I'm Through With It . . .

The weekend is over. The Gateway Classic was fun as always. Nothing big happened worth talking about but this weekend has really brought a lot of stuff to my attention. Randomly, while driving home I got this rush of emotions, it was almost overwhelming, they weren't bad emotions, all of these thoughts popped up in my head and I realized that the best thing for me to do is to completely liberate myself from love. Some people might say that it's a bit drastic for me to do such thing, but I feel really good about it. 


Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful and it's a great thing to have but after a while it has a tendency to become unhealthy love and it starts to weigh you down like chains or something. Right now I have several layers of chains that I need to break away from, I'm motivated and ready to take the first steps. I'm not saying that it'll be easy, of course not, but I'm not trying to go through anymore days feeling the way that I've been feeling!! This post is so random but I HAD to share it with SOMEONE!! I had to get it off of my chest. I've been walking around with all of this pain in my heart and sorrow in my eyes and I'm through with that. There are plenty of people out there that are more than willing to love me, but right now I think I need to work on loving myself. Not in the conceded way lol but I need to start realizing my worth. I've gotten so accustomed to always having someone because of my fear of being alone that I might've lost sight of my worth.. My mother has always told me that I am worth all of the stars in the sky and the moon combined and I think that I've forgotten that! There's an old saying that says, you have to learn to love yourself before you love someone else, and I'm starting RIGHT NOW. 


Another thing is, since I've always been so avid at having someone in my life I haven't been able to bounce back from past situations so I keep trying to build something new on a broken foundation and that never works. I'm not settling either, if I have any questions about someone it's not worth it, the next person that I allow in my life has to be special and they have to know my worth as well. ::sigh:: I'm so ready for school on Monday because I am going to walk around K State's campus with my head held high and with a glow on my face that is going to shine so bright that people would have to look twice. And if I see him I'm just going to smile and keep moving, kill 'em with kindness . . . 


I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, and clean up my house, study, and spend some time with Lindsay. I can't wait! =) 


SO dope. * 

&& I'm Over It ..

At this point I'm feelin' like, this is my blog .. so I should be able to say whatever the hell I want to right? Right! But for some reason I've been holding some shit back. One of the disadvantages of being a blogger especially about your're own feelings and opinions is that someone is gonna get offended, someone is gonna get upset or have something to say. Well at this point I DON'T CARE there is shit that I need to get off of my chest. People can get mad if they want to, but please take into consideration that I'm human and that my emotions are just the same as anyone elses, it's just a different situation. Everyone has went through this. ::sigh:: 


[*If You Don't Stand for Something ..*] 
I'm not going to name drop, because that's just gonna start all kinds of drama that I don't want lol .. but some of you that read MIGHT know who I'm speaking of. Ok here's the story... 


Him and I met the second semester of my Freshmen year at Kentucky State. When we first met, he was the new guy at school, and he was different than everyone else, he always caught my eye. It took me like 2 months before I could gather up enough courage to actually say something to him. When I did, it went better than I had hoped and we were hanging out in no time. The first time we hung out, we just laid there and talked for hours he wanted me to spend the night, but I didn't.. But that wasn't the last time we hung out, from that point on, we were basically inseparable! If you saw one of us, 9x's out of 10 the other was close by lol .. We were falling fast into a web of infatuation and puppy love. I don't think I have ever had feelings of that magnitude hit me so hard, and so fast in my entire life. And that scared me, so I tried to back out, although I didn't want to, I was scared!! Anyway, I eventually got over that, and we continued to do our thing. That summer I spent time with him in his city and I got to learn more and more about him, there was nothing better. When Sophomore year came around, things started to feel a little different and that's when things got complicated. Man that seems like such a long time ago but it was only a year! Something different would happen every week almost and we were up and down, one minute we'd be getting along and the next we'll be hating each other. By this time, our relationship basically turned into getting back at the other, cussing each other out, getting back cool again and then starting the process over again. By 2nd semester we had done so many fucked up things to each other that I figured that we might as well just give it up.. But I couldn't because my feelings for him were so strong!! 


