Here's a little piece of business about the kid, I'm extremely easy to get along with, if you're my friend I will love you unconditionally and keep nothing but your best interest at heart. When I fall in love, I fall hard and I will put my all into it. Sometimes I just like to sit and listen to my surroundings and soak everything in that's going on around me, I put a lot of thought into practically everything, I'm an intellectual thinker, I'm the person that tries to sort things out in my head before they happen to try and prepare myself for the result of things, make sense?Well with that being said this post is coming from me sitting and observing things, holding in feelings, trying to ignore things like they aren't happening but I'm so filled up with all of these emotions that I feel like I'm about to explode! ::Screams:: We're gonna throw the Stay Positive Movement out of the window for this one cause this isn't going to be positive at all lol I need to get this off of my mind though.
Since I've been out of school I've had a lot of me time because I'm alone all of the time since it's just my mom and I at my house, and during this time I listen to music and I think a lot. Have you ever felt like you've been thinking too much? And you have so many idea's in your head that you can't even squeeze anymore in. Yea that's how I'm feeling right now and I'm over it. Seriously! Haha!!
Love ;; Ok. Throw me a rope! I'm tip toeing on the brink of insanity when it comes to this. I am so drained right now. But I can't really do anything but blame myself because I've thrown myself into a pool of a gazillion emotions and I'm in over my head. It's driving me nuts. I'm such a loving person, I wear my heart on my sleeve (yea don't get any idea's either) and I'm hella sensitive so it's like once I get involved with someone for a long period of time it's like they get a little piece of my heart. And right now at this very second, I'm overwhelmed!! ::throws random object:: I love so hard that it hurts sometimes. Like I invest a lot of my thoughts and my feelings into relationships and I need to quit doing that. My ex is here in Indianapolis and we still talk (we work at the same place) but it sucks big ass BLUE balls because he knows me so well. I can call him and talk to him about something and he'll give me everything that I need even if it isn't necessarily what I want to hear. Honestly the only person that knows me better than him is my best friend Shaniequa. I think it's because we spent so much time together in our relationship of 2 years, we would just sit and talk. It's crazy cause we can go for months without talking and he can call me and talk to me like those 2 months didn't happen. But of course there's a catch, besides the fact that he knows me, he's so wrong for me. He's the jerk that doesn't hold the door, and says stuff to me that you shouldn't say to a woman, like he's a Grade A asshole and I don't need that. I'd like to keep him around but the whole being friends with your ex is weird to me, PLUS Deborah and R.L. said it the best we can't be friends. So scratch that!! Anyway! Brandon on the other end has all of the qualities in a man that I want. And my heart/mind is telling me to stick with him. So lets hope that I'm making the right decision O_O . It's all a matter of being patient, it takes a while to build a relationship, I'm just expecting things to fall in place immediately. Ugh, I have got to stop doing that. LOL I love my B. McQueen so whatever, moving on.
I know that you've heard the stories or seen the movies about the guy that had the girl that was all head over heels for him and what not, and he treated her like shit and so she left him alone and then he wants her back but it doesn't happen. Yea I'm in a situation like that. There was this guy at school that I was head over heels for. I adored him! He came along with the hero effect, I had just gotten out of the relationship with my ex and I was all heartbroken and hurt, and he came along doing and saying all of the right things and so I gravitated towards him. Well once time passed and we were comfortable with each other he did a complete 180, he was horrible. Basically to make a long story short, I eventually got over him and now he's all in love with me. I promise my mom wasn't lying. She always told me that when you ignore a guy they're going to come at you strong! Every time I've done this it has worked. Except in this situation I'm feeling hella bad for him because he really loves me. But then I think like ok, he wasn't taking my feelings into consideration when he was treating me like crap so I guess this is just a case of karma. Damn she's a bitch. But oh my goodness he's so dramatic and I promise that gets under my skin. Don't flood my inbox with drama at 6:00 am. STOP IT. ::Slowly Breathes:: Ok lets keep it moving.
Life ;; I swear I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it seems like if it's not one thing, its another. Something is always going wrong. I'm asking myself, what do you do when you feel like everything is slowly but surely falling apart around you? I made the horrible mistake of going to my grandparents house with my mother and I got presented with a lot of stuff that I had no clue about. I'm sitting here listening to her, my uncle, and grandfather talk like damn when was I scheduled to receive the memo? She's telling me not to worry but I can't help it!! My biggest downfall has been losing sight of the path that has been placed in front of me by God. It's like I'm standing there staring at it while all of this stuff is getting piled on top of me. I promise it feels like I weigh 500lbs. It's gotten to the point where I need to just let myself fall down to my knee's and pray. My favorite saying is Prayer + Faith = Results I'm a firm believer in that.
I have got to remember!!
When you start living your life for yourself and not for Him things will start going haywire. God is the adhesive that holds our lives together and when we start going through life without Him, things fall apart. I have GOT to stop letting myself get consumed in worldly mess. Seriously. I'm not saying that I'm going to be an angel because that's impossible but I need to stop trying to live on my own like I don't need Him when I do. Once you start getting your life together that's when things are going to come at you 10x's harder because they don't want to see you better yourself and live for Him. Man, what have I been thinking?? I'm not going to down myself because everyone falls short that's life, I just need to get back on track. I think my biggest downfall right now is the fact that I'm not really happy with the church that my mom goes to. I love the pastor I've known him for my whole life almost, he baptized me, but I'm not really feeling it. When I first met him he was an associate pastor at the church that we started off going to, and when he left so did we, but now that I'm old enough I think I'm going to start going back to our old church. Even if that means going by myself. I have GOT to get myself together. That is the only solution right now. It's clear! *An awesome song for this is I'm the One by Deitrick Haddon. Check it out!!*
I feel better already.
Lastly ;; I really wish that people would learn how to embrace themselves for who they are. I'm so sick of seeing people trying to make themselves out to be something that they aren't. If you're weird embrace you're weirdness! To me being cool isn't what everyone else is doing, being cool is being yourself. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
No one wants a knock off. LOL so just be you.
When I was growing up I was teased a lot because of how I acted, or because of how I talked, but at this point I'm looking at myself like I love my weirdness and everything else. I love myself. And that is so important that you love yourself, not on no conceited stuff, but love yourself. You can't love someone else until you love yourself. Balee'dat .
SO dope. *
P.S. This song is soo real, most definitely one of my all time favorites. Loved the movie too. Kind of sums up some of my feelings. Listen and you'll see where I'm coming from :)
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