thing to waste .

:: Atlanta ::
Dev && I took a trip to Atlanta a few weeks back for a Wiz show (which was a fuggin blast) and after being there we were instantly like slapped in the face. Haha what's wrong with us? Why don't we live here? My cousin/ace Bri'el lives there and she's totally been helping us out. To sum everything up, once everything here at Kentucky State is settled I'm moving on to Georgia State. We turned right back around and went back down there to look for apartments and get to know the city more, and that was a very productive trip. I'm going back this week sometime to hopefully finalize everything with the apartment so we can get up through. I can't wait until we finally get the key to our apartment and move in because life is going to be so wavy from that point on :) .

I've met so many awesome people during my visits which is very comforting because Atlanta is a humongous place haha I'm definitely blessed to have these people in my life, and I can't wait to meet more people. Thats like my favorite thing to do anyway, so this is going to be great. I feel it.

It also helps to have my mother behind me supporting my every move, as long as I'm in school she's cool. And that means a lot.

:: Kentucky Blues ::
I've gone through this before as far as leaving Kentucky, but I've never been so ready to leave. There are no second thoughts in my mind, yes I'm going to miss the select few people here in Kentucky that I still care about, but its only like 4 hours away and I can make that drive easily if its that deep. But I also have to keep this in consideration, um, I'm fuggin moving to ATLANTA people are gonna be taking trips to see me all of the time so I'm not trippin.

I'm not gonna front there are a lot of things that will be left behind that I'm gonna miss when I finally cross those state lines into Georgia that final time, but there are way more things here that need to be left behind. So its bittersweet. But such is life. Its not fair. *Shrug*

:: Scattegories ::
*Everything that glitters isn't always gold, and just because it shimmers doesn't mean that its a diamond either! ; I fuggin love that saying .. because its true in so many ways . I'm definitely going to keep my eyes open wider when it comes to some of the people that I allow into my life . I always find myself in this situation, ya'll know I love people and making friends, but there are way more people that just don't care about people and their feelings. You can't find friendship anywhere, my mom always told me, if you leave this life with one friend you're blessed. WOW! People why are you so hateful and untrustworthy? Got damn how do you sleep at night? haha

*Pictures, do I have pictures? Yea .. but do I feel like uploading them .. NOPE!! Haha!! That takes so long I can't even deal with it right now.

*Shout out to all of my male friends that have taught me the ways of a guys mind. I've watched so many situations from the guys perspective that I feel like I have a little piece of brain up there that thinks like a guy. Its definitely helped me in a lot of situations, Greg, you've taught me well .. I don't understand everything about guys but I'm very familiar with their ways. Why do they do the things they do? Thats the million dollar question (sometimes, that question can be answered in some cases but most of the time wtf? lol) .. Thats why a lot of times when I get involved with a guy, I can see things that they think I can't . Call me Peep Game Shawty haha!!

*Umm in other news, Kush x Orange Juice finally dropped a few weeks ago .. and if you don't have it, you're failing at life. I have it on my playlist so if you haven't listened to it by all means listen away.

Better yet ..

Here's the link go download it lol --> http://bit.ly/dcqC6g

Your welcome .

***

Ok now that I've said my piece, I hope some of you got something out of this .. I'm not out to change lives, I'm just speaking on how I feel about
certain things ..

. SO dope *

Here goes a *Classic* =)

Searching for The Thrill of It . . .

2010-03-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

Duuuuuuude!!! I know I've been gone forever but I promise I've been thinking about all of my readers, and I've STILL been getting feedback from you all and I REALLY appreciate it!! The last few months have been extremely hectic for me, and I've been going through a lot but I had some free time *not really but I took it anyway* and I decided to update my blog . I have new pictures up but there are still like a GAZILLION that I haven't posted yet lol but this will do for now hopefully .

This is my first post of 2010 too so I hope that all of you have had a great new year so far, and make it a good one. Last time I checked 2010 was OUR year to shine and make stuff happen so take advantage of that!! =)

While I was away I've been going through major transformations, many pages have been turned, some volumes have been completely closed, but I'm here! So without further ado let me get this show on the road!!

:: Life ::

Life as I know it is constantly taking a lot of unexpected turns. But lately I’ve been searching for the reasons in these things, and hoping that the results are in my favor. I’m at a point in my life where I’m rebuilding and really working on becoming wise. I had to honestly start from the outside and work my way. I’ve had to come to some pretty eff’d up conclusions about myself but I know that it isn’t anything I can’t work on changing. I can give myself a pat on the back because I’ve been working on things and making new habits BUT I still have a ways to go. I get frustrated with myself at times, especially when I do something and it seems like I’ve been split in half and I’m looking at myself from the outside, I have to get myself together. Things are hard when you have so many forces against you, and sometimes it feels like you’re the only person in the world that feels that way, but from time to time I have to tell myself to sit back and really evaluate some situations, its not that bad, things could be worse!!

My broad circle of close friends has been closed in to only a very select few and I love it this way. We don’t always necessarily roll deep to places, but we don’t need to because we have each others backs no matter what and at the end of the day thats all that matters.

It may seem (to me) that some things aren’t going my way, but I truly believe that this is all a part of a HUGE master plan that is going to be awesome. I feel kind of uneasy about it now because it isn’t going my way BUT at the end of the road I feel very excited because I know that great things are in store for me and I can’t wait to see how everything unfolds. I just have to get myself together and learn to help myself in some aspects of my life and I’ll be straight!!

One of the most awesome things that has recently happened is me meeting the Taylor Gang and ever since then things have been awesome. I promise its crazy how one night can change your entire life for the moment lol. Wiz Khalifa is an awesome person, and he’s one of my favorite people right now. Period. He really knows how to bring a smile to my face, even when I don’t think I have it in me!! Not to mention he’s absolutely fuggin BRILLIANT and his music is the DOPEst!! The rest of the guys Chevy, Breezus, && Will are awesome as well!! The TG Chronicles continue to grow by the month, the next installment is April 8, 2010 in Atlanta can’t wait to see what happens and meet more of the Gang.

♥ Wiz, Me, Devan, Chevy ♥

♥ Me, Chevy, && Devan ♥

♥ Gang, Gang ♥

*If you don’t know who Wiz Khalifa is (you’re missing out) there are a few of my favorite songs by him on my playlist listen to some of those. Go get his mixtapes!! They aren’t hard to find. How Fly (Curren$y && Wiz Khalifa), Flight School, Burn After Rolling (aka the B.A.R. Mixtape) .. Coming soon Kush x Orange Juice be on the lookout for that.

Go get his album on iTunes Deal or No Deal!!

You can also find him on Twitter ((twitter.com/RealWizKhalifa)) YouTube ((youtube.com/taylorgangent)) && Myspace ((myspace.com/WizKhalifa)) GO CHECK HIM OUT!!

Taylor Gang or Get Have'd lol

Yup, Told You He's Awesome ^_^

&& Not to mention he's in the XXL 10 Freshmen for '10 =)

:: Love ::

Tina said it the best what’s love got to do with it..? Like seriously, thats a real ass question. For a second I thought I was in love but it took me snapping back to reality and really surveying the scene, when something in the milk isn’t right, then pour that shit out and start over!! Get another cup haha. Needless to say the latest relationship was an EPIC fail .. I’m not even gonna get into the weak ass details but just know that it was some baby back bs haha!! I definitely learned my lesson with that one. Other than that minor speed bump (ha ha) nothing has changed. Still kickin’ it!

Who else? Oh, Brandon and I haven’t talked since I don’t know HOW long. I’m not gonna lie sometimes I miss him a lot, but when it comes to that situation, it was a blessing and a curse all at the same time, I learned a valuable lesson with that one as well and its made me a lot smarter so you can never go wrong with that. However, besides the bs, Brandon was definitely one of the most awesome people I’ve met, and I doubt that I’ll run across someone else like him again. He was definitely a favorite of mine, but you can’t control how other people act so it is what it is. He didn’t come back to Kentucky, he’s back in California so I’m probably never going to see him again *insert slightly sad face* but I honestly think it was for the best and that things were meant to happen that way. I wish him the best. It’s still L O V E!! Always!!

In other news lol there is a 3 year anniversary coming up for me and a certain someone. We’ve been tangled in this web of whatever we have for each other for 3 years on April 1st smh who would’ve thought we’d still be wreaking havoc in each others lives this far down the road? I sure as hell didn’t but I can’t complain. Even though he’s a douche lord I can’t help but admit that my life wouldn’t be the same without him. Some of you know who I’m talking about others don’t. But know he’s definitely special to me and he’s the bomb. *When he wants to be* haha!!

:: Family ::

*Sigh* The most ‘secure’ part of my life is sadly the most unstable right now. I don’t know if you guys remember me talking about my grandfather being sick with lung cancer, well he passed away on February 15, and it has definitely been hard for my family and myself. It’s almost like as soon as I get my head above water, something comes and pushes it right back under. I haven’t even scratched the surface again, I’m still in over my head, but I’m working on it. It just kills me to see the ones that I love hurting! We’re doing better now, but his absence still stings all of our hearts. It’s like the glue that kept us together isn’t there, and we’re falling apart!

When I went home for his funeral, it was like a lot of things were just dumped on top of me and I was forced to deal with a lot in a short amount of time. Quite frankly it sucks, but its all apart of life and being an adult so I have to suck it up and learn to deal with things.

Either way, I need all of your prayers and love sent up for me, I really appreciate it!!

:: Cool Stuff, I Guess ::

Ok sorry about the downer, but hey, what can I say, it needed to be included!! I guess I can try and make up for it with some cool stuff?? I don’t know lol.

My best friends Devan, Brittney, Angie, && I have came up with an entertainment group that we call Dream House Ent. (cue the balloons, streamers, and confetti n shit like that lol) and we’re pretty much slowly but surely taking over the world. We haven’t really started doing the things that we’ve planned because of school, but we’ve definitely been networking and more people are starting to know us!! Our motto is “Live LARGE, Dream BIG, Dream House Entertainment, Come Live Your Dreams Through Us” (cool shit right?) and we’re basically aiming towards making people laugh and keeping people entertained. We’re all pretty good at it because I think something is mentally wrong with all of us lol (in a good way) so once we really start getting things off of the ground we’ll be everywhere!! It’s a lot of people that love us but there are a lot of people that HATE us lol but whatever thats life!!

Brittney, Devan, && Me (Angie took the Pic)

Some other cool shit thats going on that I have to address is Friend of Failure Clothing Co. ( F*ckin Up Since 2009) Its Not a Style its a Lifestyle . Its a new clothing line thats out right now and its pretty much the shit!! It’s taking over!! It’s basically outfitting the entire Kentucky State University campus and its spreading throughout other surrounding states! Congratulations to Dre, Jeff, Greg, Bean, Kris, && Shelton for getting it off of the ground, you guys are the shit and I have NOTHING but love and faith in you guys, I support you with everything I have, FOF to the Death ya’ll!! *Muah* Be on the lookout for their stuff seriously!! =)

I Support Friend of Failure!!

:: All Love ::

Thanks to everyone who has hit me up on Twitter asking me to update my blog, and telling me how much they like it!! I really appreciate it, like I said before, when I first started this blog I didn't think anyone was going to read it for real lol but they doo and it really gets me excited!! If you want to get in contact with me here's all of my stuff..

Twitter : twitter.com/ClassyFreshCool

Facebook : facebook.com/SoDopeLCS

Email : flutenpiccluv11@yahoo.com (thats my direct email it goes straight to my iPhone)

Skype : PICturePerfect0902

AIM/iChat : Emancipated4mluv

Hit me up!! Talk to me! If there's something you want me to write about just hit me on one of those and I'll get back to you ASAP!

Ok here go some new pictures!!

Devan && Me

Me, Timmy, Devan . ♥ This One

Just Me lol

Me && Brittney!!

Ok that's all for now.

Signed.

SO dope. *

Wiz's XXL Freestyle

Wiz Performing 'This Plane' from Deal or No Deal in Lousiville, KY .. Who's that behind him?? LOL

Ok Ya'll know I have to share the laughs .. Babyyyy && I really wanna love yoooooou!!

Everybody Can't Go...

2009-11-20T02:13:00.000-08:00

I know I've been gone for a while, forgive me, but honestly this has been an extremely hectic semester for me. It hasn't been the best but I'm learning to look for the light at the end of the tunnel or the blessing in the storm whatever I'm looking for it!!

You guys know that Bible study is always my motivation for blogs, I've been going all semester and I've been learning more about myself and God of course throughout this time. And I'm very grateful!!

[*Growing in Christ*]
I'm pleased to say that my growth in God has grown tremendously and that really is a great thing because I can see the differences. By no means am I perfect but just the simplicity of being able to distinguish between right and wrong is huge because it really stands out more to me now. And unlike any other times I'm actually overwhelmed with a desire to get better and become closer to God. Like lets be honest everyone has that period in their life where its like, "I need to get right with God because I don't want to go hell .." blah blah blah (well not everyone) but those that are God fearing have those fazes, but it's so much more than just not wanting to go hell, that should be a factor yes, but you should just want to be closer to God. If you read the Bible He promises so many great things, and the only thing that we have to do is do right by Him... thats it!! So I've been working on it, and I've been falling short like anyone else would but the things that I've been falling short in, are things that I could control.. Like drinking, partying, cursing, sex, all of those things that can easily be eliminated out of my life. It's to the point where when I participate in any of these things I feel a sense of conviction where I know its wrong and I have no choice but to repent or else it'll drive me nuts.

BG said in Bible study that being in a relationship with God, is like a marriage.. there are certain things that you can't do, can't say, certain places that you can't go.. just put yourself in situations that you know will jeopardize your relationship with God. He also said that when I'm doing things over and over like continuing to party and stuff thats just like cheating on the person that you're with, over and over, but asking for forgiveness and saying that you love them, that was powerful .. I have to start thinking of my relationship with God like I would with any other relationship, why should He be treated any different?

Ok so the song that I have playing is basically my motto on life right now, everybody can't go. And I know I've blogged about this before, eliminating people out of my life that aren't going to add to me, they're only going to subtract, so I'm definitely cutting that out!! I will admit that I've been keeping some certain individuals around against my better judgement, and I've been praying about it and finally God has shown me CLEAR AS DAY that I need to eliminate them and I'm definitely going to continue to pray on that. It's like every time I try to fit people in that I KNOW shouldn't be there it always ends in disaster, and its like, what is the point of me constantly doing this to myself? Giving up things of the world will only show Him that I'm making steps towards Him and He will constantly bless me!! Speaking of blessings!!

[*Blessings...*]
At the same time He's blessed me with someone who is amazing and who is REALLY helping me.. his name is Loren, and out of all of the times when I've met someone its always been the same but this time its different. I had sat down and had a conversation with BG about relationships and he told me that if I prayed and truly believed in what I was asking for then God would send me the man that He made for me. It may be too early to say but oh well, I honestly believe that he's the one. Everyday he shows me in different ways how he's the one for me and I'm definitely happy. So I'm thankful for that!! I will continue to thank God for that, and continue to pray for our relationship because we are both growing in Christ together and its a beautiful thing!! =)

[*School Daze...*]
Dude I'm SO SICK of school its ridiculous. But I've been praying and staying motivated and putting a lot of faith in God because Lord knows I need to lol .. There have been so many times where I've just wanted to give up!! I'm not even gonna front, I've been slippin' on everything lately and letting things suck me in, but I'm going to live my life by this song, lol and word, and start praying. When God calls I'm going to answer, and just pray when I need to. I honestly believe that everything will be ok, what's the point of me worrying when God is the head of my life and I know that He has my back? Nothing is greater than Him, and He won't put anything on me that I can't bear.. no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I have to remember that for sure!!!!!!!!

