Venting

I've came to the conclusion that 2009 just isn't the year for me. Things seem to continue to steadily go downhill as the days go by and it's driving me nuts. Have you ever just wanted to pack a small bag and set off to another place?? You don't care where you're going as long as there's happiness and love there to surround you? Yea that's how I've been feeling. John Legend's "Take Me Away" has been my theme song for the past few weeks and it's really starting to make me think that the best thing for me to do is just get away from Indianapolis and be on a new scene for a while.

A few weeks ago my mother told me that my grandfather has lung cancer. Wow. Here we go again, another hard and trying several months of going to the hospital and visiting, praying, sitting in waiting rooms with heads hung and eyes glossy out of fear of what the doctor might say, and sleepless nights because you're scared of what the morning might bring. I had just started being okay after my grandmother's death in 2006 and now we're right back in the same situation again. Having a sick family member is the worst thing to deal with ever, it's such a long and drawn out process and as the weeks pass you slowly start to worry more and more. Father's day we spent the day with him and he told us that he wasn't bothered by the fact that he had lung cancer at all, and that he's ready to see what's on the other side, he's lived his life. That's all true and everything but he's the only male figure that I've had in my life. Losing my grandfather would be like losing my father, and I can't handle that! Just knowing that he's sick and he's hurting has formed this gloomy cloud over my head and its hovering over me everyday and it won't stop pouring pain and sadness over me. I think that cloud is hovering over everyone..

I've never been around this much anger, sadness, and just complete negativity in my entire life and it's really beginning to take its toll. My best friend is in another city and she's barely here leaving me to be alone in this house with my mother, my sisters cat, and my dog. The cat is completely destroying the house, she throws up all over the place ugh!! My dog is fine, of course, but I mean gosh my mother is always so sad or upset about something. She's not the type of person to stay positive or keep the faith, she gives up right there. Now don't get me wrong my mother is strong, she puts up with a lot but that doesn't mean that she knows how to handle it. Not to mention this economy sucks ass, and we're starting to feel the pain, and I can't take it!! I've always longed for the Saturday afternoon's out with my mother, shopping and drinking coffee and laughing. Being happy. But that's all a fairy tale, my mom refuses to leave the house. I wish she would :-/

My other thing is, I miss Brandon. I honestly do love him and it's driving me NUTS being so far away from him. Before we left to go home for the summer we were always together and it's hard to transition from being around someone everyday all day and sleeping with them every night to not seeing them at all. And I'm starting to lose it. I miss him soooo much it's crazy. When I lay in the bed at night before I go to sleep, I always think of what its going to be like when I get off of that plane in LA in a few weeks. I cannot wait!! That is definitely what the doctor has ordered for me. For once I feel like I've found the person for me, he can make me smile in ways that no other person has and he makes me laugh harder than anyone else. He brings out the joy in my soul, and that's why I love him. He's always been straight up with me and he's always showed his sincerity and how much he cares and that goes along way with me. Especially after being in so many other messed up relationships in the past. He's the first significant other that I thank God for each and everyday because for me to be blessed with someone like him is nothing but a blessing and I'm so grateful. Out of all of the bad things that have taken place I can truly say that he's one of, if not the best thing, that has happened to me this year.

In the midst of all of this drama, I hate to say it, but I honestly think that I'm starting to lose myself in this horrible mass of anguish and it's going to be hard to get myself back. I can't really explain it but it feels like something inside of me drifts away every few days, and I'm not feeling like myself anymore. Happiness is only temporary in my life right now, it isn't what my life consists of. I need love, and not just intimate love I need genuine love from someone that cares about me. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that they're there for me while they hold me tightly in their arms while I cry. I need that. Intimacy can be found anywhere but love is hard to find. I need someone to listen to me and hear my story and just let me cry and honestly care about what I'm talking about. It really hurts, because I can't remember the last time I heard someone tell me that they loved me, and mean it. It doesn't even feel right to smile. My body is bound with chains of sorrow and my tears are starting to rise over my head, I'm slowly going under and I can feel it. It's amazing how when you need people the most, they aren't there for you. It feels like I'm locked up in a dark room with a million people crying at the same time, and I'm just banging on the door, and banging, screaming let me out!! And no one is there to open the door for me .. So now I'm feeling like I should take my seat and cry with them.

Now what?

SO dope.*

MJ Memorial Service

The public viewing for MJ has been set for Friday at the Neverland Ranch. A private service for his family and close friends is set for Sunday.

