Hey everyone .. I know it's been a while but I've been so busy with life, I'm surprised that I even have time to do this right now . But I feel like I owe it to you guys and myself. I don't want this to be one of those update posts because that's so expected, plus there are other things on my mind right now that I feel like I should get off of my chest. But ya'll know how I am, it's going to be hard for me to sort it all out. So I'm just going to (as usual) just let my fingers move over the keyboard and hope that it all makes sense in the end!! =)
[*After the Hurricane*]
Recently Brandon and I ended things, (::gasp:: I know huh?) yea it was very abrupt, but I promise I had a Jazmine Sullivan moment, I'm talking After the Hurricane cause the vibe that I was getting from him, and the whole start of the conversation was kind of easy for me to brace myself for the worst. Which it came.. As usual a lot of times when things like this happen it's easy to understand but its hard for it to register in your mind. Although it happened like a week ago, still to this day there's that (?) that's hovering over my head. Of course we've discussed the situation again but its still hard for me to grasp. I can't really wrap my mind around it. It's hard to do so when the heart has opened up to someone only to get the door forcefully closed. I swear it seems like my heart has so many bandages, and pieces of duct tape wrapped around it to hold it together I often wonder how it beats sometimes. Here's a little bit about me if you don't know already, I'm a caring person and when I love, I love hard and therefore it makes it hard for me to bounce back from heartbreak. Especially after I've put so much faith into something, and had such high hopes its really a hard pill to swallow once everything comes crashing down around you. I've sat down and had conversations with a very close friend and he brought it to my attention that it was said in the Bible that, thanks to Eve of course, the woman has a desire to be with a man, we yearn to be loved. And man, that's so unfortunate because I think I got it the worst! I promise there is nothing like being in an relationship and having someone to talk to at night, and waking up every day and taking step after step knowing that there is someone out there that loves and/or cares about you. But I mean hey it is what it is. I'm no longer in high school, and I'm no longer the little girl that writes in her diary in different colored gel pens, and doodles little hearts around pictures in yearbooks, I'm a woman now, so I have to start growing up and out of my pain and suffering when it comes to relationships. I've totally screwed myself over because I've always been so quick to hop into one situation after the other and that doesn't give me enough recovery time to be strong enough to deal with the next blow. My hearts immune system is low right now and I think it's the right time for me to give it time to recuperate! I think this is the time for me to be alone.. alone is steroids because it made me stronger ..
As far as my feelings go for Brandon, I love him, and he means the world to me. But I guess this is one of those situations where I have to just sit down and learn how to exhale, just breath. If he comes back he comes back, I can't keep dwelling on it because that isn't good for me. Of course I think of him all of the time, and of course I want to be with him. Sometimes I have moments where everything hits me like a nuclear bomb, and everything around me starts moving in slow motion and my mind starts moving so fast that its overwhelming. I start to cry but I stop. I think of how he says things, the laughs that we've had, and the memories that we've shared, like a film strip they stream through my mind, I start to get sad but I don't because I'd rather preserve him in my heart as a good thing. I know it might sound weird to you guys but I think it's the best thing for me to do. When things ended between us it wasn't a definite end to us, so who know's what the future might hold, I just don't want to leave an awkward layer in our foundation, just in case we decided to continue to build on it in the future. Something is telling me that we will be back to normal soon, but at the same time, something is telling me not to hold my breath, so I'll stay comfortably in the middle by taking baby steps to get over him, but taking larger steps to continue to love him for the good, but never forgetting the bad and keeping us in my prayers.
[*Where is the Love?*]
Of course like clock work as soon as the whole thing with Brandon happened, my ex started doing the ex factor thing. Popping up whenever I was feeling lonely, txt'n me when I wanted someone to talk to and pulling the whole "hero" effect. It was cool for a few days, but I know him like a book and I knew that it was all bullshit of course so I never fed into it for real. Which was a good thing because eventually he started doing his same ol' bullshit that he's so infamous for when he started getting comfortable and we aren't even on speaking terms right now. And I honestly believe that it happened for a reason because he is so bad for me. During our final dispute he said something that stuck with me, he said "love doesn't exist" and it really made me think about things. Do people honestly think that? I'm a strong believer in love, and even though it's mysterious love conquers all, we just need to learn how to establish the difference between love and lust, and puppy love and true love. I don't know. But I hope that isn't how he feels because if it is, then he has a very long and miserable life ahead of him, because love brings happiness that is infinite and it brings pain that is temporal because love is pain in a sense, and it always cancels out anything evil, or bad... Love is a learning device, we learn with love. Either way, love is what makes the world go round, not money, not technology, its love because it's always there, and it's free. ::Shrugs:: that's how I feel about that.
[*Best Night EVER*]
Here's another fun fact about Lindsay, I absolutely LOVE Young Money and last Thursday I was blessed with the opportunity to spend an evening with them at their AMW show in Cincinnati, Ohio. Since I had complications with going to the show in my city (Indianapolis) I figured since it was only like an hour and a half away from my school I decided to just go to that show, and I had the time of my life. Thanks to my boo's (they know who they are) it was like a getaway that I needed! I'm very grateful because one of them had to go through a lot to get my pass and stuff and I have madd love for him because of that. I can't wait until I have an opportunity to see them again!! The concert was the shit of course I always enjoy seeing Wayne in concert, I LOVE him. No seriously, I'd do anything for that man lol. And of course Nicki Minaj was the shit. Ya'll know how I feel about her. She's everything that I imagined she would be in person and more!! ANYWAY I loved Thursday night from top to bottom!! =) And I'm very very pleased that I was given the opportunity to meet all of them, they're all great people for real! I'll have memories from that night FOREVER haha!!
Eventhough I'm SUPER bummed that Drake wasn't there because LAWD KNOWS!! Had he been there my life would be totally different right now. Take that how you please, haha.. Ok sorry moving on.
***
Right now I'm at this point where I feel like I'm in a room with no gravity and I'm just hovering around lightly bumping into the padded walls around me. I'm just going through the motions, you know how there are times in your life where you feel like you have it all figured out and everything is just wonderful? I'm not there. But I'm going to stay positive because I know things will all fall into place again. Hopefully.
Sorry it's been so long, but I'm doing school (decided on Kentucky State .. not surprising I know smh) and marching band so I'm a lot busier now. But I'm going to work on posting more don't worry! I hope everyone is doing great, and staying positive :). I'm very excited about my new followers as well!! Thanks for the love ya'll =) ..
SO dope. *
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