I feel better .. =)

Another thing that I've gotten really good at is, finding blessings in the storm... that's SO powerful and everyone should do it for real. Because it helps put things in a different perspective!

Take a second and listen to the song it'll probably make you think twice about some things.

SO dope. *

HILARIOUS!!

I'm Stumped!!

2009-10-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me .. but I'm so confused right now.

[*Family Ties?*]
Aight so as far as my family goes, I love them, but they have been doing me so shady lately. They've been keeping hella shit from me and at first it hurt my feelings, but they want to get mad at me for the outcome of things but they could've been totally different if they would've let me in on the info in the first place! I know I'm the baby of the family but at the same time I'm 20 f'n years old now!! So why are they making it a point to keep shit from me? Trying to protect me, I'm not 8 anymore.. Let me know what's going on WHEN it's happening, not after the fact .. UGH!! Ok I'm done talking about that ..

The confusion gets worse ..

[*I'm Stumped..*]
Those that have been keeping up with my blog posts, know about the whole situation with Brandon and I. So you guys know how he basically broke up with me and told me that what he told me over the summer was him being caught up in the moment and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. We talked another time and he told me that he doesn't want anything between us to be intimate, he just wanted us to be friends. I talked to him again and he told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he doesn't want to deal with the stress. Ok so I was hurt for the longest, but I slowly started to give up on us getting back together because he was basically telling me that this melancholy mood that he was in was going to endure throughout his time in Kentucky. Ok.

I kept his best interest at heart and waited on Brandon, I waited for him to finally come around, still do. But at the same time, if what he was saying was really how he felt then I was going to still do me and talk to others.. I mean we aren't together, us getting back together wasn't even in discussion .. so what's the big deal?

He's mad at me because he asked me questions about what I had been doing this semester, we haven't been together at all this semester so why does it matter? You don't want to be with me, so why are you trippin' on what I'm doing while we aren't together?

For a second I was feeling all bad, but its not like I cheated on him or anything we weren't together!! So he's all in this mood like, don't talk to me, I don't want to talk to you.. I'm not a mind reader, I've had conversations with him on numerous occasions trying to see where he stood when it came to us being together and us getting together was out of the question. Brandon has always held the key to my heart, and I will always be ready for him but in the meantime.. if I decide to kick it with someone else, I have the right to do that because we aren't together. But he's still trippin.. I don't get it.

Don't get me wrong I hope that he comes around and that everything between us will be fine in the end, I've been praying for that, but he isn't being rational and fair at all. I can see if he has said something to me about being with me or even expressing his feelings toward me but I've gotten none of that!!

I'm totally confused...

That's why I'm convinced that guys are just as or even more dramatic and emotional than girls.. Cause that's just crazy. Him being upset is totally understandable because if you like someone and you hear about them kickin' it with someone else of course you're going to be upset but I mean come on... To hold it against me is taking it to the extreme.

Whatever happens I hope that he comes around and that I can have my B. McQueen back because that's my love ...

[*Sloppy Love Jingle..*]

As you can see over here << there's a picture of Travis McCoy lead singer of Gym Class Heroes. Dude I'm so in love with this man .. I mean LOOK at him, doesn't he look like my type? ::sigh:: he's so dreamy, I'm following him on Twitter and he's so funny and he's just the bomb. I'm also even MORE in love with his heart, he's a part of the Stay Alive movement he went to South Africa and did some charity work and helped out a lot of people over there. He loves helping others and that's so freakin' sexy. Thats what sets him a part from a lot of the other artists out there, they make music and they might donate but that's as far as their humanitarian work goes. He on the other hand, took it into his own hands and went himself.. WOW!!

Plus look at all of those tattoo's .. Ya know I love those ..

He's so talented in many ways and that's so sexy to me, he can write, rap, draw, all of that!!

So I'm calling out to you, my subscribers and readers ALL OF YOU OUT THERE .. ANYONE THAT CAN HEAR ME!! If you could do me the biggest favor of all time .. PLEASE let Travie know that I am in love with him and that I am more than willing to do whatever it is that he wants me to so that I can be his girl lol. We don't even have to be official but if I could be on his arm from time to time and spend time with him (and Stitch his puppy lol) I'd love that. He seems like he's a fun individual and that the two of us would hit it off. I mean besides, him and Katy Perry hit it off, so I figure I have a chance too .. she kissed a girl and liked it .. if that's what he's into I'll go into Young Money mode and be on my Every Girl swag for him lol .. well not every girl but you get the point.

Please spread the word. Let him know I LOVE HIM!! Not because he's the lead singer of Gym Class Heroes but because he's awesome. Let him know please!! =)

[*Homecoming*]
Dude I'm so glad that's over with lol .. now we only have ONE game left and the season is over which means that I'll have free time to hopefully start making money. =) We'll see ..

SO dope. *

The 2nd name is the funniest one LMAO!!

&& I'm Better =)

2009-10-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

[*Easier Done than Said*]
I've been gone for a while but I'm back ya'll!! Surprisingly things have been easier than I thought. In the beginning I thought that this was going to be one of the hardest things that I've ever done, but it's been very easy actually. I've been praying for motivation and strength to stay true to myself, by not talking to him. I totally cut off all communication with him and haven't talked to him since the day I told him that I didn't want to be his friend and I wanted to end all communication between us. Things have been smooth sailing since then. It really took me having to really sit back and realize that I was allowing myself to sit around and be sad, and what sense does that make? It's so crazy how much someone can grow in a matter of weeks! It hasn't been that long, but I've grown so much.. From time to time we end up being around each other and I will admit it gets hard not to laugh at the silly things that he does but, I hold my ground and manage to stay cool and ignore his presence haha!!

I've realized that if someone doesn't fit, don't force it, and that's what I've been doing lately (trying to force things) and it's so not worth it. Love makes you do some crazy things, but your love for yourself can make you do things that will help you get out of what your love for someone else has put you in. It's taken so long for me to finally be able to say that I haven't thought about him, now don't get me wrong, sometimes I worry about him and wonder if he's doing alright, but that's been it, it's not like I sit and think about how much I miss him because I don't haha and it feels great to say that.

[*Kickin' It..*]
Brandon and I hung out twice this weekend, and it felt good to be around him again. Whatever this is, a friendship whatever, I'm happy that we're sharing it together. Even though he doesn't want to have a relationship or anything like that right now, I can appreciate the time that we spend together regardless, because I have love for him and always will. Hopefully one of these days he'll come around ::shrugs:: who knows, but at least we're getting along! I'd rather have something than nothing at all.

[*On to Other Things...*]
Band season is almost over! This season went by so fast!! OMG!! But I'm not trippin, I'm ready for it to be over with, I haven't had time do anything. Homecoming started today shoot me for normal people this week is supposed to be action packed and one of the best weeks of the year, WRONG!! For the band it means that the alumni are coming back and we're going to be busy learning a new field show, and all kind of madness. The good thing is, my mom will be in town on Friday so I'm happy cause I miss her and it's going to be good to see her, not to mention when she leaves, she's going to take all of this extra stuff home with her haha!!

Well that's really it. I wish I had more to say but I don't :-x I just decided that I'd give you an update since my last one was written when I was in the middle of one of my emotional breakdowns and I don't want that to be the first thing that someone sees when they come to my blog. I haven't felt like that since that day. WOOO GO ME! lol

Have you been staying positive? I've definitely been trying, and it helps!! Keep smiling!!

SO dope. *

I'm Through With It . . .

2009-09-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

The weekend is over. The Gateway Classic was fun as always. Nothing big happened worth talking about but this weekend has really brought a lot of stuff to my attention. Randomly, while driving home I got this rush of emotions, it was almost overwhelming, they weren't bad emotions, all of these thoughts popped up in my head and I realized that the best thing for me to do is to completely liberate myself from love. Some people might say that it's a bit drastic for me to do such thing, but I feel really good about it.

Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful and it's a great thing to have but after a while it has a tendency to become unhealthy love and it starts to weigh you down like chains or something. Right now I have several layers of chains that I need to break away from, I'm motivated and ready to take the first steps. I'm not saying that it'll be easy, of course not, but I'm not trying to go through anymore days feeling the way that I've been feeling!! This post is so random but I HAD to share it with SOMEONE!! I had to get it off of my chest. I've been walking around with all of this pain in my heart and sorrow in my eyes and I'm through with that. There are plenty of people out there that are more than willing to love me, but right now I think I need to work on loving myself. Not in the conceded way lol but I need to start realizing my worth. I've gotten so accustomed to always having someone because of my fear of being alone that I might've lost sight of my worth.. My mother has always told me that I am worth all of the stars in the sky and the moon combined and I think that I've forgotten that! There's an old saying that says, you have to learn to love yourself before you love someone else, and I'm starting RIGHT NOW.

Another thing is, since I've always been so avid at having someone in my life I haven't been able to bounce back from past situations so I keep trying to build something new on a broken foundation and that never works. I'm not settling either, if I have any questions about someone it's not worth it, the next person that I allow in my life has to be special and they have to know my worth as well. ::sigh:: I'm so ready for school on Monday because I am going to walk around K State's campus with my head held high and with a glow on my face that is going to shine so bright that people would have to look twice. And if I see him I'm just going to smile and keep moving, kill 'em with kindness . . .

I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, and clean up my house, study, and spend some time with Lindsay. I can't wait! =)

SO dope. *

&& I'm Over It ..

2009-09-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

At this point I'm feelin' like, this is my blog .. so I should be able to say whatever the hell I want to right? Right! But for some reason I've been holding some shit back. One of the disadvantages of being a blogger especially about your're own feelings and opinions is that someone is gonna get offended, someone is gonna get upset or have something to say. Well at this point I DON'T CARE there is shit that I need to get off of my chest. People can get mad if they want to, but please take into consideration that I'm human and that my emotions are just the same as anyone elses, it's just a different situation. Everyone has went through this. ::sigh::

[*If You Don't Stand for Something ..*]
I'm not going to name drop, because that's just gonna start all kinds of drama that I don't want lol .. but some of you that read MIGHT know who I'm speaking of. Ok here's the story...

Him and I met the second semester of my Freshmen year at Kentucky State. When we first met, he was the new guy at school, and he was different than everyone else, he always caught my eye. It took me like 2 months before I could gather up enough courage to actually say something to him. When I did, it went better than I had hoped and we were hanging out in no time. The first time we hung out, we just laid there and talked for hours he wanted me to spend the night, but I didn't.. But that wasn't the last time we hung out, from that point on, we were basically inseparable! If you saw one of us, 9x's out of 10 the other was close by lol .. We were falling fast into a web of infatuation and puppy love. I don't think I have ever had feelings of that magnitude hit me so hard, and so fast in my entire life. And that scared me, so I tried to back out, although I didn't want to, I was scared!! Anyway, I eventually got over that, and we continued to do our thing. That summer I spent time with him in his city and I got to learn more and more about him, there was nothing better. When Sophomore year came around, things started to feel a little different and that's when things got complicated. Man that seems like such a long time ago but it was only a year! Something different would happen every week almost and we were up and down, one minute we'd be getting along and the next we'll be hating each other. By this time, our relationship basically turned into getting back at the other, cussing each other out, getting back cool again and then starting the process over again. By 2nd semester we had done so many fucked up things to each other that I figured that we might as well just give it up.. But I couldn't because my feelings for him were so strong!!

In the meantime, while I was in the process of completely getting over him, I met Brandon and that made things so much better .. BUT we still kept in touch, of course we did, regardless of our intimate past, we started out as friends and he's one of the few people at K State that understands me, and that I can just sit there and be myself with. So of course we were going to remain friends. Now I could go down the list of things that took place but it's not up to me to put all of that out there .. just know that there was some crazy shit!! LOL ..

Over the summer we kept in touch, and he told me that he loved me .. I had always known that he loved me, but I was just waiting for the day that he would actually open up and tell me that he did. By that time Brandon and I were talking pretty tough so I didn't want to mess up something new, especially since him and I had JUST got over a big ass confrontation and a bad school year. Like I said a lot of messed up things took place between the two of us and ya'll know I'm sensitive and it takes me a long time to get over some of that .. I needed to be able to feel safe to let my guard down for him again. For some reason, when I get hurt by someone else it hurts, but when I get hurt by him? It hits me like a freakin bulldozer to the chest and everywhere else .. physically I feel pain, mentally I feel anguish, and spiritually I feel broken. I was really in love with him, but he just couldn't understand that sometimes a woman needs the time to work through the things that we go through. (Maybe its just me) When something happens to me, I need time to work through it because I try to take everything on at once, and balance so much and act like it doesn't bother me for so long that by the time I hit my breaking point it's gotten worse and worse. And that's how it was with him, I would "brush off" the stuff he would do and act like it didn't happen instead of trying to work through it and handle the situation when it happened. Basically when he was ready, I wasn't! And him being the stubborn person that he is, he doesn't understand why I wasn't ready and he doesn't want to believe it either, he just wants to think that its me making up excuses.

Now . . .

Ever since Brandon and I have parted ways, he's been acting like a complete asshole and that really makes me feel stupid cause it's like, I let my guard down for you, and I put other things on the back burner for you because I had so much faith in us .. Man was I wrong!!

I will say that I've been over doing it because regardless of me being back at school with him I have been trying to see what the deal is with Brandon but you can only go a while with ignoring me until I'm like I'm sick of it. I'm not gonna waste my time on someone that doesn't want to invest any time in me. So forget it .. I'm so burnt out on that situation .. Although it's going to hurt to let him go (of course) but there are other people out there that would love to be with me, and would love to spend time with me. And if Brandon doesn't feel that way then I should just keep it movin' then!!

Anyway, back to him, we've been back at school and we've been around each other and I've really been sitting in my room at night and thinking to myself .. it would be best for me to try and give him a try and see what he's been talking about all of this time. Over the summer he had said so much, and expressed himself in so many ways, but with him you never know what he's really thinking. But now I'm afraid to say that it's too late. Well that's what he says at least but there is something inside of me that honestly believes otherwise. Seriously. But I can't keep going on through the days here hoping that what I'm feeling is right. But I'm also kind of scared that its my love for him that is telling me that there's something there still .. BUT listen, his actions speak louder than what he's saying. He's saying that it's too late, but his actions show me that he loves me, even the small things! So I'm just confused. So right now, I've reached this point, if you love something let it go, and if comes back then you'll know that it's meant to be. We'll see what happens.

I've talked to my good friend BG and he told me about his whole situation with his last girlfriend. He was truly in love with her and she wasn't good for him, so it took him having to be alone for a long time to really understand himself and what kind of woman that he really needs. So he told me that it might be best for me to be alone, my brother Greg told me that too. So it might be hard, but I think that I'm going to try to be alone for a while. Don't get me wrong though someone is going to be there to occupy my time haha just not on some intimate stuff you know? Sometimes it takes you getting over a fear of something before you can get better and progress on to better things. My fear right now is being alone, and I'm willingly admitting that. ::Shrugs:: Guess I got a lot to do!!

The "letting go" part is going to be hard but luckily I'm making this decision while I'm busy with school and band .. So I can take all of my energy and put it into the important things. I wish I could just fast foward to like December so I can see what my progress is .. but I can't so I just have to stay positive and keep myself busy. Who knows!! This might mean more blogging lol ..