In the meantime, while I was in the process of completely getting over him, I met Brandon and that made things so much better .. BUT we still kept in touch, of course we did, regardless of our intimate past, we started out as friends and he's one of the few people at K State that understands me, and that I can just sit there and be myself with. So of course we were going to remain friends. Now I could go down the list of things that took place but it's not up to me to put all of that out there .. just know that there was some crazy shit!! LOL .. 


Over the summer we kept in touch, and he told me that he loved me .. I had always known that he loved me, but I was just waiting for the day that he would actually open up and tell me that he did. By that time Brandon and I were talking pretty tough so I didn't want to mess up something new, especially since him and I had JUST got over a big ass confrontation and a bad school year. Like I said a lot of messed up things took place between the two of us and ya'll know I'm sensitive and it takes me a long time to get over some of that .. I needed to be able to feel safe to let my guard down for him again. For some reason, when I get hurt by someone else it hurts, but when I get hurt by him? It hits me like a freakin bulldozer to the chest and everywhere else .. physically I feel pain, mentally I feel anguish, and spiritually I feel broken. I was really in love with him, but he just couldn't understand that sometimes a woman needs the time to work through the things that we go through. (Maybe its just me) When something happens to me, I need time to work through it because I try to take everything on at once, and balance so much and act like it doesn't bother me for so long that by the time I hit my breaking point it's gotten worse and worse. And that's how it was with him, I would "brush off" the stuff he would do and act like it didn't happen instead of trying to work through it and handle the situation when it happened. Basically when he was ready, I wasn't! And him being the stubborn person that he is, he doesn't understand why I wasn't ready and he doesn't want to believe it either, he just wants to think that its me making up excuses. 


Now . . . 


Ever since Brandon and I have parted ways, he's been acting like a complete asshole and that really makes me feel stupid cause it's like, I let my guard down for you, and I put other things on the back burner for you because I had so much faith in us .. Man was I wrong!! 


I will say that I've been over doing it because regardless of me being back at school with him I have been trying to see what the deal is with Brandon but you can only go a while with ignoring me until I'm like I'm sick of it. I'm not gonna waste my time on someone that doesn't want to invest any time in me. So forget it .. I'm so burnt out on that situation .. Although it's going to hurt to let him go (of course) but there are other people out there that would love to be with me, and would love to spend time with me. And if Brandon doesn't feel that way then I should just keep it movin' then!! 


Anyway, back to him, we've been back at school and we've been around each other and I've really been sitting in my room at night and thinking to myself .. it would be best for me to try and give him a try and see what he's been talking about all of this time. Over the summer he had said so much, and expressed himself in so many ways, but with him you never know what he's really thinking. But now I'm afraid to say that it's too late. Well that's what he says at least but there is something inside of me that honestly believes otherwise. Seriously. But I can't keep going on through the days here hoping that what I'm feeling is right. But I'm also kind of scared that its my love for him that is telling me that there's something there still .. BUT listen, his actions speak louder than what he's saying. He's saying that it's too late, but his actions show me that he loves me, even the small things! So I'm just confused. So right now, I've reached this point, if you love something let it go, and if comes back then you'll know that it's meant to be. We'll see what happens. 


I've talked to my good friend BG and he told me about his whole situation with his last girlfriend. He was truly in love with her and she wasn't good for him, so it took him having to be alone for a long time to really understand himself and what kind of woman that he really needs. So he told me that it might be best for me to be alone, my brother Greg told me that too. So it might be hard, but I think that I'm going to try to be alone for a while. Don't get me wrong though someone is going to be there to occupy my time haha just not on some intimate stuff you know? Sometimes it takes you getting over a fear of something before you can get better and progress on to better things. My fear right now is being alone, and I'm willingly admitting that. ::Shrugs:: Guess I got a lot to do!! 


