Venting

I've came to the conclusion that 2009 just isn't the year for me. Things seem to continue to steadily go downhill as the days go by and it's driving me nuts. Have you ever just wanted to pack a small bag and set off to another place?? You don't care where you're going as long as there's happiness and love there to surround you? Yea that's how I've been feeling. John Legend's "Take Me Away" has been my theme song for the past few weeks and it's really starting to make me think that the best thing for me to do is just get away from Indianapolis and be on a new scene for a while.

A few weeks ago my mother told me that my grandfather has lung cancer. Wow. Here we go again, another hard and trying several months of going to the hospital and visiting, praying, sitting in waiting rooms with heads hung and eyes glossy out of fear of what the doctor might say, and sleepless nights because you're scared of what the morning might bring. I had just started being okay after my grandmother's death in 2006 and now we're right back in the same situation again. Having a sick family member is the worst thing to deal with ever, it's such a long and drawn out process and as the weeks pass you slowly start to worry more and more. Father's day we spent the day with him and he told us that he wasn't bothered by the fact that he had lung cancer at all, and that he's ready to see what's on the other side, he's lived his life. That's all true and everything but he's the only male figure that I've had in my life. Losing my grandfather would be like losing my father, and I can't handle that! Just knowing that he's sick and he's hurting has formed this gloomy cloud over my head and its hovering over me everyday and it won't stop pouring pain and sadness over me. I think that cloud is hovering over everyone..

I've never been around this much anger, sadness, and just complete negativity in my entire life and it's really beginning to take its toll. My best friend is in another city and she's barely here leaving me to be alone in this house with my mother, my sisters cat, and my dog. The cat is completely destroying the house, she throws up all over the place ugh!! My dog is fine, of course, but I mean gosh my mother is always so sad or upset about something. She's not the type of person to stay positive or keep the faith, she gives up right there. Now don't get me wrong my mother is strong, she puts up with a lot but that doesn't mean that she knows how to handle it. Not to mention this economy sucks ass, and we're starting to feel the pain, and I can't take it!! I've always longed for the Saturday afternoon's out with my mother, shopping and drinking coffee and laughing. Being happy. But that's all a fairy tale, my mom refuses to leave the house. I wish she would :-/

My other thing is, I miss Brandon. I honestly do love him and it's driving me NUTS being so far away from him. Before we left to go home for the summer we were always together and it's hard to transition from being around someone everyday all day and sleeping with them every night to not seeing them at all. And I'm starting to lose it. I miss him soooo much it's crazy. When I lay in the bed at night before I go to sleep, I always think of what its going to be like when I get off of that plane in LA in a few weeks. I cannot wait!! That is definitely what the doctor has ordered for me. For once I feel like I've found the person for me, he can make me smile in ways that no other person has and he makes me laugh harder than anyone else. He brings out the joy in my soul, and that's why I love him. He's always been straight up with me and he's always showed his sincerity and how much he cares and that goes along way with me. Especially after being in so many other messed up relationships in the past. He's the first significant other that I thank God for each and everyday because for me to be blessed with someone like him is nothing but a blessing and I'm so grateful. Out of all of the bad things that have taken place I can truly say that he's one of, if not the best thing, that has happened to me this year.

In the midst of all of this drama, I hate to say it, but I honestly think that I'm starting to lose myself in this horrible mass of anguish and it's going to be hard to get myself back. I can't really explain it but it feels like something inside of me drifts away every few days, and I'm not feeling like myself anymore. Happiness is only temporary in my life right now, it isn't what my life consists of. I need love, and not just intimate love I need genuine love from someone that cares about me. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that they're there for me while they hold me tightly in their arms while I cry. I need that. Intimacy can be found anywhere but love is hard to find. I need someone to listen to me and hear my story and just let me cry and honestly care about what I'm talking about. It really hurts, because I can't remember the last time I heard someone tell me that they loved me, and mean it. It doesn't even feel right to smile. My body is bound with chains of sorrow and my tears are starting to rise over my head, I'm slowly going under and I can feel it. It's amazing how when you need people the most, they aren't there for you. It feels like I'm locked up in a dark room with a million people crying at the same time, and I'm just banging on the door, and banging, screaming let me out!! And no one is there to open the door for me .. So now I'm feeling like I should take my seat and cry with them.

Now what?

SO dope.*