Pray for me ya'll!!

If you don't stand for something then you'll fall for anything ..

[*Quick Update*]
I got my own apartment so I'm pretty much grown now lol .. The band is about to be travelling like crazy we're gonna be at the Gateway Classic in St. Louis this weekend, Clark Atlanta University, and then Central State .. I feel like I'm missing one .. Oh well.

SO dope. *

***

Haven't posted a video in a while .. This shit is HILARIOUS!! I already think that Gucci Mane && OJ Da Juiceman are hilarious in real life but this shit is even funnier .. When OJ is rappin' PLEASE listen to the adlibs lmao that shit be havin me WEAK!!

6 in the mornin' and I'm watchin Barney
See that purple skin and it make me kinda horny ..

AYE AYE AYE DAMN DAMN DAMN!! bahahahaha

No 808's But...

2009-09-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone .. I know it's been a while but I've been so busy with life, I'm surprised that I even have time to do this right now . But I feel like I owe it to you guys and myself.

I don't want this to be one of those update posts because that's so expected, plus there are other things on my mind right now that I feel like I should get off of my chest. But ya'll know how I am, it's going to be hard for me to sort it all out. So I'm just going to (as usual) just let my fingers move over the keyboard and hope that it all makes sense in the end!! =)

[*After the Hurricane*]

Recently Brandon and I ended things, (::gasp:: I know huh?) yea it was very abrupt, but I promise I had a Jazmine Sullivan moment, I'm talking After the Hurricane cause the vibe that I was getting from him, and the whole start of the conversation was kind of easy for me to brace myself for the worst. Which it came.. As usual a lot of times when things like this happen it's easy to understand but its hard for it to register in your mind. Although it happened like a week ago, still to this day there's that (?) that's hovering over my head. Of course we've discussed the situation again but its still hard for me to grasp. I can't really wrap my mind around it. It's hard to do so when the heart has opened up to someone only to get the door forcefully closed. I swear it seems like my heart has so many bandages, and pieces of duct tape wrapped around it to hold it together I often wonder how it beats sometimes. Here's a little bit about me if you don't know already, I'm a caring person and when I love, I love hard and therefore it makes it hard for me to bounce back from heartbreak. Especially after I've put so much faith into something, and had such high hopes its really a hard pill to swallow once everything comes crashing down around you. I've sat down and had conversations with a very close friend and he brought it to my attention that it was said in the Bible that, thanks to Eve of course, the woman has a desire to be with a man, we yearn to be loved. And man, that's so unfortunate because I think I got it the worst! I promise there is nothing like being in an relationship and having someone to talk to at night, and waking up every day and taking step after step knowing that there is someone out there that loves and/or cares about you. But I mean hey it is what it is. I'm no longer in high school, and I'm no longer the little girl that writes in her diary in different colored gel pens, and doodles little hearts around pictures in yearbooks, I'm a woman now, so I have to start growing up and out of my pain and suffering when it comes to relationships. I've totally screwed myself over because I've always been so quick to hop into one situation after the other and that doesn't give me enough recovery time to be strong enough to deal with the next blow. My hearts immune system is low right now and I think it's the right time for me to give it time to recuperate! I think this is the time for me to be alone.. alone is steroids because it made me stronger ..

As far as my feelings go for Brandon, I love him, and he means the world to me. But I guess this is one of those situations where I have to just sit down and learn how to exhale, just breath. If he comes back he comes back, I can't keep dwelling on it because that isn't good for me. Of course I think of him all of the time, and of course I want to be with him. Sometimes I have moments where everything hits me like a nuclear bomb, and everything around me starts moving in slow motion and my mind starts moving so fast that its overwhelming. I start to cry but I stop. I think of how he says things, the laughs that we've had, and the memories that we've shared, like a film strip they stream through my mind, I start to get sad but I don't because I'd rather preserve him in my heart as a good thing. I know it might sound weird to you guys but I think it's the best thing for me to do. When things ended between us it wasn't a definite end to us, so who know's what the future might hold, I just don't want to leave an awkward layer in our foundation, just in case we decided to continue to build on it in the future. Something is telling me that we will be back to normal soon, but at the same time, something is telling me not to hold my breath, so I'll stay comfortably in the middle by taking baby steps to get over him, but taking larger steps to continue to love him for the good, but never forgetting the bad and keeping us in my prayers.

[*Where is the Love?*]

Of course like clock work as soon as the whole thing with Brandon happened, my ex started doing the ex factor thing. Popping up whenever I was feeling lonely, txt'n me when I wanted someone to talk to and pulling the whole "hero" effect. It was cool for a few days, but I know him like a book and I knew that it was all bullshit of course so I never fed into it for real. Which was a good thing because eventually he started doing his same ol' bullshit that he's so infamous for when he started getting comfortable and we aren't even on speaking terms right now. And I honestly believe that it happened for a reason because he is so bad for me. During our final dispute he said something that stuck with me, he said "love doesn't exist" and it really made me think about things. Do people honestly think that? I'm a strong believer in love, and even though it's mysterious love conquers all, we just need to learn how to establish the difference between love and lust, and puppy love and true love. I don't know. But I hope that isn't how he feels because if it is, then he has a very long and miserable life ahead of him, because love brings happiness that is infinite and it brings pain that is temporal because love is pain in a sense, and it always cancels out anything evil, or bad... Love is a learning device, we learn with love. Either way, love is what makes the world go round, not money, not technology, its love because it's always there, and it's free. ::Shrugs:: that's how I feel about that.

[*Best Night EVER*]

Here's another fun fact about Lindsay, I absolutely LOVE Young Money and last Thursday I was blessed with the opportunity to spend an evening with them at their AMW show in Cincinnati, Ohio. Since I had complications with going to the show in my city (Indianapolis) I figured since it was only like an hour and a half away from my school I decided to just go to that show, and I had the time of my life. Thanks to my boo's (they know who they are) it was like a getaway that I needed! I'm very grateful because one of them had to go through a lot to get my pass and stuff and I have madd love for him because of that. I can't wait until I have an opportunity to see them again!! The concert was the shit of course I always enjoy seeing Wayne in concert, I LOVE him. No seriously, I'd do anything for that man lol. And of course Nicki Minaj was the shit. Ya'll know how I feel about her. She's everything that I imagined she would be in person and more!! ANYWAY I loved Thursday night from top to bottom!! =) And I'm very very pleased that I was given the opportunity to meet all of them, they're all great people for real! I'll have memories from that night FOREVER haha!!

Eventhough I'm SUPER bummed that Drake wasn't there because LAWD KNOWS!! Had he been there my life would be totally different right now. Take that how you please, haha.. Ok sorry moving on.

***

Right now I'm at this point where I feel like I'm in a room with no gravity and I'm just hovering around lightly bumping into the padded walls around me. I'm just going through the motions, you know how there are times in your life where you feel like you have it all figured out and everything is just wonderful? I'm not there. But I'm going to stay positive because I know things will all fall into place again. Hopefully.

Sorry it's been so long, but I'm doing school (decided on Kentucky State .. not surprising I know smh) and marching band so I'm a lot busier now. But I'm going to work on posting more don't worry! I hope everyone is doing great, and staying positive :). I'm very excited about my new followers as well!! Thanks for the love ya'll =) ..

SO dope. *

She's Aliiiiiiive!!!

2009-08-16T03:02:00.000-07:00

Ok go ahead and scold me ::hangs head:: I've definitely been away for a while and I'm SO sorry but I've been out of my element kind of lately. Not in a bad way, but I've been out of town .. Right now I'm in Kentucky visiting my MMT (Band) family. I've been here since last weekend and I've been on some hardcore kick it shit lol so please forgive me for my absence.

The other night on Twitter I asked my followers if there was a topic that they wanted me to cover and two of the suggestions that I liked were getting caught up word to my boo Paris she's a fellow blogger, I'll post the link to her blog at the bottom. And the other one was eBeef, eThugs, ePersona's all as one topic. I like that one too. I'm going to make sure that I do those topics because they sound interesting, I'd like to wrap my mind around them and see what I come up with. I promise ya'll sometimes when I start writing a post they aren't planned, my mind works so mysteriously so I can be thinking about strawberry shortcake (the actual dessert) and arrive at something totally different lol. But we'll see. I figured since I've been away for so long I'd give you guys an update on whats been going on with me instead of going ham on a topic lol.

[*Torn .. Again .. SHOOT ME!!*]

Like I said I've been in Kentucky in this week, it's been a bittersweet visit, of course my friends here are finding the words to say to try and change my mind about transferring, ok *sigh* I'll admit it has been working but I haven't verified anything yet. I'm a mess huh? I know lol. My band director has been playing a huge part in trying to get me to come back, he's offering scholarship money which is definitely a good reason to come back because I'm not getting scholarship money at TSU, and I barely get financial aid because apparently my mom makes "too much money" so they give me chump change. Which isn't really helping because its like 28 stacks to go to TSU .. O_O I know hella expensive huh? But I'm staying here until Monday night so hopefully, Mr. Bailey (band director) will have a contract to sign because he's good for saying he's going to do something and then it doesn't fall through smh that man. But hey who knows. Plus my boo is going to be here on Friday yessssssssssssss I'm so excited. The thing about K State is there is like no housing, so if I come here I'd have to get an apartment which is fine, but me I'm high maintenance and I'm not going to live just anywhere I'm the type of chick to live in a loft, or a condo or something lol .. You won't catch me in no ones raggedy ass apartment with tile floors, so that's just more shit to deal with. I had mentioned that whole thing to Brandon just throwing it on the table of course its something that needs to be discussed in depth but it's always good to throw things out there lol. Anyway, I'm super excited about seeing him, I started the countdown last week :) and I've been dreaming about the moment since then so yea, can't wait!!

[*My Ears Are Itchin' I Hear Ya Talkin.. SMH*]

Other than the normal school bs, I've been coo, nothing big .. I broke my camera today FML :-/ so that means that I have to get another one before the 28th .. (America's Most Wanted Tour) cause I NEED to take pics. If my boo is reading this a new camera would be an awesome birthday gift *cough* I'm just sayin *cough* ;) haha!! The other night some of the band fam was drinking and sitting around on some extra sentimental shit and we had a heart to heart and telling each other what we like and don't like about people. Everyone had the same thing to say, "When I first met you people were saying a lot of bad things about you, but once I got to know you, you're like the coolest person and I don't know why people would say those things cause they aren't true." And that really goes to show that I am truly hated all of the time. I've only been down here for a week and people have already been all up in my business when it comes to Brandon, and someone even made it a point to go up to my ex and tell him that I was in Frankfort (cause I sure didn't tell him) and they said, damn what you been doing to Lindsay, she's gained like 10 pounds, all ass. Oh em gee!! (-_______-) you gotta be kidding me right? SMH I tell you, people here in Frankfort need a hobby because its sickening how many people try to put Lindsay 101 on their schedule!! BACK OFF! lol See if I walked around flickin' everyone off then I'd be a bitch lol but that's honestly how I feel when I'm here. LOL GOTTA PACK UP!

[*Pat on the Back*]

I've also realized that my ex is my ex for a reason, it's super random but during one of my drunken nights last week I sat and thought about him for like 20 minutes and I've came to the conclusion that he's a complete idiot! Seriously, when I think about during the time that we were still on some boo'd up shit but not together, I was basically doing anything in my power to make efforts to make things work between us. But I had to realize that it takes two. He always had something that he was concerned about (9x's out of 10 it was some bullshit that he had made up in his head or something that he's heard) or something he was trippin over .. either way it was always SOMETHING. And his whole family was on my side, his mother, (love her by the way) used to talk to me all of the time about him, and she would tell me not to give up and I wouldn't but I was so glad when I finally reached that point where I was thinking there's only so much that I can do. And I threw the towel in. But since I'm still very close with his family I notice more things that make me proud of myself for making that decision of just leaving him alone. Nothing but a headache. SMH ..

[*I Hate This Part..*]

Things are about to start getting real and I don't know if I'm ready for it. As you all know my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer like last month, and I've been doing a good job of trying to stay positive and not letting it get to me, but then I have to realize that the more time passes the closer we get to the part that I've been dreading ever since my grandmothers death. I'm not gonna dwell on this subject long because I'm not trying to be all tore up, but it was rough enough that my children and husband (whoever that may be) will never meet my grandmother but my grandfather too? That's some heavy shit! Especially since I had always dreamed of my grandfather being the one to give me away at my wedding because he's basically been my father my whole life. *Sigh* just pray for me ya'll.

***

Speaking of prayer, now that I'm here in Kentucky I can go and see my Bible study teacher Brother Gill on Monday. Yesssssss cause Lord knows I need to talk to him. He always knows the right things to say, he's always been the person to give me AMAZING advice and guidance, so now I have to focus on remembering to call him lol. GOOD LUCK!!

Ok well I'm not going to ramble on for too much longer .. Just a little update. I'll do a topic blog next time, within the next few days hopefully. Bear with me, its back to school time lol.

Before I forget, make sure you go check out my boo's blog!! : http://avixensthoughts.blogspot.com =)

SO dope. *

Aight shower me with *Late Passes if you please but when I first found this video I promise to ya'll I cried. SMH I miss him!!! (P.S. this is totally off topic lol but if there are a lot of typo's forgive me it's currently like 7:00 am and I haven't been to sleep lol I'll edit tomorrow!!)

Stop Snoopin' !!

2009-08-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

This is soooo off topic but I just want to address this, last night Brandon told me that he was over my blog because he doesn't like some of the things that I put on here .. Well!! I mean it's not that bad =) at the end of the day you're still my boo thang && I'll always scream I love my B. McQueen so loosen up a little love!!

Ok I had to say that because when he told me that I was crackin up inside like OMG! But I most definitely see where he's coming from and I can't blame him but he can't be over it though, that's a bit extreme!!

.......

[*Lemme Set It Up*]

Now back to business!! I must say that I've been blessed with a lot of female friends in my life, some are still here, and some have gone but none the less I've learned something from everyone. It doesn't have to be life changing things but I've learned something!! I'm also blessed to have male friends as well. Ladies it's always good to have a circle of guy friends that have your back because it helps a lot in sooo many situations!! Like I've said a million times, I'm an extremely observant person, so whenever my friends come to me for advice I always observe the situations that they are in and try to get something out of it! Now lately I've been noticing a lot of problems in my friends relationships, and it seems to me that all of them are suffering from the same problem, trust. I'm a firm believer in if there's no trust, there's no relationship. And that's why I have learned to trust before I take the step into being in a relationship with someone.

I'm not saying that every time I've been in a relationship I've trusted the person 100% but I haven't taken my distrust to some of the extreme's that a lot of girls do. Even though girls are more likely to commit these offenses, guys you aren't fully off of the hook cause you guys are capable of doing it too. Now that I've put that on the table, Imma go into the topic of discussion.

[*Why Do It?*]

I think that snooping is the dumbest thing EVER. What is snooping? Snooping is basically being nosey for no apparent reason, going through text messages, twitters, facebooks, WHATEVER. It's dumb so stop! So many of my friends have called me crying because they've found something and now their feelings are hurt, I never feel sorry for them because if they were looking for something hell, they should be happy cause they found something, don't try to get all sensitive because you found some shit that you don't like. I mean seriously, if you go snooping through shit what do you want to find? A whole bunch of messages about how much they love you? Yea it would be nice but what are the odds? Slim to none! Here's my thing; if you feel like you should look for something then why are you with them? What is the point of staying with someone if you have to constantly check and see what they're doing? Everyone knows the saying what they don't know won't hurt em yea ok its fucked up but its true. This is where that golden word trust comes in to play. You need to learn how to trust!! Shit happens if someone makes a mistake it isn't the end of the world, now don't get me wrong by no means am I condoning infidelity or things of that nature, but no one is perfect! What people need to do is just flow, go through the motions, quit being so uptight all of the damn time. It makes me so mad when I find out about someone snooping. It's so childish and dumb so stop lol UGH!!