The "letting go" part is going to be hard but luckily I'm making this decision while I'm busy with school and band .. So I can take all of my energy and put it into the important things. I wish I could just fast foward to like December so I can see what my progress is .. but I can't so I just have to stay positive and keep myself busy. Who knows!! This might mean more blogging lol .. 


Pray for me ya'll!! 


If you don't stand for something then you'll fall for anything .. 


[*Quick Update*] 
I got my own apartment so I'm pretty much grown now lol .. The band is about to be travelling like crazy we're gonna be at the Gateway Classic in St. Louis this weekend, Clark Atlanta University, and then Central State .. I feel like I'm missing one .. Oh well. 


SO dope. * 


***


Haven't posted a video in a while .. This shit is HILARIOUS!! I already think that Gucci Mane && OJ Da Juiceman are hilarious in real life but this shit is even funnier .. When OJ is rappin' PLEASE listen to the adlibs lmao that shit be havin me WEAK!! 





6 in the mornin' and I'm watchin Barney
See that purple skin and it make me kinda horny ..


AYE AYE AYE DAMN DAMN DAMN!! bahahahaha

No 808's But...

Hey everyone .. I know it's been a while but I've been so busy with life, I'm surprised that I even have time to do this right now . But I feel like I owe it to you guys and myself.

I don't want this to be one of those update posts because that's so expected, plus there are other things on my mind right now that I feel like I should get off of my chest. But ya'll know how I am, it's going to be hard for me to sort it all out. So I'm just going to (as usual) just let my fingers move over the keyboard and hope that it all makes sense in the end!! =)

[*After the Hurricane*]

Recently Brandon and I ended things, (::gasp:: I know huh?) yea it was very abrupt, but I promise I had a Jazmine Sullivan moment, I'm talking After the Hurricane cause the vibe that I was getting from him, and the whole start of the conversation was kind of easy for me to brace myself for the worst. Which it came.. As usual a lot of times when things like this happen it's easy to understand but its hard for it to register in your mind. Although it happened like a week ago, still to this day there's that (?) that's hovering over my head. Of course we've discussed the situation again but its still hard for me to grasp. I can't really wrap my mind around it. It's hard to do so when the heart has opened up to someone only to get the door forcefully closed. I swear it seems like my heart has so many bandages, and pieces of duct tape wrapped around it to hold it together I often wonder how it beats sometimes. Here's a little bit about me if you don't know already, I'm a caring person and when I love, I love hard and therefore it makes it hard for me to bounce back from heartbreak. Especially after I've put so much faith into something, and had such high hopes its really a hard pill to swallow once everything comes crashing down around you. I've sat down and had conversations with a very close friend and he brought it to my attention that it was said in the Bible that, thanks to Eve of course, the woman has a desire to be with a man, we yearn to be loved. And man, that's so unfortunate because I think I got it the worst! I promise there is nothing like being in an relationship and having someone to talk to at night, and waking up every day and taking step after step knowing that there is someone out there that loves and/or cares about you. But I mean hey it is what it is. I'm no longer in high school, and I'm no longer the little girl that writes in her diary in different colored gel pens, and doodles little hearts around pictures in yearbooks, I'm a woman now, so I have to start growing up and out of my pain and suffering when it comes to relationships. I've totally screwed myself over because I've always been so quick to hop into one situation after the other and that doesn't give me enough recovery time to be strong enough to deal with the next blow. My hearts immune system is low right now and I think it's the right time for me to give it time to recuperate! I think this is the time for me to be alone.. alone is steroids because it made me stronger ..

