Scattergories

*I had to get this off of my chest before I went to bed. I'm too tired to fix anything so bear with me lol I'll fix it when I wake up lol!!

This is kind of difficult to post because I really don't know how I'm going to pull all of these thoughts that are floating around into ONE concept that can actually make sense. I'm about to just let my mind take its course and let my fingers go to work. Like Drake said, "Don't ask for forgiveness ask for permission.." WELP!! Permission really doesn't matter cause I have to get this off of my chest one way or the other ..

My mind is all over the place, and it seems like once I get closer to my sanity something comes and tightens this straight jacket up and I'm back to sitting in the corner of a room, rocking back and forth humming my own ballad about nothing in particular, just a few notes here in there. . . But that's it. Empty notes, no key signature, no accidentals, NOTHING, just notes. Whatever comes to mind. The humming often stops, and my mind starts to wander and I can't help but think about all of the things that are going on in my life, once I've completely worked myself into an inconsolable and blubbering drama queen I start to think that maybe I should just calm down. But then it dawns on me. I know what my biggest problem is right now. At this very second.

Have you ever felt like love was this being, a spirit, a ghost, SOMETHING, and it just follows you around? Well love is looking me in the face every single day and I'm sick of it. How do you let go of something that won't let go of you? How can I forget about something and remove it from my life if its co existing with my love? Every single day, love walks down the corridor, it stands outside, I can hear love from time to time, sounding ever so smooth and soft shaking the walls while it reverberates into every corner of my world, it strokes that spot in my heart and it causes my stomach to knot up. It gets hard for me to swallow and then I have to surrender to it, I have to be its victim if only for a second of me closing my eyes and letting it fill me up. If only for a bittersweet memory, or a short and sweet statement, I take it, and I enjoy it. Every last bit of it.

So what do I do when I don't want this to happen? I snap out of it. I try to act like it doesn't bother me, so I paint on this smile with all of these technicolors .. distractions. Eventually all of that doesn't matter anymore, I'm over capacity and I'm ready to explode from holding all of this in. Now what? Tears turn on like waterworks, wiping all of those colors away, and now I'm back to the basics, its just me and my love. You're fighting a losing battle. Love is a battlefield.

This is the kind of love that you go window shopping for, you won't get it, but you'll go and look at it, long for it. Need it. Might touch it, try it on, look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about it. This looks good on me. You say to yourself. But its pricey. To keep this love and have it for yourself would mean paying a price, but are you willing to pay it? Most likely not. So you hang it back up and leave it there, and hope that it's there when you come to get it. Whenever that is.

This is the kind of love that stares me in the face and dares me to blink, or even look away. It looks deep into my soul and twists it around, intertwines itself in it .. briefly. But once I turn my head and give it the cold shoulder it escapes my body and leaves an empty space. All of the unexplained feelings is the space calling out to me telling me that something needs to be there. Until then I guess I'll have to steal those few moments in the mirror and hold it close to my heart close my eyes and try not to cry.

No one said that loving is easy, but its incredibly hard when I'm loving love, but getting no love in return.

SO dope. *