[*The Nerve!!*]

Another thing, I hate when they find something and then have the audacity to try and bring it up. Like I can't help but think, how does that make someone feel when they're talking to their sigster (significant other) and they're like, yea so I was going through your shit today and I found some things and I want to talk about em ... Yeaaaa that would get the side eye from me. Are you serious? The first topic of discussion is, why in the HELL were you going through my shit? WTF!! Forget what you find I wanna know why in the hell you're all up in my stuff! I feel like if you aren't married to someone or engaged then you don't have the right to go through shit. The only reason why being married is an exception is because once you become joined in holy matrimony you're basically giving up the I's for us and there is no privacy lol. Anyway, that really urks me when I hear about my friends doing that! So you go snooping and then had the nerve to tell them about it? PLEASE get your life together and GROW UP!!

[*Time to Perform a Chin Check*]

If you feel the need to snoop the issue isn't whatever it is that you're looking for it's what you got going on and why you feel like you should be doing that. Before you start snooping and pointing fingers you need to do a chin check ie. taking a timeout and thinking about what YOU are doing and/or what your problem is. A lot of people have trust issues but honestly going through stuff is the last thing you need to be doing when taking steps towards building trust for someone. Now I do know some people that are like, yea you can go through my shit cause I'm not doing anything ok when you get the "ok go" then do it, but don't just don't do it on your own. It makes you look VERY stalkerish and crazy. (Get mad)

[*Talk It Out*]

If there's something that is bothering you, why don't you just pull them to the side and ask them about it!! If you're in a relationship where you can't even ask a question then something is horribly wrong and you have bigger things to worry about. Basically all I'm saying is, quit being nosey and trying to snoop!! If what they're doing is that bad then leave em alone. A lot of times people let their insecurities get in the way of trusting their sigster. I'll admit I've had problems like this too because lets face it, no one wants to be cheated on, and no one wants to be replaced. But once again, you have to remember that if it was meant for you and that person to be together than you would be together. So if you find that your sigster has been talking to another attractive individual don't freak out and turn into a wack job and start making accusations, that's the worst thing someone can do in a relationship. Don't accuse, ask. Stop letting your insecurities get in the way of your happiness and your trust for someone else. A relationship is about the people in it but it's also about you. You can't work things out with your sigster until you can sit down and see what you are doing. People tend to say you you you when they need to be sitting back and wondering what they have going on with their damn self. Don't get too wrapped up in pointing the finger, look at yourself first. Oh yea and once again, STOP SNOOPIN!!

Ok I'm glad I got that off of my chest because it was brought up today and I really got mad ya'll lol I had to blog about it!

This video kinda makes me feel bad lmao but at the same time it's hilarious!!!! Bahahahaha enjoy =) ..

SO dope. *

Happy Monday!!!

2009-08-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday guys =) !!!

I really don't have a specific topic for today's blog but I have a lot of stuff on my brain, I'm currently suffering from scattegories again!! *Sigh* Guess I'll just let my fingers type and roll with it!!

[*I Have to Say This!!*]

In my last written post I was kind of in a bad mood and was kind of sour when it came to my relationship. I'll admit it happens to the best of us, when you get upset and you say things that you don't mean, but you can't blame me I was on a bad emotional roller coaster ride. Girls experience that from time to time about things in their lives so I'm apologizing to my boo :). We talked and I realized that it wasn't a bad decision for me to trust him in the first place so I'm happy with him, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Even though right now it's kind of unclear what's in store for us I'm more than willing to find out. As usual I'll say I love my B. McQueen. He had to scold me a little and set me straight (lol, a little tough love never hurt anyone) but it's all love with us and that feels good.

[*Birthday Girl*]

As you know it was my birthday on Friday and it was awesome! I didn't go all out and do anything extravagant but I actually liked it that way, I just had a birthday dinner at Houlihan's and had a nice little turnout, the people that really held importance with me showed up so that's all that matters. Surprisingly I didn't go out at all but I'm pleased with the outcome of my bday weekend. I got a lot of me time which is always good. So yay happy birthday to me :) Oh yea!! Pics from my bday are in the It's A Photoshoot section!!

[*Droppin' Knowledge (In Reference to My Vlog)*]

Here's a little reinforcement for The SPM!! I hope you guys haven't forgotten to smiiile :) !! I guess this is my testimony? Haha something like it whatever!!

I have experienced a considerable amount of growth this summer and I'm so excited! I've had to learn some things the hard way but I have no regrets at all. The SPM has been one of the best things that I could've came up with because it has really helped me see things in a different light. That being said, I've came to realize that once you start growing and making changes to better yourself, it's almost like you're form is changing and other things in your life just don't fit anymore.

Let me explain.

Sometimes it takes having to spend time alone to have an epiphany that some things aren't the best in your life and you need to change it. It might be different for you but that's all it took for me, when you're alone you have a lot of time to think and observe things, rather they be good or bad, they tend to get a lot of your attention. Well for the first part of my summer I was dwelling in negativity and I was always worried about things (some of you might remember) and it was literally taking pieces out of me everyday and ultimately I was unhappy and that's not cool! When I got fed up of being sad all of the time, I had to sit back and remember that positivity is the key. Remember that.

When trying to stay positive it's more than just making personal changes, it also has a lot to do with your surroundings. Who you hang out with, and where, is very important. Once you start changing those things you'll notice that a lot of the things that you used to do really don't rock with you anymore and some of the people you used to hang out with you no longer mesh with. I've had to let someone go because they brought a lot of drama and negativity to my life that was unnecessary, even though this person was very close to me, they were holding me back from fully reaching my potential. I know there will be more people to come but sometimes the ones that you're around the most are the ones that tend to have an influence on your decision making and your mood. That's why it's so important that you just sit back and take a survey of your surroundings.

I despise people that constantly have a problem with someone, or they're upset about something all of the time. Just being negative! I used to be like that all of the time but I mean for what? What's the point? You're getting nothing out of it in the end so why waste energy?

Walking around being negative is like walking around with a million pieces of luggage hanging from you, it weighs you down and slows you down from getting to your destination, whatever that may be, so start by trying to take a little piece off at a time and things will be better for you.

[*ANYWHO*]

Now that we got that out of the way, it's about that time for me to start getting ready to go back to school. And I'm so excited!! I'm ready to experience the new scenery and make new friends. :) My last day at work is Friday and that leaves me I think like 2 weeks of down time, I'm really going to strive towards going to California to see Brandon. If he does decide to go back to K State I can see him there all of the time but I really want to get away from Indianapolis for a little while and spend time with my boo, so we'll see how that works out.

I got bored at work today and I found this website where you can like morph faces together and see what your baby might look like well I did one for Brandon && I and she turned out cute!! lol it's almost realisitic kind of. I think she would've came out better if our heads weren't cocked to the side in the pictures I used but they were the only ones that would've even remotely at the time lol. Oh well it still turned out cool. You should try it!

SO dope.*

This had me in TEARS!! *THROWBACK COMMERICAL* Vacation time! ::Insert Big Smile:: Word to Malcy Malc aka @DjProblemChild (Twitter) for sending it to me =)

I'd love to hear from you guys, feel free to share your "testimonies" as well!!!

It's My Birthday && I'll Vlog If I Want To!!

2009-07-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

So it's my birthday and I'll do what I want!! I decided to record my first VLOG!! && I hope you like it. Yesterday was a pretty pissy day for me and I kind of went on a rant. But it happens to the best of us. Don't you fret though lol I'm getting back on track with The SPM!!

SO dope. *

Yea I Said It. GET MAD!

2009-07-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

Aight forgive me, I've been missing in action I'm not gonna give any excuses or anything like that, I'm here that's all that matters!!! But I'm kind of in a I DON'T GIVE A FUCK mode (excuse my French) right now so if I say something that makes you mad, SORRY but not really . =) I'm tired of holding my tongue ::Steve Harvey Voice:: Muthafucka fo what? It's MY blog I should be able to say whatever the hell I want to. And I am!

[*First Things First*]

My best friend (the one that moved to Texas) is back in town for my friend Jasmine's wedding (we'll get to that in a minute smh) so I'm super stoked about that!! So I'm sitting here talking to her about the whole situation with Brandon, and she calls her husband (who just so happens to be my cousin) down to listen as well. So I run the whole situation by him and he immediately tells me he's cheating. I've been sugar coating this for a while but I've been suspecting it! Totally! So, hearing him say that just confirmed my intuition. I have been having the feeling like he's cheating I know he is. But since I was trying to mature in this relationship I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him! Come on now the proof is in the pudding!! He used to call every night and now he barely even sends me a txt, he did all of this talking about how romantic he is but have I received ANYTHING from him? NOPE! He even has my address!! Soo wtf? Remember I told ya'll what he told me, I'm busy, I'm working full time, I'm coaching, I'm working out and I'm tired when I get home . Aight all of that sounded good at the moment but right now that shit isn't rocking with me. The thing that Stephan said to me that really sealed the deal was this, it shouldn't matter how busy you are, if you really love and care about a person you would do anything to make sure that you talk to them, I worked 13 hours a day in Iraq and did missions that put my life at risk and I still made it a point to call Tonnica. So then I thought, if he can call Tonnica everyday from fucking IRAQ while he's in combat, Brandon can call me from California. I've always thought that but after hearing the guys point of view it's kind of solidified that. So right now I'm kind of like aight Friday is my birthday, if he doesn't do something spectacular, (he has my address so I'm waiting) I'm chuckin the deuces. As advanced as the world is today, he could've figured out something for my birthday, something but I'm not holding my breath. To be 100% honest I'm not even expecting a phone call or a text from him. SMH we'll see! But right now it's icy hahaha . I got Drake's Sooner Than Later on standby waiting to be played bahaha!! I forgot to call you on your birthday, you swear you're the last thing on my mind, there is nothing I can do to fix it, all you ever asked me for is time . . . Yea you better say that shit Drake, hell . Only this time it'll be LATER than SOONER . F' that.

[*I'm SO Over It*]

As you know I went to orientation for TSU and that worked out pretty well, I got a lot of things done and I'm excited about next year. While I was there one of the ladies said that God wouldn't have made us go through all of the things that we had to go through to get there if it wasn't worth it, and if there wasn't a reason, so I thought about that and now I'm giving it a try. I signed up for the band but I'm not so sure about that yet, smh. We'll see. That's not why I brought that up, my brother aka my best friend Shaniequa's ex (but they still do all of the things that a couple would do) told me that he would go with me cause he's never been, so I was like cool! He had said something to Shaniequa about it and I even talked to her and she didn't say anything so I thought it was cool! She calls me today on some shit like it was disrespectful for me not to clear it with her first, and that we take the bro/sis thing too far and that I'm her best friend not his and blah blah blah. Ok I saw where she was coming from when it came to the whole making sure it was ok with her thing. But she completely blew it out of proportion AND I don't like the way that she came at me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Shaniequa, she's my best friend and my sister and I would do anything for her, but lately she's been doing some stuff that has made me just kind of be coo off of her. Like she gone tell me to come to Terre Haute (boring as hell, small as hell and NO ONE is there) for my birthday because she isn't coming home. HUH? No I'm not. So after she told me that, I hadn't talked to her because I couldn't believe that she would even shape her thumbs to even type some shit like that. After sitting back and observing some of the bad habits that I've picked up over the years I learned that a lot of them have came along with being friends with her, like being negative all of the time? That's Shaniequa, she will find something bad about a person and hate them for it. PERIOD. And I've slowly been weening myself off of that bs, like I said I love her, but something just hasn't been clicking with us lately. IDK!! I just feel like my best bet is to stay away from her for a while. And see where that gets us.

[*Habitual Line Steppers*]

This seems to be a big problem lately and I'm not gonna dwell on it long. But for some reason the newest fad is for guys to cuss girls out and call them out of their name, and put their business on the street. (AKA being disre-fucking-spectful) The last time I checked that's what hating ass females did, and for some reason that's what guys have started to do. Now I haven't been called out or forced to exhibit public ratchetness yet (because I refuse to) BUT I have been called out of my name. HOLD UP STOP THE MUTHAF*CKIN PRESS!! Whaaaa? So we're calling people out of their names now? This is my take, like I said I'm not gonna dwell on it long, if you're a guy wtf are you getting out of doing that? Like are you gonna bust a nut afterwards? Cause some niggaz put in hella work to put ppls shit out there. I think it's lame and a waste of time. And I won't entertain the ignorance, I refuse. There's no point!! ::Sigh:: Guess I'll just have to be all kind of hoes and bitches because I refuse to sit there and go back and forth. I mean for what? It's such a waste of time, there are better things to do around this time like work, or prepare for COLLEGE!!! Do that!! Fuckers. MOVING ON!

[*High Pedestals*]

I made the horrible mistake of writing a post a few days ago and it was totally about him, but it was in reference to our situation. I have a friend (who shall remain nameless for now) and he has recently became a member of a Fraternity! Well ever since then he's put himself up on this high ass pedestal and he's standing firmly on top of it, there's no knocking him down and I'm sick of it. (No seriously like I want to barf every time he starts talking!) I went to his probate and bought him gifts, even though I didn't have the money to, I sold books so I could have the money to buy him some nice gifts and drive to Nashville to see his probate because I wouldn't miss it for the world. Ever since that weekend things have gone downhill with us. I'm not gonna put everything out there, but quite frankly I've reached my limit with him and I can't take it, until he gets his life together and stops sucking on all of the gases outside of the O-Zone I'm not fuckin' with him! He brings nothing but confusion and pain to my life and I don't need that. I don't give a damn what you are, or what letters you have, that doesn't give you the right to act better than me or anybody for that matter, but especially me. I have never said no to him, even when we were younger. The only time I did was when I was with my someone and he asked me to go out somewhere with him, but even then I still allowed him to come over to my place and kick it! That's where I went wrong. I should've started telling his ass no a LONG time ago!! Maybe we won't be in this situation. And oh yea! Get your mind out of the gutter because when I say I never said no, this isn't in reference to sexual things, its just stuff in general lol. Pervs!! I know you were thinking it. SHAKE MY DAMN HEAD! HAHA!! Buuuut yea we'll be at school together now shoot me!! So we'll see how this goes. I'm going to try to stay clear away from him lol that's prolly the best thing I could do haha!!

[*Return of the Recluse*]

I've been feeling very stand offish lately, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm going through big changes in my life Idk, but I've been keeping to myself. This summer I must say that I've gone through a lot of growth and I've learned a lot of lessons!! Right now I'm on this, if you aren't on the same shit that I am then I don't need you around. What happens in your life and how you live it is really depending on who you allow to be in your life. So I'm damn near ready to just stop talking to a lot of people all together. You can say that it's wrong all you want to, and that I shouldn't do that but I think I'm going to just take a break from people and see how that goes. Sometimes people bring things to your party (life) that shouldn't be there but you partake in it anyway and it fucks you up, and I don't need that. I have a lot of goals that I'm trying to accomplish this school year and I'm not about to let anyone get in the way of that. I'm all about my Stay Positive Movement (THE SPM) and if you aren't about uplifting me then get lost! For real. No exceptions! I've gotten accustomed to being by myself this summer so I think I'll be just fine!!