As far as my feelings go for Brandon, I love him, and he means the world to me. But I guess this is one of those situations where I have to just sit down and learn how to exhale, just breath. If he comes back he comes back, I can't keep dwelling on it because that isn't good for me. Of course I think of him all of the time, and of course I want to be with him. Sometimes I have moments where everything hits me like a nuclear bomb, and everything around me starts moving in slow motion and my mind starts moving so fast that its overwhelming. I start to cry but I stop. I think of how he says things, the laughs that we've had, and the memories that we've shared, like a film strip they stream through my mind, I start to get sad but I don't because I'd rather preserve him in my heart as a good thing. I know it might sound weird to you guys but I think it's the best thing for me to do. When things ended between us it wasn't a definite end to us, so who know's what the future might hold, I just don't want to leave an awkward layer in our foundation, just in case we decided to continue to build on it in the future. Something is telling me that we will be back to normal soon, but at the same time, something is telling me not to hold my breath, so I'll stay comfortably in the middle by taking baby steps to get over him, but taking larger steps to continue to love him for the good, but never forgetting the bad and keeping us in my prayers.

[*Where is the Love?*]

Of course like clock work as soon as the whole thing with Brandon happened, my ex started doing the ex factor thing. Popping up whenever I was feeling lonely, txt'n me when I wanted someone to talk to and pulling the whole "hero" effect. It was cool for a few days, but I know him like a book and I knew that it was all bullshit of course so I never fed into it for real. Which was a good thing because eventually he started doing his same ol' bullshit that he's so infamous for when he started getting comfortable and we aren't even on speaking terms right now. And I honestly believe that it happened for a reason because he is so bad for me. During our final dispute he said something that stuck with me, he said "love doesn't exist" and it really made me think about things. Do people honestly think that? I'm a strong believer in love, and even though it's mysterious love conquers all, we just need to learn how to establish the difference between love and lust, and puppy love and true love. I don't know. But I hope that isn't how he feels because if it is, then he has a very long and miserable life ahead of him, because love brings happiness that is infinite and it brings pain that is temporal because love is pain in a sense, and it always cancels out anything evil, or bad... Love is a learning device, we learn with love. Either way, love is what makes the world go round, not money, not technology, its love because it's always there, and it's free. ::Shrugs:: that's how I feel about that.

[*Best Night EVER*]

Here's another fun fact about Lindsay, I absolutely LOVE Young Money and last Thursday I was blessed with the opportunity to spend an evening with them at their AMW show in Cincinnati, Ohio. Since I had complications with going to the show in my city (Indianapolis) I figured since it was only like an hour and a half away from my school I decided to just go to that show, and I had the time of my life. Thanks to my boo's (they know who they are) it was like a getaway that I needed! I'm very grateful because one of them had to go through a lot to get my pass and stuff and I have madd love for him because of that. I can't wait until I have an opportunity to see them again!! The concert was the shit of course I always enjoy seeing Wayne in concert, I LOVE him. No seriously, I'd do anything for that man lol. And of course Nicki Minaj was the shit. Ya'll know how I feel about her. She's everything that I imagined she would be in person and more!! ANYWAY I loved Thursday night from top to bottom!! =) And I'm very very pleased that I was given the opportunity to meet all of them, they're all great people for real! I'll have memories from that night FOREVER haha!!

Eventhough I'm SUPER bummed that Drake wasn't there because LAWD KNOWS!! Had he been there my life would be totally different right now. Take that how you please, haha.. Ok sorry moving on.

***

Right now I'm at this point where I feel like I'm in a room with no gravity and I'm just hovering around lightly bumping into the padded walls around me. I'm just going through the motions, you know how there are times in your life where you feel like you have it all figured out and everything is just wonderful? I'm not there. But I'm going to stay positive because I know things will all fall into place again. Hopefully.

Sorry it's been so long, but I'm doing school (decided on Kentucky State .. not surprising I know smh) and marching band so I'm a lot busier now. But I'm going to work on posting more don't worry! I hope everyone is doing great, and staying positive :). I'm very excited about my new followers as well!! Thanks for the love ya'll =) ..

SO dope. *