Idk about you but I'm kind of upset, I mean what about the rest of the fans in the United States? Times are hard I mean hell Michael basically lost the Neverland Ranch he was struggling too!! How are they gonna announce the public service for Friday and its TUESDAY!! Only a small percentage of his fans live in California .. ::sigh:: that's it I'm finalizing it I'm moving to California cause they get EVERYTHING!!

But I guess it's not all bad, the Mayor of Gary, Indiana, has been in contact with the Jackson family in hopes that MJ can be transported there for his hometown to pay their last respects to the King of Pop. Apparently they've also discussed his body being buried there around the Jackson museum, I mean it's the least they could do no offense to Gary but MJ is pretty much the best thing that has happened to that city. PLUS that would be AWESOME cause I'd most definitely gas up my truck with NO remorse and drive to see MJ before its too late. Gotta round up a posse though. :-/ either way, I hope they give us, his fellow Hoosier's an opportunity to pay our respects and bid our farewells to him. So I guess it's still hope for some of us .. ::crosses fingers::

SO dope. *

Not AGAIN!! ::sigh::

Idk if it's true or not but apparently 80's singer Rick Astley was found dead in his hotel room in Berlin .. if its true then my sympathy goes out to him and his family, and if it isn't than I guess we've been RIP roll'd .. lis ..

Anywho!! Either way I guess this video will be in memory of .. or it'll just be another case of being "Rick Roll'd" .. man that's happened to me on YouTube countless times lol .. Whatever the case may be, I wish the Astley's the best .. Enjoy!!!

This is even more hilarious, stumbled across't it !!

OH EM GEE!! Who Knew??!

Ok me being the music dork/band geek that I am, the musician inside of me really appreciates good music and ppl that make it. Let me explain, while trying to ease the sting of boredom I was surfing through video's on YouTube in hopes for a good laugh, and stumbled across this video of Jeremih doing a "Raw Session" of his hit song "Birthday Sex" .. I was immediately intrigued cause I MUST admit, that song is definitely a banger but this made me appreciate Jeremih more as an artist. Honestly I think I like this version better :) Hell I can't wait until my birthday now lol !! But anyway .. Enjoy!!

And "Ribbon In The Sky" too? Not the best attempt but it was still pretty nice ..

OMG!! Get Over It!! PLZ!!

Say what you want about me I don't care but this is my honest opinion.

So apparently Jay Z told BET that him, nor Beyonce would perform at the BET Awards last night if they allowed Chris Brown to perform his part of the tribute to Michael Jackson. Seriously? Ok so Chris hit Rihanna, people make mistakes but it was over the top for Jay Z to forbid them to let Chris pay his respects to Michael. Regardless of what has happened he is one of the more talented male r&b artists right now. And to make things even worse, he's been raising so much hell about the whole CB and Ri Ri thing and he's put his hands on a female seen in this YouTube clip at 2:55 .. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IE93cSgiSm0) !! Really Jay? Really?

Honestly I think Jay is starting to show how much of an egotistical jerk he is, Beyonce said it right, he has a big ego and the shit is through the fuckin' roof and it's making him look bad. Just what did he get at trying to call out Lil Wayne and Drake during his DOA performance? You're the "best rapper alive" but you feel the need to try and slander someone else? PLEASE!! .. ::breaths deeply:: Sorry I got sidetracked .. the point is .. ::

I think everyone needs to get over the whole thing with Chris Brown. It's really pissin' me off how everyone isn't looking at both sides of the story Rihanna had BEEN hitting Chris, and going ape shit on him over small shit. Not to mention she's always in the spotlight for messing with a different guy every week. I'm sorry it's human nature for a person to get fed up and just eventually snap and just react out of anger and reflex. Lets be honest here people, if someone had been slapping the hell out of you for a long time and cussing you out the thought, "I swear if they do it ONE more time I'm gonna snap" has ran through your mind.

Don't get me wrong I DO NOT condone a man hitting a woman, but at the same time I don't condone a woman hitting a man either. Making decisions like that puts you in a position to get the same treatment in return. That being said ...

I think it was unfair for all of the blame to be put on Chris Brown, but it's a shame that it's ok for a woman to beat on a man but once he's had enough and finally snaps it's the end of the world. I know that if I was to EVER slip up and slap a guy I'm going to brace myself for the worst. Please, lets be rational people!!

Another thing I don't think the beating would've been that bad if hadn't taken place in close quarters the way it did. They were in a Lambourghini for goodness sakes, she couldn't move away or anything. I think that if it had taken place in a room or something the worst that would've happened would've been him snatching her up or something and it wouldn't have been that bad. But once again, we have to look at the fact that it happened. Things can't be taken back, but people have to learn how to forgive and forget, people make mistakes!!! I just wish people would GET OVER IT!! UGH!!

SO dope. *

My Superman!