[*DON'T DO IT!!*]

Like I mentioned earlier, my friend Jasmine is getting married on Saturday ::sigh:: I'm not gonna go into full detail but I honestly don't think that she should do it. She barely even knows this guy I'll say that she's spent like a total of a month and half in person with him, the rest was over the phone while he was in Iraq and now they're getting married. Not to put their business out there but just know that the things that are combining to make up their relationship is not fit for a marriage that is for damn sure. If your fiance is still learning things about you, like important things that they should know way before the proposal, there's a problem. ::Throws Hands Up:: Ey, that's all I'm sayin!

[*I Guess Everyone Wants An Oscar!*]

For some reason I've ran into nothing but dramatic guys. Like no matter what, I always end up being with a guy that's dramatic as hell! I've been putting up with a lot of drama lately and it's starting to make my head hurt. Have you ever wanted to tell someone yo like seriously? you're actin like a bitch right now, quit it. Well that's how I've been feeling lol. Give me a f'n break, plus untuck your nut sack, let that shit swing, and MAN UP!! Sheesh! That's such a freaking turn off!! SMH. Speaking of dramatic the 30th is my little brother aka my ex boyfriends little brother's birthday and I'm going over there to celebrate ::sigh:: we'll see how this one go. I bet that the drama will be at an ALL TIME HIGH!! We'll see just how dysfunctional this is, anyone know how to tie a noose? Bahahaha!!

[*Fun Facts!*]

My birthday is the on the 31st. WOOOO HOOOOO!! And I'm totally stoked!! I gave myself an early birthday present, it's a bad ass tattoo, I have one more session and it's done!!! Oh yea, I was supposed to take my friend with me when I went for my last session but I went on his Twitter and he was talkin' hella slick about it so we'll see. ANYWAY!!

This is the tat:

Yea it's dope I know !! To explain it, the flowers are called "Narcissus Flowers" and narcissus means a conceited person

(even though it isn't me lol but it goes along with the words) and because their poisonous flowers. I figured that would be

dope to go along with "Femme Fatale" which means dangerously attractive woman and thats what the words are.

All she has to do is add the leaves and the blue accents to make em pop and I'm finished!! Her name is Brandee Gordon

and the name of her shop is Native Ink Tattoo. She's on twitter && myspace look her up ppl and hit her up, she does

really good work!!

Well! That's all folks!! =)

SO dope. *

Family Matters

2009-07-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

I knew this was coming. Ok so have you ever acted on impulse and didn't think of the consequences but by the time you've done that it's too late?

Yea I'm tryna be proactive. Right now I'm at a rock and a hard place. As you know, I've been accepted to Tennessee State and I had plans on transferring there in the fall and leaving Kentucky State behind me. I was all game for that because I've always loved TSU and my best friend goes there so I was all amped up for being at school with him.

But my friend from KSU had a talk with me last night and so did one of my co-workers. Maybe I should look at the pro's and con's of the two and then compare them. Aight so here it goes.

TSU Pro's :

New scenery . New start . Bigger school . Better city .

KSU Pro's :

Brandon's there . I won't lose any credits . Established friendships . Big opportunity has been offered that means a lot to me, can't say it on here but it's awesome . The band is probably going to kill this year which means 2nd year at Honda .

TSU Con's :

Lost credits . No established friendships for real . (Well just my best friend Vincent and then my "friend" Shawn, plus Brandon and Jahmal) but two of those are in fraternities so that's just drama waiting to happen . I'd be the new girl on campus . NO band .

KSU Cons :

Small ass school . Same stupid, petty bs that I was dealing with last year .

I can't think of everything right now, but the biggest thing that's puzzling me about this is, no band? I mean I know what you're thinking TSU has a band so I can just join there right? NO WAY!! After all of the blood, sweat, and tears that I put towards MMT (Mighty Marching Thorobreds) I refuse to give myself to another band like that. No can do. Some of you can call it a stupid reason if you want to, but quite frankly it's extremely important to me. I've been in band for almost 10 years. A DECADE!! It's basically a part of me, it's like a person that has dedicated their life to basketball and just decides to give it up way before their time.

Plus during all of the stuff that I've gone through with these people, it's brought us close together like a family and I don't know if I want to leave that . MMT is my extended family and they meet a lot to me, so I don't think I can just pack up on them like that!

We'll see .

SO dope. *

SO Dope Recognizing Dope-ness

2009-07-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

Ya'll know I love me some YouTube, well while surfing video's I came across this guy, truly amazing. Me being a musician myself I love seeing other musicians do their thing and do it well!! I LOVE IT! Here are the two video's that I enjoyed because they're covering two of my favorite artists. There are many other super awesome video's on his channel go check him out and subscribe. If I'm late feel free to issue me my late pass. But he's the truth! Enjoy . . .

Kanye West Medley Good Morning, Champion, Can't Tell Me Nothin, Flashing Lights, Everything I Am, Good Life, and Stronger

Best I Ever Had

Did you peep how he threw the theme song from The Andy Griffith show in there?? Yea he's dope.

He's got the SO dope. * Stamp of Approval. Balee'Dat!

SO dope. *

Run For Cover .. I Think She's Gonna Blow!!

2009-07-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a little piece of business about the kid, I'm extremely easy to get along with, if you're my friend I will love you unconditionally and keep nothing but your best interest at heart. When I fall in love, I fall hard and I will put my all into it. Sometimes I just like to sit and listen to my surroundings and soak everything in that's going on around me, I put a lot of thought into practically everything, I'm an intellectual thinker, I'm the person that tries to sort things out in my head before they happen to try and prepare myself for the result of things, make sense?

Well with that being said this post is coming from me sitting and observing things, holding in feelings, trying to ignore things like they aren't happening but I'm so filled up with all of these emotions that I feel like I'm about to explode! ::Screams:: We're gonna throw the Stay Positive Movement out of the window for this one cause this isn't going to be positive at all lol I need to get this off of my mind though.

Since I've been out of school I've had a lot of me time because I'm alone all of the time since it's just my mom and I at my house, and during this time I listen to music and I think a lot. Have you ever felt like you've been thinking too much? And you have so many idea's in your head that you can't even squeeze anymore in. Yea that's how I'm feeling right now and I'm over it. Seriously! Haha!!

Love ;; Ok. Throw me a rope! I'm tip toeing on the brink of insanity when it comes to this. I am so drained right now. But I can't really do anything but blame myself because I've thrown myself into a pool of a gazillion emotions and I'm in over my head. It's driving me nuts. I'm such a loving person, I wear my heart on my sleeve (yea don't get any idea's either) and I'm hella sensitive so it's like once I get involved with someone for a long period of time it's like they get a little piece of my heart. And right now at this very second, I'm overwhelmed!! ::throws random object:: I love so hard that it hurts sometimes. Like I invest a lot of my thoughts and my feelings into relationships and I need to quit doing that. My ex is here in Indianapolis and we still talk (we work at the same place) but it sucks big ass BLUE balls because he knows me so well. I can call him and talk to him about something and he'll give me everything that I need even if it isn't necessarily what I want to hear. Honestly the only person that knows me better than him is my best friend Shaniequa. I think it's because we spent so much time together in our relationship of 2 years, we would just sit and talk. It's crazy cause we can go for months without talking and he can call me and talk to me like those 2 months didn't happen. But of course there's a catch, besides the fact that he knows me, he's so wrong for me. He's the jerk that doesn't hold the door, and says stuff to me that you shouldn't say to a woman, like he's a Grade A asshole and I don't need that. I'd like to keep him around but the whole being friends with your ex is weird to me, PLUS Deborah and R.L. said it the best we can't be friends. So scratch that!! Anyway! Brandon on the other end has all of the qualities in a man that I want. And my heart/mind is telling me to stick with him. So lets hope that I'm making the right decision O_O . It's all a matter of being patient, it takes a while to build a relationship, I'm just expecting things to fall in place immediately. Ugh, I have got to stop doing that. LOL I love my B. McQueen so whatever, moving on.

I know that you've heard the stories or seen the movies about the guy that had the girl that was all head over heels for him and what not, and he treated her like shit and so she left him alone and then he wants her back but it doesn't happen. Yea I'm in a situation like that. There was this guy at school that I was head over heels for. I adored him! He came along with the hero effect, I had just gotten out of the relationship with my ex and I was all heartbroken and hurt, and he came along doing and saying all of the right things and so I gravitated towards him. Well once time passed and we were comfortable with each other he did a complete 180, he was horrible. Basically to make a long story short, I eventually got over him and now he's all in love with me. I promise my mom wasn't lying. She always told me that when you ignore a guy they're going to come at you strong! Every time I've done this it has worked. Except in this situation I'm feeling hella bad for him because he really loves me. But then I think like ok, he wasn't taking my feelings into consideration when he was treating me like crap so I guess this is just a case of karma. Damn she's a bitch. But oh my goodness he's so dramatic and I promise that gets under my skin. Don't flood my inbox with drama at 6:00 am. STOP IT. ::Slowly Breathes:: Ok lets keep it moving.

Life ;; I swear I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it seems like if it's not one thing, its another. Something is always going wrong. I'm asking myself, what do you do when you feel like everything is slowly but surely falling apart around you? I made the horrible mistake of going to my grandparents house with my mother and I got presented with a lot of stuff that I had no clue about. I'm sitting here listening to her, my uncle, and grandfather talk like damn when was I scheduled to receive the memo? She's telling me not to worry but I can't help it!! My biggest downfall has been losing sight of the path that has been placed in front of me by God. It's like I'm standing there staring at it while all of this stuff is getting piled on top of me. I promise it feels like I weigh 500lbs. It's gotten to the point where I need to just let myself fall down to my knee's and pray. My favorite saying is Prayer + Faith = Results I'm a firm believer in that.

I have got to remember!!

When you start living your life for yourself and not for Him things will start going haywire. God is the adhesive that holds our lives together and when we start going through life without Him, things fall apart. I have GOT to stop letting myself get consumed in worldly mess. Seriously. I'm not saying that I'm going to be an angel because that's impossible but I need to stop trying to live on my own like I don't need Him when I do. Once you start getting your life together that's when things are going to come at you 10x's harder because they don't want to see you better yourself and live for Him. Man, what have I been thinking?? I'm not going to down myself because everyone falls short that's life, I just need to get back on track. I think my biggest downfall right now is the fact that I'm not really happy with the church that my mom goes to. I love the pastor I've known him for my whole life almost, he baptized me, but I'm not really feeling it. When I first met him he was an associate pastor at the church that we started off going to, and when he left so did we, but now that I'm old enough I think I'm going to start going back to our old church. Even if that means going by myself. I have GOT to get myself together. That is the only solution right now. It's clear! *An awesome song for this is I'm the One by Deitrick Haddon. Check it out!!*

I feel better already.

Lastly ;; I really wish that people would learn how to embrace themselves for who they are. I'm so sick of seeing people trying to make themselves out to be something that they aren't. If you're weird embrace you're weirdness! To me being cool isn't what everyone else is doing, being cool is being yourself. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

No one wants a knock off. LOL so just be you.

When I was growing up I was teased a lot because of how I acted, or because of how I talked, but at this point I'm looking at myself like I love my weirdness and everything else. I love myself. And that is so important that you love yourself, not on no conceited stuff, but love yourself. You can't love someone else until you love yourself. Balee'dat .

SO dope. *

P.S. This song is soo real, most definitely one of my all time favorites. Loved the movie too. Kind of sums up some of my feelings. Listen and you'll see where I'm coming from :)

Don't Say You Will .. Unless You Will (Theoretically)

2009-07-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so while at work I was thinking, I haven't posted in my blog since yesterday so I might as well post a little something. LOL

Well it's hard to just pull a post out of thin air so I turned to my good friend Yeezy (808's && Heartbreak to be exact) for some inspiration. I'm sitting here boppin to Say You Will and my mind got to thinking about the lyrics. The shit he's talking about is real life shit, like have you been in a situation like that?? Ok this isn't necessarily my interpretation of the song because I have many, however, this is where my thought process took me.

Aight so theoretically, you have this person in your life that has this hold on you like, you love to hate em and hate to love em. You try your hardest to let them go but for some reason you can't because they always do something to pull you back, a random text/phone call, cameo appearance in your world, WHATEVER! No matter WHAT they do or say you have them on your mind constantly. Like seriously what is the purpose of this person? They're the sweetest drug but come with sucky ass side effects. They're never consistently in your life they fade in and out, but their presence is always there. When they aren't in your life you miss them, always wondering what they're up to, wishing that you were cool, but when they're there you're always going through the most like, omg why am I doing this to myself ... AGAIN!! SMH doesn't make any sense!! And it's not like they can come in your life and then go, naa they have to do damage!! You have these weird unexplainable feelings for them, you love them, but then again you don't, then you aren't sure if you do or not. Whatever those feelings are it seems like when you're around this person the feelings consume you and can't get enough of them! Ok so forget all of that you brush it off. Cool.

As time goes by you start putting more thought into it like, damn this person is really close to me and we've been kickin' it for years now, we might as well get together!! And of course, they're on a completely different agenda, with different people in and out of their life, same with you, as soon as they're available they want you, but you're not so you can't pursue it. That's the worst. ::Sigh:: so more time passes and you're both single, finally and you think that you're going to get together they say that you are. They pump your head up and got you thinking its really about to happen this time!! But it doesn't happen, same bullshit, someone has came in their life and you have been put on hold once again (-_-) so you're at a loss right now. Hopes were as high as all of the sky scrapers in NY and your feelings were as strong as the year is long and you've been bamboozled, tricked, lied to, played, heartbroken.. again!

The thing that really racks my brain about this is what do they get out of that? Do they go into the situation with full intentions of being with you but then "shit happens" and things are once again postponed, or was it all a game and they wanted to see if you would go for it, or is it simply because it isn't meant to be? But wait, it feels so good to be with them. Whenever you see them you're hearts all a flutter, you start blushing, and your eyes are all googley over them. They're so dreamy. How do you break yourself from these restraints? This is truly an example of being wrapped around someone's finger, and man does that suck!!

The only thing that's worse than a heart being broken is a heart being on hold, hoping maybe it'll be your turn to take a chance at loving this person. You know good and well that there are so many other fish in the sea, you fall in love with others, get wrapped up in relationships, serious ones, but yet and still there's that little tingling feeling in the back of your mind that longs for them. It's like a whirlwind effect, I wonder do they think of me like this? Do they feel this way about me? Millions of questions that are asked on the regular hoping that their answers are the same as yours. How do you fix a relationship that has been ruined countless times before it has even started?? How do you fix that? Forgiveness can only last for so long, they'll come around won't they?

I admit I still fantasize about you, about you, hey hey hey, don't say you will .. unless you will .

Why do the phone calls continue? Why do the hugs get longer, warmer, and more intimate? Why do those brown eyes pierce further into your soul? You've only been intimate once but you cherish the moment closely to your heart, lying in your bed hoping for one more night. And hoping for your chance.

Sick, sick individuals condone this behavior and it won't be tolerated over this way. I refuse to be strung along for a long and grueling lifetime with this person. I can't help but think, what would happen once you get together with this person? Is it everything that you've hoped for? Or is it nothing more than a complete catastrophe? I don't know!!

