Being the youngest of three with a 10 year difference automatically made me the spoiled brat of the bunch. My mother has been a great mother to me and I've never had to want for anything, even now! I can't complain about that, but I can complain because of how it has crippled me. Freshmen year of college was my first time being away from my mother and all of her cushioning, and it was hard, many nights I cried and wanted to just give up on everything because I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and unhappy that I was on anti-depressants for the first 2 years. College is a taste of the adult life, but you're still under supervision and there are a lot of things that are handed to you. This past school year, I moved off campus and got an apartment and I started trying to branch off from my mother as much as I could. I've done relatively well but she's still a huge factor in my life and I'm extremely grateful for that.
As you know I've been buzzing about moving to Atlanta, in hopes of building a new life for myself. I haven't moved yet, but I've spent a good month or so there and I must say that the *new life* that Atlanta had in store for me wasn't all glitz and glamour like I had planned. I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason and live life with no regrets. And believe me it has helped me tremendously throughout this time. The time spent in Atlanta has truly been the darkest and lowest part of my life but at the same time it was the brightest because it shined a light on a lot of things about life, people, and myself that I hadn't seen before.
Being a psychology major I learn a lot about people, and why they do the things that they do. Little do some people know, the way that you were raised, and the things that take place in your life are the reasons many decisions are made. Luckily I knew this. I've mentioned in one of my last posts that I had wrote a paper in my Personality Theory class that really opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself. With that in mind I thought I had everything figured out, so I hopped on my bike and went full speed into the fast life in Atlanta, I hit a few bumps here and there but I still kept riding, until finally I hit a HUGE pot hole and wiped out royally! And I was left lying there once again thinking of the things that I may have done wrong. I lost my balance.
A lot of times people don't acknowledge the things that they do, they're so ashamed of them that they try to pretend that they didn't or aren't happening and get comfortable in their mistakes. Me on the other hand, couldn't deal with it. Quite frankly I was disgusted with myself for it. Why do all of these things? There is no point .. Pain can be pacified in so many ways and that isn't one of them. Never should I have to disrespect myself to make myself "feel better" because in the end I'm only hurting myself.
I had fallen so hard and far into darkness that I was unconsciously doing things to hurt myself. Its almost like I was living my life out of body, and that I was watching myself go through this faze from the outside. When making the decisions I was making, my body was there but my mind was elsewhere, wondering what was going on. It was like going under the knife in surgery and the anesthesia was wearing off, I couldn't feel everything but I was conscious and could see all of the bright lights and the doctor operating on me, I couldn't move my lips or anything I just had to sit there and watch what was going on..
Now that I've waken up, and realized the things that have gone on, I've had to ask those around me to be patient, I'm in recovery, repair, under construction. Things get better in time. Those that care totally understood and are there to support me, others left, good riddance.
When I first started facing reality, I was ashamed, guilty, and regretful. But once I prayed about it and started remembering the things that I learned from the Bible there should never be a point where I feel those things. I had to remember that everything that has taken place is a lesson experience is lifes greatest teacher I can't say that enough and I had to realize that everything that I do, I am being allowed to do. So it has to be for a reason. I don't regret anything because this was the fall that I needed to break the ground so that I could lay the foundation for a new me. I'm only 20, I have a long way to go before I actually have grown into a woman, but this is what I needed, to actually started building myself up. There are so many acts in life, God being the director, me losing my balance was the ending of an act that consisted of me making mistakes, learning lessons and going through a faze that wasn't fitting for my life. Now that that act is over I can start fresh, the stage has been cleared, the set is different and there are new characters some old but a lot have been cut.
:: Relief ::
For quite some time I've had this feeling inside of me that was weighing me down and I didn't really know what it was. Looking at it now, it wasn't weight at all, it was Him inside of me telling me that I needed to snap out of this trance I was in and come back to reality. He has been tugging at my heart for quite some time now, and I've been ignoring it because I've been so far gone inside of myself and my pain that I didn't really want to listen to it. (Backwards I know) . I'm definitely blessed because I can hear Him when He's trying to speak to me, He's been trying to get through to me for months now and I've finally hushed all of the noise that has been preventing me from hearing what He had to say. I couldn't listen any harder now.
:: People ::
I've never been able to understand how people can be so cruel to one another. I'm such a nice person that I can sometimes be naive, I'm all for positivity and love and it troubles me when I see others that don't have love inside of them. I have came face to face with a lot of dark people, I've been hurt in the process but pain is only temporary. *Shrugs* no use in dwelling on it. You can't control what other people do and how they are, and that is perfectly fine, I'm not going to waste time trying to control it. Once again I've been trying to fit people that I know don't fit, in my life. If something doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Period, point, blank. Everybody Can't Go. And that is so true, I've been surrounding myself around people that aren't on the same page as me, and I've been allowing them to be in my life for too long.
Something I had to learn is, when it comes to the people that you choose to call your friend, there should never be a point in time that you have to explain yourself to them or try and convince them that they should still be your friend. When things happen, you say your part and they should understand. And when it comes to making friends you should never have to make excuses for any of the people that are in your life, especially if you can control if they're there or not. You should be able to just go throughout the day and know that they're your friend, it should never be a feeling I wonder what is going to happen today. Type thing. NO ONE that you're allowing in your life should EVER take away your joy. Ever. I used to allow it but never again.
My mom always told me that there are certain things that a "friend" shouldn't do, and once its been done it can't be taken back. For years I let that go in one ear and out of the other, but I will never forget that now. She also told me that my friendship is just as valuable as anyone else's, and if they don't see that, let it go.
You have to love and respect yourself in order for anyone else to.
*Sigh* my prince charming will come soon I know it =) haha .. *Random Thought*
:: Scattegories .. ::
I changed up my look a tad .. Definitely starting to grow into myself. Which is awesome. // Although I've lost my balance I'm definitely standing back firmly on both feet. They've sank a little in the mud but I'm slowly pulling them out. Just have faith in me and make sure you keep me in your prayers. Keep my name on your lips, when you pray remember this, that I need you to cover me. (That's from 'Cover Me' by 21:03 feat Fred Hammond and Smokie Norful) .. thats one of my favorite gospel songs .. You should listen to it. =) // Still single. && waiting, eff looking, I have horrible luck at picking out good guys. Can't deny that being single right now is somewhat my fault, but not the ENTIRE time lol .. I don't know, things will fall into place in due time.
I'm not asking for pity either, pity parties are for pansy's lol ..
Signed,
SO dope. *
****
I ont love em .. I ont chase, em I duck em ..
Wiz's new video for Mezmorized ^_^
****
Ain't nothin changed, still rep the Gang . . .