Ok so I know I'm late but honestly I've been trying to find the words to even write this blog .. I have so many thoughts and emotions backed up in my mind that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to sort them out and stick to just one emotion. But I HAVE to finish this blog .. yes there are atleast 5 that I've started but haven't been able to finish .. But this one is important so ....

It's almost like my dreams have been turned into nightmares! NEVER did the thought cross my mind that I'd see the day of MJ's death. I don't know, call me crazy, but it's always seemed like he was a super hero with super powers and he would never die. Honestly who ever thought of MJ dying? I know I didn't, maybe thats why its came as such a shock. Growing up listening to his music and watching Moonwalker countless times might have a lot to do with that.. My first cassette tape was a mix that my sisters had made for me, and that's ALL I would listen to. I remember being too scared to watch the "Thriller" video and doing the dance to "Remember the Time" wow!! So many memories are popping up in my mind. I remember when my mom gave me her "Thriller" record and bought me a record player so I could listen to it, and I would, every single day .. This is crazy!! The ENTIRE world has been touched by his work, and by his charitable acts and because of that the planet mourns the loss of our Superman .. Those who didn't grow up listening to MJ or around his movies and videos don't really understand, music does things that nothing else can, it comes in through the ears and travels through our veins and goes to the heart and the rhythm takes over .. reaching our soul. Music is magic, and Michael has made SO MUCH great music that its almost like we knew him on a personal level. He put so much love and emotions into his music that we can still feel it. He has played such a huge part in so many ppl's childhoods that its almost like losing a piece of something inside of you. Eventhough our hero is gone his soul lives on through his music, and I can feel it everytime I listen to it.. As long as eyes are open, ears are listening, feet are dancing, and souls are shining through Michael Jackson will live on.

But I MUST admit some of his songs I can't listen to all the way through without getting sad like, "Gone Too Soon" && "You Are Not Alone" .. other than that all of his other solo songs are ok for me to listen to .. but its something about little J5 Michael that yanks at my heart smh ..

R.I.P MJ .. You will forever be remembered and missed ..

SO dope. *

Mini Update

It's safe to say that I've somewhat been neglecting my blog .. && I'm sorry but for some reason I haven't been able to come up with anything to write about .. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things going on in my life right now worth blogging about, it's just that I can't find the words to express my feelings about the situations in my life .. Here are a few ..

My best friend since middle school, Tonnica, packed up and moved to Texas to be with her husband, and she took my Godson Eli with her. ::sigh:: I guess I can't be too upset because she's going to start a new chapter in her life and live happily ever after wither her family, but all of this talk about marriage, kids, moving away, moving in, and starting new chapters has really opened my mind to a lot of new thoughts && emotions. Before I move on to the next subject, I wish them the best of the luck and I love all of them, The Wooden's.

Ok so a few months ago I got involved with and individual who we'll call Mr. for now .. the phrase, We weren't meant to be we just happened is basically what sums us up. Towards the end of a relationship he started coming around more and before I knew it, I was with him everyday and couldn't have it any other way. What's so different about him is that he's actually grown (cause we all know that guys mature slower than girls) and he knows what he wants, and he likes me genuinely inside and out. We got off to a weird start though, I will say that, but I think that what adds the originality and the spontaneity to our relationship. I knew that he was different when he came and sat in the bathroom with me while I took a shower and talked to me, from the heart, straight up no gimicks and he told me that he had feelings for me and that we shared a bond that he hasn't shared with another girl before. He also told me that he wanted to be with me, and when he's with someone he takes it seriously and he's just with them no if, ands, or buts about it. That took me for a twirl because I had never had someone just come and tell me how they felt about me like that. Especially when I was feeling the same feelings for them. He has always been right on time with his emotions and that's what I love about him. Yes love but this isn't an ordinary love. This is the kind of love that fills me up with so much abundance and comes gushing out of my heart, this is the kind of love that can keep me up for days thinking about him, missing him, and longing for his touch. The catch to this whole situation is, I'm in Indianapolis and he's in California. So far away. But yet my feelings have continued to grow stronger for him. I talk to him EVERY SINGLE DAY, no exceptions. And I can't have it any other way. I'm going to visit him next month and I can't wait!

During all of this I have came to realize that I think that he might be the one for me. We have connected in so many different ways in such a small amount of time it's crazy! Even my mom loves him, and that's always a plus.

He is the guy that I can see myself growing old with, and starting a new life with. I know he's the one because when it comes to my ex, or any of the other guys that I used to be head over heel's crazy for.. Don't Matter. And that's HUGE!

.. Eh that's enough for now .. maybe more later ..

SO dope. *