I guess the moral of the story is .. Don't say you will ..

SO dope. *

P.S. On a lighter note lol if you haven't seen this video yet you're missing out!! This is one of my favs!!

We eatin' ya'll purple haze mutha fucka, and we eatin ya'll cocaine rock smokers cause its a new rock coming to town purple rock cocaine and its not for sale, and it's taking all of you muthfuckin dope smokers to the moon!!! LMAO *Classic*

The Honesty Box Bandit Strikes AGAIN!!

2009-07-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up to this bs and I thought I'd channel all of my frustration through my blog. Whoa!! Don't you fret, I'm not upset or anything I'm just a little puzzled right now. To start of this rant, I'm going to put you up on game. Me being the person that I am, not being conceited I'm just saying, I've had a lot of haters in my time. And where is the haven for haters? Facebook! Why because of an application called the Honesty Box (as exhibited in the corner.) Now, the majority of my messages are nice and positive which is fine BUT every now and then I get a visit from a Honesty Box Bandit that goes out of their way to say some bullshit that is just unnecessary!

This has happened to me multiple times but this one this morning just really tickled me and got me thinking. First of all, in order for them to find my honesty box, they have to go through a lot of searching and what not because I took it off of my page for this very reason! The message read something like, Grow up. You are a waste of air lmfao BITCH! ::blank stare:: ok umm I'm glad you had to get that off of your chest lol. Sheesh!! Recently I've became a fan of Nicki Minaj and she has something called the Nictionary. And in the Nictionary there are definitions of terms that she uses. One of my favorites is Strawberry Shortcake.

Strawberry Shortcake: 1) A broke bitch 2) one who loses sight of her goals and CAKE by focusing on BEEF and negativity.

The second part of the definition is my favorite. So many girls/guys are doing that, now that I put you up on game, that's why I'm frustrated!!

We here at The Kaleidoscope are all about open happiness, love, positivity, ALL OF THAT and it's highly unacceptable for someone to be on anything other than that. So that's why I don't understand why someone would want to consume themselves in negativity. But then it dawned on me, once you're happy because you're doing well, and you're getting blessed, there's always that person that tries to steal your happiness. Why get upset about someone doing well, you should take that as motivation to step your own shit up. I know I do, if I see someone out there doing it big, I always use that to strive towards doing it even bigger!

Hating on another guy/girl isn't a good look, that's lame!!

::sigh:: So now that I've gotten that off of my chest I'm going to say, when things like this happen all I can do laugh about it. And think that I must be doing something right for them to take time out of their day to say something about me. Little old me!! :) Haha!! This is a great example of me sticking to the stay positive movement because I'm definitely going to find the positives in this and stick to it!! Also, make sure you start calling out those strawberry shortcakes out there. Haha and make sure you laugh.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on completely deleting my honesty box because clearly people don't know how to act. We're staying positive and that's just a doorway to let in the negative energy and I don't need that!! So I'm gonna throw my head back and laugh ha ha ha ha ha!!

On to more exciting news, I'm going down to Nashville on the 28th for new student orientation! So excited!! In spite of how things have turned around for me, I'm still ready to move away from Indianapolis and start off this new chapter in my life. :) I have an AMAZING feeling about this, starting off on a new leaf is a great feeling!! Oh yea and its Tuesday cha ching! 40 cent wings at BW3's I'm IN THERE! TastyPow!!

I'm not gonna ramble on, but remember keep smiling :) .

I had always been a fan of the grape lady video. Where she falls and like screams for 30 seconds lmao!! But I ran across the Family Guy version lmao! I was sooo STOKED! HEE-LARIOUS!!

.. It's amazing, I'm the reason, everybodies fired up this evening, I'm exhausted barely breathing, holding on to what I believe and no matter what you'll never take that from me my rein is as far as your eyes can see . So amazing .

I'm a problem that will never ever be solved ..

SO dope. *

I Pok(her) Face

2009-07-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday guys!!!

I got a lot of rest this weekend ( surprisingly ) so I'm all smiles . I talked to Brandon before I went to sleep Saturday AND Sunday so that definitely made my weekend!! :) Well so did the Yeezy's but talking to him was the icing on the cake ::sigh:: he's so dreamy lol

This new video release makes me smile even harder ! MTV released a 30 second preview of this video on Friday and now it's here!! The Official Video for Kid Cudi's first single featuring Kanye West && Common Make Her Say is finally here!! Enjoy!!

Oh and just for giggles lol I ran across this HILARIOUS video on YouTube . Enjoy your vacation thank me later :) . Fast forward to 1:56

to get to the funny part :)

See? MJ had an impact on EVERYBODY!! Hahaha!! I just had to contribute to all of the open happiness that's spreading all around hehe!!

Oh yea!! Check me out!! How do you wear your Yeezy's? Those are leopard print leggings by the way :)

SO dope. *

You Can't Tell Me NOTHIN!!

2009-07-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

Welp!! Luck is definitely on my side!! Things were sucking horribly but now they couldn't be better!! I got accepted to TSU and then won myself a pair of Air Yeezy's in a raffle.

The funny thing is, I've never won a raffle up until today!! Sheesh, and to think, I used to get mad at the basketball games when I didn't win a free t-shirt, to not win these would've been DEVASTATING!!

It still hasn't hit me yet. The tickets were $10 each and I spent $50 on them. Man o' man! I'm so glad that I took that chance haha!! I thought the $50 I spent on a fake ID was the best ever spent no way, I think THIS ONE takes the cake!! Haha!! Definitely feeling myself right now, I feel like I can do anything!! Sheesh!! That's all I can say!! They told me that a guy had JUST came and spent $150 on tickets, and he didn't win thats crazy ya'll! The first ticket pulled wasn't even mine, but the person wasn't there. I promise I wish I knew who that person was so I can give them a hug haha!!

This 12 year old kid was there, with his shirt that said Yeezy Knows, see he was giving me his poker face the whole time bahaha!! FAIL!! Should've asked him for it. Cause it definitely matched. Shoot.

In the words of Yeezy himself, you can't tell me nothin'!! ::Insert Jeezy Laugh Here::

.. So if the devil wears Prada . Adam, Eve wear nada . I'm in between but way more fresher, with way less effort ..

SO dope.*

It's an Epidemic!! Open Happiness

2009-07-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

This has to be like one of the best things I've seen all week!!

This definitely goes hand in hand with my "Stay Positive" movement. EXCITING!! I loved it! The name of the song is called "Open Happiness" and it's one of the best collaborations EVER. Travis McCoy (LOVE HIM) *Gym Class Heros*, Patrick Stump *Fall Out Boy*, Brandon Urie *Panic At The Disco*, Cee Lo , and Janelle Monae.

TheBomb.com right??

Well it's definitely a happy song, and I'm gonna save this one for a rainy day :)!! Don't forget to smile ya'll it's a mini va-ca!!

Fun && Happines right? I know, I know lol

SO dope. *

New Chapter ((BACK TO SCHOOL))

2009-07-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!! I know what's going on with me in the Fall, I got my information from TSU and that's where I'm going . I had a mini freak out after I found out that I was accepted because I have everything for me there BUT Brandon. ::Insert Sad Face:: but then I got to thinking...

Until today I was clueless about what I was going to do in the fall, but now that it's came up I guess that's God telling me thats where I belong. It's only a few hours away from K State, I've made the drive twice!! So I'm thinking if Brandon really cares about me the way that he says he does, then he will be willing to make things work regardless of where we are. If not, then I guess it wasn't meant to be. If he brings his car with him then we can alternate visiting on weekends, which will be easy since I'm not marching. ::Insert Sad Face:: I'm definitely going to miss that as well. But hey, sometimes change isn't always that comfortable in the beginning but it all works out in the end.

I'm kind of scared because it's a new environment, new state, city, campus, ppl, but I have a few people there that I know will help me out. It's just a matter of staying positive, and praying and putting my faith in God so that He can continue to order my steps in the direction that they need to be going. I had prayed and asked Him to show me the way, and I guess this is the way. One of my favorite sayings are, "Everything happens for a reason" so we'll see :).

Pray for me ya'll as I embark in my new chapter. I have a good feeling about this, I know it's the right thing to do. I'm starting off fresh, with a clean slate and that's always good :). I've heard people say, "don't be afraid of change, change is good" I agree!

SO dope. *

I Need A Vacation!!

2009-07-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday which means that the longest week of my life is coming to an end! Don't ask.. I have no idea how it ended up being so long but I swear it feels like today should be Sunday!!

As you know I recently kicked off my "Stay Positive" Movement on Monday and I just wanted to give an update and let you guys know how I've been doing AND say that I hope that things have been working out for you as well!! This was a tough week for me, not necessarily because I had a lot of drama going on but because I haven't been getting enough sleep and that starts to take it's toll on your body after a while ya know? And that's what I'm experiencing right now ugh! Not to mention that I've been trying to figure out what's going on with school in the Fall. Yea I STILL haven't gotten any feedback, at this point it looks like I'm going to be back at K State, if you know how to tie a noose please send it to 400 E. Main St so it can be waiting for me upon my return!! LOL!! I hate that school ya'll! But I guess I've done relatively well. I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and it was awesome!! If you're a HP fan and you haven't seen it yet, I suggest that you go ASAP because that movie was indeed thebomb.com ok?? TRUST ME!!

Brandon has started working full time so he has NO time for me at all. Which sucks hella blue balls because I'm an attention whore, I need attention and affection from my significant other. A lot of my last relationships have been epic fails, so when things aren't going the way that I think they should be, I start getting this tingling feeling in my brain about it. My mind starts moving at a gazillion miles per hour and SO many thoughts cross my mind it's crazy!! But I had a convo with one of my guy friends and I've decided that I needed to incorporate trust and patience into my relationship skills. Don't get me wrong I have all of the those things but when it comes to times like this when I'm not getting calls from him for days at a time I can't help but wonder right? Any other time I would've flipped out and just called it quits, but I'm trying something different and I'm trying to be understanding and not be all up in his face about it. I know he has feelings for me and that he cares about me, and I've taken his word and held it closely to my heart when he told me that if he's going to be with me, thats it, it's me and no one else and he's going to give it his all. Even though if this is his all I'm not really excited about seeing what his half is lol, I'm just sayin!! But when things aren't going bad things are wonderful so I guess it's worth me giving it a try, and whats the worse that can happen? Ok so he hasn't been making the best decisions, ok, that's fine, once I get proof and I'm completely unhappy with the relationship I can take it as a lesson learned and move on!

I swear there's nothing better than learning a good life lesson. No matter what it may be, in the end I promise it's a great feeling knowing that you've experienced it (good or bad) and you know what to do, and what not to do the next time. It's like a little heads up!! Although it seems like I've experienced almost everything there is to experience in relationships ::sigh:: I know there are so many more lessons that I have to learn. Guess I have to get out my notepad and take notes!!

My sister is going to Cali during my birthday weekend, so I'm going to try to go with her so I can go see my boo. Heavens knows I NEED A VACATION ::Jeezy Voice:: lol. Forgive me.

Enough about me!! I hope that things went a little smoother for you this week!! Like I said the week is almost over! You'll be kicking your feet up and relaxing watching One Saturday Morning in no time. (Do they even still have that? Oh well! You get my point.) This has basically been Harry Potter week (trust me I'm going somewhere with this) so lets look at things like this. Dropping knowledge once again, in HP world there are these beings called dementors and they suck all of the happiness out of the area when they come around and they suck out your soul all of that, we're not gonna get into the specific details lol but that's the general idea. ANYWHO!! Whenever Harry was faced with one he had to perform the patronus charm and in order to do it effectively he had to think of an extremely happy thought that would fill him up with joy so he could scare it away. Now, lets put this in muggle (normal ppl) terms lol, sorry I couldn't help but laugh, I mean lets apply this to real life. When something/someone comes around that's probably going to try and steal your joy, think happy thoughts, think of something in the future whatever makes you happy think about it! And don't forget to be positive, and don't let it bother you. You can also look at it like this let the happy thoughts and your positivity be your super ballin' American flag hammer pants as you round house kick the negativity into smithereens! (Yea I said smithereens lol) !!

So come on it's hug time bring it!! It'll be ok! Go do your favorite thing this weekend, everyone has that one thing that they do, to escape and relieve stress. Do it! Well as long as it isn't anything bad lol I don't encourage that but you get my drift!! All of us need a vacation from this madness but don't forget that laughter and happiness is a mini vacation so I'm going to make sure I'm vacationing all weekend!! OH!! And sleeping!!

Stay positive guys :)

Sincerely Signed.

SO dope. *

Being Positive . . . It's A Movement!!

2009-07-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's up with me today but I've been in a pretty good mood. Yea I know!! Not used to that huh? You guys are used to hearing me talk about how I've been getting rained on by bricks!! Since this is probably a short lived experience I figured, why not? I might as well share it with you guys.

*Fun Fact: Speaking of you guys it has been brought to my attention a lot lately that I actually have readers!! O_O ::applause:: WOW cue the balloons and the confetti!! Pass out the party hats and the little bazooka things!! (zzzz zzzzz zzzzz pick up the pieces, all of the pieces, bet not see no pieces on the flo!!) That is absolutely AWESOME!! You have no idea how exciting it is to know that I'm actually talking to someone, instead of all of the cyber fuzz out there. I'm EXTREMELY grateful that you guys actually find something interesting in my life, and all of that jazz! - Sheesh talk about being under pressure!! lol ANYWHO!!

After being on the brink of my plunge into depression. *Notice how I'm making a joke out of this, I'm OH so sarcastic* I woke up today and I realized, things aren't that bad. Ok yea so we're having money issues and I'm a little on the lonely side. Big f'n deal, everyone is struggling right now, it is a recession, Jeezy said it for goodness sakes (please forgive me for saying that, smh lol) but you get my drift. When I was at school I attended Bible studies on Thursday's and one of the lesson's that stick in my mind everyday is the lesson on words. What people don't really think about is, your ability to speak is like the most powerful thing. Words are so powerful it's crazy.

Perfect example ; You're in the club or at a party, however you rock its fine, and the DJ puts on "Knuck If U Buck" now everyone knows what that means. Someone is about to get a little too excited with punching their hand, and a fight is going to break out. All because of yea we knuckin' && buckin' and ready to fight I betcha I will throw them thangs so hataz betta think twice... etc. (Again, please forgive me lol)

Ok that being said, words have an impact on our lives. Pep talks, lectures, and most importantly prayer involve words. I've grown to learn that if you say something and mean it, it's probably going to come true, like one of the things that people tend to do is immediately go into negative mode because it's rainy or gloomy outside. Right? We look out the window and say Ugh it's raining outside this day is gonna suck! And 9x's out of 10 the day actually sucks. I've came to the conclusion that I need to get back on my optimistic - mobile and continue on with my "Stay Positive" movement that I had going on at school. So I'm gonna drop some knowledge on you guys real quick.

