[*If You Don't Stand for Something ..*]
I'm not going to name drop, because that's just gonna start all kinds of drama that I don't want lol .. but some of you that read MIGHT know who I'm speaking of. Ok here's the story...
Him and I met the second semester of my Freshmen year at Kentucky State. When we first met, he was the new guy at school, and he was different than everyone else, he always caught my eye. It took me like 2 months before I could gather up enough courage to actually say something to him. When I did, it went better than I had hoped and we were hanging out in no time. The first time we hung out, we just laid there and talked for hours he wanted me to spend the night, but I didn't.. But that wasn't the last time we hung out, from that point on, we were basically inseparable! If you saw one of us, 9x's out of 10 the other was close by lol .. We were falling fast into a web of infatuation and puppy love. I don't think I have ever had feelings of that magnitude hit me so hard, and so fast in my entire life. And that scared me, so I tried to back out, although I didn't want to, I was scared!! Anyway, I eventually got over that, and we continued to do our thing. That summer I spent time with him in his city and I got to learn more and more about him, there was nothing better. When Sophomore year came around, things started to feel a little different and that's when things got complicated. Man that seems like such a long time ago but it was only a year! Something different would happen every week almost and we were up and down, one minute we'd be getting along and the next we'll be hating each other. By this time, our relationship basically turned into getting back at the other, cussing each other out, getting back cool again and then starting the process over again. By 2nd semester we had done so many fucked up things to each other that I figured that we might as well just give it up.. But I couldn't because my feelings for him were so strong!!
In the meantime, while I was in the process of completely getting over him, I met Brandon and that made things so much better .. BUT we still kept in touch, of course we did, regardless of our intimate past, we started out as friends and he's one of the few people at K State that understands me, and that I can just sit there and be myself with. So of course we were going to remain friends. Now I could go down the list of things that took place but it's not up to me to put all of that out there .. just know that there was some crazy shit!! LOL ..
Over the summer we kept in touch, and he told me that he loved me .. I had always known that he loved me, but I was just waiting for the day that he would actually open up and tell me that he did. By that time Brandon and I were talking pretty tough so I didn't want to mess up something new, especially since him and I had JUST got over a big ass confrontation and a bad school year. Like I said a lot of messed up things took place between the two of us and ya'll know I'm sensitive and it takes me a long time to get over some of that .. I needed to be able to feel safe to let my guard down for him again. For some reason, when I get hurt by someone else it hurts, but when I get hurt by him? It hits me like a freakin bulldozer to the chest and everywhere else .. physically I feel pain, mentally I feel anguish, and spiritually I feel broken. I was really in love with him, but he just couldn't understand that sometimes a woman needs the time to work through the things that we go through. (Maybe its just me) When something happens to me, I need time to work through it because I try to take everything on at once, and balance so much and act like it doesn't bother me for so long that by the time I hit my breaking point it's gotten worse and worse. And that's how it was with him, I would "brush off" the stuff he would do and act like it didn't happen instead of trying to work through it and handle the situation when it happened. Basically when he was ready, I wasn't! And him being the stubborn person that he is, he doesn't understand why I wasn't ready and he doesn't want to believe it either, he just wants to think that its me making up excuses.
Now . . .
Ever since Brandon and I have parted ways, he's been acting like a complete asshole and that really makes me feel stupid cause it's like, I let my guard down for you, and I put other things on the back burner for you because I had so much faith in us .. Man was I wrong!!
I will say that I've been over doing it because regardless of me being back at school with him I have been trying to see what the deal is with Brandon but you can only go a while with ignoring me until I'm like I'm sick of it. I'm not gonna waste my time on someone that doesn't want to invest any time in me. So forget it .. I'm so burnt out on that situation .. Although it's going to hurt to let him go (of course) but there are other people out there that would love to be with me, and would love to spend time with me. And if Brandon doesn't feel that way then I should just keep it movin' then!!
Anyway, back to him, we've been back at school and we've been around each other and I've really been sitting in my room at night and thinking to myself .. it would be best for me to try and give him a try and see what he's been talking about all of this time. Over the summer he had said so much, and expressed himself in so many ways, but with him you never know what he's really thinking. But now I'm afraid to say that it's too late. Well that's what he says at least but there is something inside of me that honestly believes otherwise. Seriously. But I can't keep going on through the days here hoping that what I'm feeling is right. But I'm also kind of scared that its my love for him that is telling me that there's something there still .. BUT listen, his actions speak louder than what he's saying. He's saying that it's too late, but his actions show me that he loves me, even the small things! So I'm just confused. So right now, I've reached this point, if you love something let it go, and if comes back then you'll know that it's meant to be. We'll see what happens.
I've talked to my good friend BG and he told me about his whole situation with his last girlfriend. He was truly in love with her and she wasn't good for him, so it took him having to be alone for a long time to really understand himself and what kind of woman that he really needs. So he told me that it might be best for me to be alone, my brother Greg told me that too. So it might be hard, but I think that I'm going to try to be alone for a while. Don't get me wrong though someone is going to be there to occupy my time haha just not on some intimate stuff you know? Sometimes it takes you getting over a fear of something before you can get better and progress on to better things. My fear right now is being alone, and I'm willingly admitting that. ::Shrugs:: Guess I got a lot to do!!
The "letting go" part is going to be hard but luckily I'm making this decision while I'm busy with school and band .. So I can take all of my energy and put it into the important things. I wish I could just fast foward to like December so I can see what my progress is .. but I can't so I just have to stay positive and keep myself busy. Who knows!! This might mean more blogging lol ..
Pray for me ya'll!!
If you don't stand for something then you'll fall for anything ..
[*Quick Update*]
I got my own apartment so I'm pretty much grown now lol .. The band is about to be travelling like crazy we're gonna be at the Gateway Classic in St. Louis this weekend, Clark Atlanta University, and then Central State .. I feel like I'm missing one .. Oh well.
SO dope. *
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Haven't posted a video in a while .. This shit is HILARIOUS!! I already think that Gucci Mane && OJ Da Juiceman are hilarious in real life but this shit is even funnier .. When OJ is rappin' PLEASE listen to the adlibs lmao that shit be havin me WEAK!!
6 in the mornin' and I'm watchin Barney
See that purple skin and it make me kinda horny ..
AYE AYE AYE DAMN DAMN DAMN!! bahahahaha
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