I'm on my Twitter a lot, and I can't help but notice that almost everyone is going through something right now. And that's fine and everything because I'm going through the most in my eyes, but I'm so sick of dealing with that. When you let things get to you, and you walk around bothered and worried about stuff all of the time it's almost like walking around with weights hanging from your shoulders, and steel boxes on your feet. Ok seriously why do that? Things happen that suck, that's a part of life, but your life is only what you make it. Why not make the most of it? Try to find the positives in everything!! Wake up in the morning and say, "Today is a good day, and nothing is going to get in the way of my happiness." Say it and mean it. Believe it. And I bet things will be a little better for you. Stop complaining and start being thankful for things that happen. Things happen for a reason, sometimes we don't understand it but oh well, get over it! Things will be cool in the end. One of my favorite NERD songs is "Laugh About It" because it really makes me think, if something sucks right now, find humor in it and laugh about it. Laughter is definitely a mini vacation, and its also good for the soul so why not laugh about things. (Don't be a jerk though, you can't laugh about everything, do it behind closed doors at least lol)

I'm officially starting the "Stay Positive" movement back up and I'm going to get back on track with it. I'm gonna keep a smile on my face and be a negativity blocker "hi-ya!!" I'm gonna karate chop the negativity. I don't need it!! And I'm going to give depression/sadness/anger a round house kick to the face. Now if only I had some awesomely awesome American flag hammer pants to accompany me in my hardcore round housing. ::SIGH:: lol

I don't know about you but when I'm taking the first steps to feeling better about something I like a big hug so come on .. bring it in give me a hug!! Lets all hug each other and toast marshmallows and shit!! It's a movement!! :)

Don't worry, be happy!

(No seriously, ITS ALL THE RAGE!!)

Signed,

SO dope. *

MJ Memorial

2009-07-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you!! But I was DEFINITELY!! Tore up the entire time!! I was at work with a ball of tissue in my lap completely MOVED!! It's so AMAZING how ONE man can impact billions of people the way that he did. I mean I knew that he had a big impact on the world but this memorial was definitely Fit for A King!! It definitely did him justice. Not only did it honor him as an entertainer, but we got to see Michael as a brother, cousin, friend, and most importantly, a father. That was the first time that his children were really public, and the first time that we got to hear one of them speak!! But when Paris went up there I about fell out on that floor!!

So many artists, celebrities, and icons came forward to pay their respects, Usher sang Gone Too Soon ::sigh:: that song gets me every time, as he walked up to the golden coffin, he affectionately touched it, and couldn't even keep his composure!! Seeing him break down was enough for me, Jermaine sang Smile Michael's favorite song through tears. How he did that? I have no idea! But out of all of the performances my favorite was the instrumental version of Human Nature performed by John Mayer! That was awesome!! Idk, I guess this memorial tore everyone up lol but it was definitely a beautiful ceremony!! I could go on for hours but I won't bore you, because I know you've been hearing about it all day!! :)

RIP&L Michael Joseph Jackson!! Our Captain Planet :) I like that one better than Superman ..

Scattergories

2009-07-03T03:15:00.000-07:00

*I had to get this off of my chest before I went to bed. I'm too tired to fix anything so bear with me lol I'll fix it when I wake up lol!!

This is kind of difficult to post because I really don't know how I'm going to pull all of these thoughts that are floating around into ONE concept that can actually make sense. I'm about to just let my mind take its course and let my fingers go to work. Like Drake said, "Don't ask for forgiveness ask for permission.." WELP!! Permission really doesn't matter cause I have to get this off of my chest one way or the other ..

My mind is all over the place, and it seems like once I get closer to my sanity something comes and tightens this straight jacket up and I'm back to sitting in the corner of a room, rocking back and forth humming my own ballad about nothing in particular, just a few notes here in there. . . But that's it. Empty notes, no key signature, no accidentals, NOTHING, just notes. Whatever comes to mind. The humming often stops, and my mind starts to wander and I can't help but think about all of the things that are going on in my life, once I've completely worked myself into an inconsolable and blubbering drama queen I start to think that maybe I should just calm down. But then it dawns on me. I know what my biggest problem is right now. At this very second.

Have you ever felt like love was this being, a spirit, a ghost, SOMETHING, and it just follows you around? Well love is looking me in the face every single day and I'm sick of it. How do you let go of something that won't let go of you? How can I forget about something and remove it from my life if its co existing with my love? Every single day, love walks down the corridor, it stands outside, I can hear love from time to time, sounding ever so smooth and soft shaking the walls while it reverberates into every corner of my world, it strokes that spot in my heart and it causes my stomach to knot up. It gets hard for me to swallow and then I have to surrender to it, I have to be its victim if only for a second of me closing my eyes and letting it fill me up. If only for a bittersweet memory, or a short and sweet statement, I take it, and I enjoy it. Every last bit of it.

So what do I do when I don't want this to happen? I snap out of it. I try to act like it doesn't bother me, so I paint on this smile with all of these technicolors .. distractions. Eventually all of that doesn't matter anymore, I'm over capacity and I'm ready to explode from holding all of this in. Now what? Tears turn on like waterworks, wiping all of those colors away, and now I'm back to the basics, its just me and my love. You're fighting a losing battle. Love is a battlefield.

This is the kind of love that you go window shopping for, you won't get it, but you'll go and look at it, long for it. Need it. Might touch it, try it on, look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about it. This looks good on me. You say to yourself. But its pricey. To keep this love and have it for yourself would mean paying a price, but are you willing to pay it? Most likely not. So you hang it back up and leave it there, and hope that it's there when you come to get it. Whenever that is.

This is the kind of love that stares me in the face and dares me to blink, or even look away. It looks deep into my soul and twists it around, intertwines itself in it .. briefly. But once I turn my head and give it the cold shoulder it escapes my body and leaves an empty space. All of the unexplained feelings is the space calling out to me telling me that something needs to be there. Until then I guess I'll have to steal those few moments in the mirror and hold it close to my heart close my eyes and try not to cry.

No one said that loving is easy, but its incredibly hard when I'm loving love, but getting no love in return.

SO dope. *

FINALLY!!

2009-07-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

So it's finally here!! The "Best I Ever Had" video premiered at midnight!! Not only was it Drake's premiere it was also Kanye's premier as a director. I give it two thumbs up!! It was a cute idea, Drake said that his goal was to "make the ladies smile" and he definitely succeeded!! Enjoy!!

Venting

2009-06-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've came to the conclusion that 2009 just isn't the year for me. Things seem to continue to steadily go downhill as the days go by and it's driving me nuts. Have you ever just wanted to pack a small bag and set off to another place?? You don't care where you're going as long as there's happiness and love there to surround you? Yea that's how I've been feeling. John Legend's "Take Me Away" has been my theme song for the past few weeks and it's really starting to make me think that the best thing for me to do is just get away from Indianapolis and be on a new scene for a while.

A few weeks ago my mother told me that my grandfather has lung cancer. Wow. Here we go again, another hard and trying several months of going to the hospital and visiting, praying, sitting in waiting rooms with heads hung and eyes glossy out of fear of what the doctor might say, and sleepless nights because you're scared of what the morning might bring. I had just started being okay after my grandmother's death in 2006 and now we're right back in the same situation again. Having a sick family member is the worst thing to deal with ever, it's such a long and drawn out process and as the weeks pass you slowly start to worry more and more. Father's day we spent the day with him and he told us that he wasn't bothered by the fact that he had lung cancer at all, and that he's ready to see what's on the other side, he's lived his life. That's all true and everything but he's the only male figure that I've had in my life. Losing my grandfather would be like losing my father, and I can't handle that! Just knowing that he's sick and he's hurting has formed this gloomy cloud over my head and its hovering over me everyday and it won't stop pouring pain and sadness over me. I think that cloud is hovering over everyone..

I've never been around this much anger, sadness, and just complete negativity in my entire life and it's really beginning to take its toll. My best friend is in another city and she's barely here leaving me to be alone in this house with my mother, my sisters cat, and my dog. The cat is completely destroying the house, she throws up all over the place ugh!! My dog is fine, of course, but I mean gosh my mother is always so sad or upset about something. She's not the type of person to stay positive or keep the faith, she gives up right there. Now don't get me wrong my mother is strong, she puts up with a lot but that doesn't mean that she knows how to handle it. Not to mention this economy sucks ass, and we're starting to feel the pain, and I can't take it!! I've always longed for the Saturday afternoon's out with my mother, shopping and drinking coffee and laughing. Being happy. But that's all a fairy tale, my mom refuses to leave the house. I wish she would :-/

My other thing is, I miss Brandon. I honestly do love him and it's driving me NUTS being so far away from him. Before we left to go home for the summer we were always together and it's hard to transition from being around someone everyday all day and sleeping with them every night to not seeing them at all. And I'm starting to lose it. I miss him soooo much it's crazy. When I lay in the bed at night before I go to sleep, I always think of what its going to be like when I get off of that plane in LA in a few weeks. I cannot wait!! That is definitely what the doctor has ordered for me. For once I feel like I've found the person for me, he can make me smile in ways that no other person has and he makes me laugh harder than anyone else. He brings out the joy in my soul, and that's why I love him. He's always been straight up with me and he's always showed his sincerity and how much he cares and that goes along way with me. Especially after being in so many other messed up relationships in the past. He's the first significant other that I thank God for each and everyday because for me to be blessed with someone like him is nothing but a blessing and I'm so grateful. Out of all of the bad things that have taken place I can truly say that he's one of, if not the best thing, that has happened to me this year.

In the midst of all of this drama, I hate to say it, but I honestly think that I'm starting to lose myself in this horrible mass of anguish and it's going to be hard to get myself back. I can't really explain it but it feels like something inside of me drifts away every few days, and I'm not feeling like myself anymore. Happiness is only temporary in my life right now, it isn't what my life consists of. I need love, and not just intimate love I need genuine love from someone that cares about me. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that they're there for me while they hold me tightly in their arms while I cry. I need that. Intimacy can be found anywhere but love is hard to find. I need someone to listen to me and hear my story and just let me cry and honestly care about what I'm talking about. It really hurts, because I can't remember the last time I heard someone tell me that they loved me, and mean it. It doesn't even feel right to smile. My body is bound with chains of sorrow and my tears are starting to rise over my head, I'm slowly going under and I can feel it. It's amazing how when you need people the most, they aren't there for you. It feels like I'm locked up in a dark room with a million people crying at the same time, and I'm just banging on the door, and banging, screaming let me out!! And no one is there to open the door for me .. So now I'm feeling like I should take my seat and cry with them.

Now what?

SO dope.*

MJ Memorial Service

2009-06-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

The public viewing for MJ has been set for Friday at the Neverland Ranch. A private service for his family and close friends is set for Sunday.

Idk about you but I'm kind of upset, I mean what about the rest of the fans in the United States? Times are hard I mean hell Michael basically lost the Neverland Ranch he was struggling too!! How are they gonna announce the public service for Friday and its TUESDAY!! Only a small percentage of his fans live in California .. ::sigh:: that's it I'm finalizing it I'm moving to California cause they get EVERYTHING!!

But I guess it's not all bad, the Mayor of Gary, Indiana, has been in contact with the Jackson family in hopes that MJ can be transported there for his hometown to pay their last respects to the King of Pop. Apparently they've also discussed his body being buried there around the Jackson museum, I mean it's the least they could do no offense to Gary but MJ is pretty much the best thing that has happened to that city. PLUS that would be AWESOME cause I'd most definitely gas up my truck with NO remorse and drive to see MJ before its too late. Gotta round up a posse though. :-/ either way, I hope they give us, his fellow Hoosier's an opportunity to pay our respects and bid our farewells to him. So I guess it's still hope for some of us .. ::crosses fingers::

SO dope. *

Not AGAIN!! ::sigh::

2009-06-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

Idk if it's true or not but apparently 80's singer Rick Astley was found dead in his hotel room in Berlin .. if its true then my sympathy goes out to him and his family, and if it isn't than I guess we've been RIP roll'd .. lis ..

Anywho!! Either way I guess this video will be in memory of .. or it'll just be another case of being "Rick Roll'd" .. man that's happened to me on YouTube countless times lol .. Whatever the case may be, I wish the Astley's the best .. Enjoy!!!

This is even more hilarious, stumbled across't it !!

OH EM GEE!! Who Knew??!

2009-06-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

Ok me being the music dork/band geek that I am, the musician inside of me really appreciates good music and ppl that make it. Let me explain, while trying to ease the sting of boredom I was surfing through video's on YouTube in hopes for a good laugh, and stumbled across this video of Jeremih doing a "Raw Session" of his hit song "Birthday Sex" .. I was immediately intrigued cause I MUST admit, that song is definitely a banger but this made me appreciate Jeremih more as an artist. Honestly I think I like this version better :) Hell I can't wait until my birthday now lol !! But anyway .. Enjoy!!

And "Ribbon In The Sky" too? Not the best attempt but it was still pretty nice ..

OMG!! Get Over It!! PLZ!!

2009-06-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

Say what you want about me I don't care but this is my honest opinion.

So apparently Jay Z told BET that him, nor Beyonce would perform at the BET Awards last night if they allowed Chris Brown to perform his part of the tribute to Michael Jackson. Seriously? Ok so Chris hit Rihanna, people make mistakes but it was over the top for Jay Z to forbid them to let Chris pay his respects to Michael. Regardless of what has happened he is one of the more talented male r&b artists right now. And to make things even worse, he's been raising so much hell about the whole CB and Ri Ri thing and he's put his hands on a female seen in this YouTube clip at 2:55 .. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IE93cSgiSm0) !! Really Jay? Really?

Honestly I think Jay is starting to show how much of an egotistical jerk he is, Beyonce said it right, he has a big ego and the shit is through the fuckin' roof and it's making him look bad. Just what did he get at trying to call out Lil Wayne and Drake during his DOA performance? You're the "best rapper alive" but you feel the need to try and slander someone else? PLEASE!! .. ::breaths deeply:: Sorry I got sidetracked .. the point is .. ::

I think everyone needs to get over the whole thing with Chris Brown. It's really pissin' me off how everyone isn't looking at both sides of the story Rihanna had BEEN hitting Chris, and going ape shit on him over small shit. Not to mention she's always in the spotlight for messing with a different guy every week. I'm sorry it's human nature for a person to get fed up and just eventually snap and just react out of anger and reflex. Lets be honest here people, if someone had been slapping the hell out of you for a long time and cussing you out the thought, "I swear if they do it ONE more time I'm gonna snap" has ran through your mind.

Don't get me wrong I DO NOT condone a man hitting a woman, but at the same time I don't condone a woman hitting a man either. Making decisions like that puts you in a position to get the same treatment in return. That being said ...

I think it was unfair for all of the blame to be put on Chris Brown, but it's a shame that it's ok for a woman to beat on a man but once he's had enough and finally snaps it's the end of the world. I know that if I was to EVER slip up and slap a guy I'm going to brace myself for the worst. Please, lets be rational people!!

Another thing I don't think the beating would've been that bad if hadn't taken place in close quarters the way it did. They were in a Lambourghini for goodness sakes, she couldn't move away or anything. I think that if it had taken place in a room or something the worst that would've happened would've been him snatching her up or something and it wouldn't have been that bad. But once again, we have to look at the fact that it happened. Things can't be taken back, but people have to learn how to forgive and forget, people make mistakes!!! I just wish people would GET OVER IT!! UGH!!

SO dope. *

My Superman!

2009-06-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know I'm late but honestly I've been trying to find the words to even write this blog .. I have so many thoughts and emotions backed up in my mind that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to sort them out and stick to just one emotion. But I HAVE to finish this blog .. yes there are atleast 5 that I've started but haven't been able to finish .. But this one is important so ....

It's almost like my dreams have been turned into nightmares! NEVER did the thought cross my mind that I'd see the day of MJ's death. I don't know, call me crazy, but it's always seemed like he was a super hero with super powers and he would never die. Honestly who ever thought of MJ dying? I know I didn't, maybe thats why its came as such a shock. Growing up listening to his music and watching Moonwalker countless times might have a lot to do with that.. My first cassette tape was a mix that my sisters had made for me, and that's ALL I would listen to. I remember being too scared to watch the "Thriller" video and doing the dance to "Remember the Time" wow!! So many memories are popping up in my mind. I remember when my mom gave me her "Thriller" record and bought me a record player so I could listen to it, and I would, every single day .. This is crazy!! The ENTIRE world has been touched by his work, and by his charitable acts and because of that the planet mourns the loss of our Superman .. Those who didn't grow up listening to MJ or around his movies and videos don't really understand, music does things that nothing else can, it comes in through the ears and travels through our veins and goes to the heart and the rhythm takes over .. reaching our soul. Music is magic, and Michael has made SO MUCH great music that its almost like we knew him on a personal level. He put so much love and emotions into his music that we can still feel it. He has played such a huge part in so many ppl's childhoods that its almost like losing a piece of something inside of you. Eventhough our hero is gone his soul lives on through his music, and I can feel it everytime I listen to it.. As long as eyes are open, ears are listening, feet are dancing, and souls are shining through Michael Jackson will live on.

But I MUST admit some of his songs I can't listen to all the way through without getting sad like, "Gone Too Soon" && "You Are Not Alone" .. other than that all of his other solo songs are ok for me to listen to .. but its something about little J5 Michael that yanks at my heart smh ..

R.I.P MJ .. You will forever be remembered and missed ..

SO dope. *

Mini Update

2009-06-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

It's safe to say that I've somewhat been neglecting my blog .. && I'm sorry but for some reason I haven't been able to come up with anything to write about .. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things going on in my life right now worth blogging about, it's just that I can't find the words to express my feelings about the situations in my life .. Here are a few ..

My best friend since middle school, Tonnica, packed up and moved to Texas to be with her husband, and she took my Godson Eli with her. ::sigh:: I guess I can't be too upset because she's going to start a new chapter in her life and live happily ever after wither her family, but all of this talk about marriage, kids, moving away, moving in, and starting new chapters has really opened my mind to a lot of new thoughts && emotions. Before I move on to the next subject, I wish them the best of the luck and I love all of them, The Wooden's.

Ok so a few months ago I got involved with and individual who we'll call Mr. for now .. the phrase, We weren't meant to be we just happened is basically what sums us up. Towards the end of a relationship he started coming around more and before I knew it, I was with him everyday and couldn't have it any other way. What's so different about him is that he's actually grown (cause we all know that guys mature slower than girls) and he knows what he wants, and he likes me genuinely inside and out. We got off to a weird start though, I will say that, but I think that what adds the originality and the spontaneity to our relationship. I knew that he was different when he came and sat in the bathroom with me while I took a shower and talked to me, from the heart, straight up no gimicks and he told me that he had feelings for me and that we shared a bond that he hasn't shared with another girl before. He also told me that he wanted to be with me, and when he's with someone he takes it seriously and he's just with them no if, ands, or buts about it. That took me for a twirl because I had never had someone just come and tell me how they felt about me like that. Especially when I was feeling the same feelings for them. He has always been right on time with his emotions and that's what I love about him. Yes love but this isn't an ordinary love. This is the kind of love that fills me up with so much abundance and comes gushing out of my heart, this is the kind of love that can keep me up for days thinking about him, missing him, and longing for his touch. The catch to this whole situation is, I'm in Indianapolis and he's in California. So far away. But yet my feelings have continued to grow stronger for him. I talk to him EVERY SINGLE DAY, no exceptions. And I can't have it any other way. I'm going to visit him next month and I can't wait!

During all of this I have came to realize that I think that he might be the one for me. We have connected in so many different ways in such a small amount of time it's crazy! Even my mom loves him, and that's always a plus.

He is the guy that I can see myself growing old with, and starting a new life with. I know he's the one because when it comes to my ex, or any of the other guys that I used to be head over heel's crazy for.. Don't Matter. And that's HUGE!

.. Eh that's enough for now .. maybe more later ..

SO dope. *

Storms .. (I Wonder)

2009-05-15T14:03:00.001-07:00

Sitting in my truck as the clock slowly ticks towards the 5th hour in the am, the truck rocks slightly, not from making love or any of those other encounters that take place in situations such as these .. But it's from the violent winds that shake the leaves of the trees just as life shakes all of the aspects of my soul. The lightening flashes like paparazzi snaps pictures and the thunder crashes like the climax in a percussion piece .. I sit and listen to my iPod .. Alone!? No. .. A shadow in my past accompanies me .. but will they stay in the past? I wonder ..

Driving through the streets of Indianapolis, driving down the lanes of different neighborhoods but at the same time driving down memory lane .. Locations of first kisses, first proms, first dates ;; places that bring up statements that begin with "hey remember when...?" of course I remember. But are these memories TOO fresh in my mind!? Almost like pressing the rewind button on a beautiful time in my life but are these just innocent memories?? Or are they events that will lead to many more? I wonder ...

Is young love, love at all? Is it true love? Yes, it's real .. Young love is innocent love, love that comes as unexpected as the crashes of thunder that make the ground shake.. Shake up the world .. OUR world. Is this the end of the world? Is there really an end to a world that seems to keep spinning on an axis of love .. Emotional roller coasters that have us strapped in and with more turns and dips we take together .. what do we do? We don't raise up our hands, we grab our hearts as they drop and hold our breath as the restraints become tighter, holding us on this road longer than we expect .. But does the roller coaster ever stop?? Does the world ever stop spinning? I wonder ...

What about all of the late nights on the phone .. No words spoken just breaths being taken .. as silent as a quiet storm but just as subtle as raindrops on the window? Pit .. Pat ... just as our hearts beat together .. Same tempo playing their own cadence as the band marches to our beat .. And they keep marching on, for yards and yards, new songs, new dynamics, new dances .. Dances under the sheets, in basements quietly ... Shhh!! Your parents are upstairs they can't hear us .. But can they?? I wonder ...

Tears shed, running down my face as they run down the windshield, no wipers .. Let them run and drip into a pool at the bottom where they collect more and more raindrops .. Save them for later .. later when there is no rain and the days are hot and dry, the green life is turning brown slowing dying .. Like our relationship?? Our journey?? I wonder ...

Does anything ever REALLY end?? Like the stolen gazes into your soul when we make eye contact do they stop right there at the pupil ? .. If only for a second .. look into my soul, do you see a reflection of yourself in me? I wonder ...

The rain continues to fall and puddles form .. You skip through them, or walk through them accidentally and look down only to see yourself .. but only yourself? No .. You see them inside of you too and your heart aches and involuntary tears fall and drip into the puddle sending a ripple across the water .. It reaches the end but does it ever really stop? I wonder ...

Waterfalls rush down to hit the rocks at the bottom .. rock bottom .. haven't we all been to this place? Yes. Grab the paddle and throw them the other .. begin to stroke the violent waves, getting frustrated almost giving up but you don't .. Ahead on the horizon is the calm and cool waters, and the sun sets as you paddle to paradise .. reaching streams together .. together .. forever? .. I wonder ..

You have to go through the storm to get to the sunshine ..

SO dope. *

Falling OUT of Love?

2009-04-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ok I have to write a little something..

In my last post, I asked the question; "Is there such a thing as falling out of love?" and after the day that I've had, I think its time for me to answer this question. NO, there's no such thing, I mentioned in the last post that when we love someone, we tend to love with our hearts, and the heart beats as long as we are breathing, and that means that love goes on for the rest of our lives (this makes me think of an old country song by George Jones, "He Stopped Loving Her Today" which basically is about a man that stopped loving a woman after he died, lol random I know but it made me think about it). I'm not saying that every person that we've ever been in love with we still love like we did when we were with them (heavens no, Earth would be in turmoil lol), that's definitely not true but there will always be a little something that we will hold on to forever about every person that we've had love for.

Every person that we allow into our lives, is sent there for a specific purpose, some people are meant to stay longer than others, some are meant to be there only briefly maybe to change something that needed to be changed or leave an impact on us. Either way every person that crosses our paths has a reason for being there, meaning that there is some kind of importance to basically every person. Some things aren't clear now, some things we might not understand because it wasn't meant for us to but there's a purpose behind everything.

The situation that was brought to my attention today was certainly something that I've never experienced, but I knew it was bound to happen. Loving someone that isn't sure about what/who they want in the end is definitely stressful, but I guess this is one of those situations that was sent my way as a lesson to learn and grow from. Times like this I wish that love had a light switch, turn it off when we don't need it and turn it on when we don't. Sadly enough, there is no such thing, so what do you do when your heart is broken? *Sigh* take it day by day, pray about it and try your hardest not to think about it. Although we can't fall out of love with someone, we can definitely water it down and take some of the power out of it gradually as we go through the process of "getting over someone" which is most definitely something that we can do.

I could elaborate more on this entire subject but I just had to get something off of my mind .. We'll see how things pan out later.

SO dope. *

Breaking the Bad Habit..

2009-04-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

A habit is informally defined as an addictive practice or a regular tendency.

Hmm... interesting, every person on the face of this earth has a habit of doing something, whether it be biting their nails, smoking cigarettes, or stepping out on their left foot every time, everyone has a habit of their own. But generally, they can always be broken, right? Some are harder to break than others yes, but if you put your mind to it and really commit to breaking it, can't you get rid of it?

That being said, I was thinking the definition of habit seems to go hand in hand with the effects that experience when we're in love with someone... When you're in a relationship with someone that you care about a lot, and you feel yourself falling for them, it's almost like an infatuation in the beginning, almost like an obsession; an addiction. Then, as you go through the days you get accustomed to being with this person and doing things not only for yourself for them, like, ordering 2 scoops of ice cream instead of 1 because you'll probably end up sharing it. Or before we fall asleep we call them, regularly. After being a part from them we start to "miss" them and we NEED to be around them.. becoming a fiend for their affection or their love. Then there are the things that trigger these cravings, pictures, scents, love songs, whatever it may be, causing us to immediately search for them, find them and be with them... Feeding our addiction. So if being in love is like a habit shouldn't we be able to break it?

Why can't we have anti-loving gum or a patch or something? When quitting a habit, we're basically training ourself not to do it anymore, so why not be able to train our hearts to stop beating for someone else? It seems almost impossible, the heart beat is involuntary, just like how falling in love is usually something that happens without our consent which brings me to another question. Is there such a thing as falling out of love?

I'll address this questions on the next post. ;)

SO dope. *

The Crazy Things We Do for Love

2009-04-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

I've had this blog for like 3 days and I still haven't figured out how I want to start of this first post. So many things are running through my head that I don't even know how to put it into words and arrange these words into sentences that actually make sense. So I guess I'll take it step by step... What's on my mind now?

A lot went on last week, it was horrible at the time, but now that I look back, it actually makes me feel better about a lot of things. People showed their true colors, and I learned a lot of life lessons that will help me in the future.

I started the week in a relationship and ended it single. It seemed okay for a while but now that I sit and think I'm starting to miss this person. "Slim" is who I've called them from the beginning because I guess you can say that we had a forbidden love. So bittersweet it was, it felt good in all the right places but it felt just as wrong. Knowing that they were still in love with the person before really hurt me, but I still milked it for what it was worth and enjoyed my time with this person although I knew that they're heart didn't belong to me completely. Never have I had so many good feelings surge through my body, only from being around someone, or fall in love so fast, thinking of them constantly and dreaming of them nightly. Yearning for their touch at the most random times, smelling their cologne in the breeze and instantly getting taken to a state of ecstasy longing for their lips to touch yours, wanting to feel their breath on your lips as they part their lips to welcome yours. Bittersweet. Wondering if when they sit and stare into space and sink into a deep state of thought, are they thinking of you? Or are they thinking of her? I never wanted to know the answer to that question, playing the tough guy role like I didn't care but in all actuality I did, so much in fact that I'd get sick to my stomach from thinking about it. Then there's the doubt, always wondering, "do they REALLY love me?" fingering the heart shaped charm that is engraved, "Love Always..." Things remembered? Remember how good it felt to know that you loved me, but how bad it felt to realize that the saying, "I love you too," had a different meaning. Think about it. Katy Perry's, "Thinking of You" plays in the back of my head as tears well in my eyes, I'm breaking inside. The only thing that is worse than breaking up with someone that you love is knowing that the one you love, loves someone else and THAT is what is breaking the bond between you two. No use in fighting it, or trying to force it to work, what's the use of having a relationship that isn't mutual? Or better yet, what's the use of being in a relationship where you're loving the idea of being loved, but dying to be loved at the same time, pleading with the other persons heart, "please beat for me, atleaast once." No go. Closing your eyes and making a wish that maybe after I open my eyes things will be fine. Doing things that we wouldn't do normally, making sacrifices, dissing friends, the crazy things we do for love, only to figure out that love doesn't love us back. The worst love is the love that won't go away, any time something related to the person that we love is brought to our attention, your heart begins to ache, as if it was saying, "where are they?" No one knows. **These are the situations you have to learn to let go**

Love makes you do crazy things...

Crying at the drop of a dime just at the thought that while you're lying in your bed, alone, they're most likely lying with someone else... Then your mind goes down an information highway thinking of what the other person is doing at this exact second, the mystery starts to eat away at you so you pick up your phone and text them, "what are you doing?" no response. "I miss you" no response. Now you're sick with the blues, getting worked up because nothing is said back when in all actuality they're just in the shower and haven't seen your texts yet. Man I hate that feeling. Let it go.

Foot note: If you're fresh out of a relationship, don't communicate with this person for another month at least, breaking up on Thursday and then texting on Saturday isn't going to help the situation, if its meant to be it'll be. One of the oldest sayings in the book is, "if you love someone let them go, and if they come back that's how you know that they really do love you and that its meant to be." Ok. Good saying but don't stress yourself out hoping that they come back, as a matter of fact don't expect to come back, cause if they do it'll feel so much better because it's unexpected. Don't lose any sleep over it. Let me take my own advice.

The crazy things we do for love...

Yea like being up at 3 in the morning blogging about how I feel. Ugh. I'll just leave it at this and return later on with something else.... hmmm.

SO dope. *

The Kaleidoscope

Losing My Balance . . .

Clippin' Wings . . .

Searching for The Thrill of It . . .

Everybody Can't Go...

I'm Stumped!!

&& I'm Better =)

I'm Through With It . . .

&& I'm Over It ..

No 808's But...

She's Aliiiiiiive!!!

Stop Snoopin' !!

Happy Monday!!!

It's My Birthday && I'll Vlog If I Want To!!

Yea I Said It. GET MAD!

Family Matters

SO Dope Recognizing Dope-ness

Run For Cover .. I Think She's Gonna Blow!!

Don't Say You Will .. Unless You Will (Theoretically)

The Honesty Box Bandit Strikes AGAIN!!

I Pok(her) Face

You Can't Tell Me NOTHIN!!

It's an Epidemic!! *Open Happiness*

New Chapter ((BACK TO SCHOOL))

I Need A Vacation!!

Being Positive . . . It's A Movement!!

MJ Memorial

Scattergories

FINALLY!!

Venting

MJ Memorial Service

Not AGAIN!! ::sigh::

OH EM GEE!! Who Knew??!

OMG!! Get Over It!! PLZ!!

My Superman!

Mini Update

Storms .. (I Wonder)

Falling OUT of Love?

Breaking the Bad Habit..

The Crazy Things We Do for Love

It's an Epidemic!! Open Happiness