Everybody Can't Go...

I know I've been gone for a while, forgive me, but honestly this has been an extremely hectic semester for me. It hasn't been the best but I'm learning to look for the light at the end of the tunnel or the blessing in the storm whatever I'm looking for it!! 


You guys know that Bible study is always my motivation for blogs, I've been going all semester and I've been learning more about myself and God of course throughout this time. And I'm very grateful!! 


[*Growing in Christ*]
I'm pleased to say that my growth in God has grown tremendously and that really is a great thing because I can see the differences. By no means am I perfect but just the simplicity of being able to distinguish between right and wrong is huge because it really stands out more to me now. And unlike any other times I'm actually overwhelmed with a desire to get better and become closer to God. Like lets be honest everyone has that period in their life where its like, "I need to get right with God because I don't want to go hell .." blah blah blah (well not everyone) but those that are God fearing have those fazes, but it's so much more than just not wanting to go hell, that should be a factor yes, but you should just want to be closer to God. If you read the Bible He promises so many great things, and the only thing that we have to do is do right by Him... thats it!! So I've been working on it, and I've been falling short like anyone else would but the things that I've been falling short in, are things that I could control.. Like drinking, partying, cursing, sex, all of those things that can easily be eliminated out of my life. It's to the point where when I participate in any of these things I feel a sense of conviction where I know its wrong and I have no choice but to repent or else it'll drive me nuts. 


BG said in Bible study that being in a relationship with God, is like a marriage.. there are certain things that you can't do, can't say, certain places that you can't go.. just put yourself in situations that you know will jeopardize your relationship with God. He also said that when I'm doing things over and over like continuing to party and stuff thats just like cheating on the person that you're with, over and over, but asking for forgiveness and saying that you love them, that was powerful .. I have to start thinking of my relationship with God like I would with any other relationship, why should He be treated any different? 


Ok so the song that I have playing is basically my motto on life right now, everybody can't go. And I know I've blogged about this before, eliminating people out of my life that aren't going to add to me, they're only going to subtract, so I'm definitely cutting that out!! I will admit that I've been keeping some certain individuals around against my better judgement, and I've been praying about it and finally God has shown me CLEAR AS DAY that I need to eliminate them and I'm definitely going to continue to pray on that. It's like every time I try to fit people in that I KNOW shouldn't be there it always ends in disaster, and its like, what is the point of me constantly doing this to myself? Giving up things of the world will only show Him that I'm making steps towards Him and He will constantly bless me!! Speaking of blessings!! 


[*Blessings...*] 
At the same time He's blessed me with someone who is amazing and who is REALLY helping me.. his name is Loren, and out of all of the times when I've met someone its always been the same but this time its different. I had sat down and had a conversation with BG about relationships and he told me that if I prayed and truly believed in what I was asking for then God would send me the man that He made for me. It may be too early to say but oh well, I honestly believe that he's the one. Everyday he shows me in different ways how he's the one for me and I'm definitely happy. So I'm thankful for that!! I will continue to thank God for that, and continue to pray for our relationship because we are both growing in Christ together and its a beautiful thing!! =) 


[*School Daze...*] 
Dude I'm SO SICK of school its ridiculous. But I've been praying and staying motivated and putting a lot of faith in God because Lord knows I need to lol .. There have been so many times where I've just wanted to give up!! I'm not even gonna front, I've been slippin' on everything lately and letting things suck me in, but I'm going to live my life by this song, lol and word, and start praying. When God calls I'm going to answer, and just pray when I need to. I honestly believe that everything will be ok, what's the point of me worrying when God is the head of my life and I know that He has my back? Nothing is greater than Him, and He won't put anything on me that I can't bear.. no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I have to remember that for sure!!!!!!!! 


I feel better .. =) 


Another thing that I've gotten really good at is, finding blessings in the storm... that's SO powerful and everyone should do it for real. Because it helps put things in a different perspective! 


Take a second and listen to the song it'll probably make you think twice about some things. 


SO dope. *


HILARIOUS!! 

I'm Stumped!!

Please forgive me .. but I'm so confused right now. 


[*Family Ties?*]
Aight so as far as my family goes, I love them, but they have been doing me so shady lately. They've been keeping hella shit from me and at first it hurt my feelings, but they want to get mad at me for the outcome of things but they could've been totally different if they would've let me in on the info in the first place! I know I'm the baby of the family but at the same time I'm 20 f'n years old now!! So why are they making it a point to keep shit from me? Trying to protect me, I'm not 8 anymore.. Let me know what's going on WHEN it's happening, not after the fact .. UGH!! Ok I'm done talking about that .. 


The confusion gets worse .. 


[*I'm Stumped..*] 
Those that have been keeping up with my blog posts, know about the whole situation with Brandon and I. So you guys know how he basically broke up with me and told me that what he told me over the summer was him being caught up in the moment and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. We talked another time and he told me that he doesn't want anything between us to be intimate, he just wanted us to be friends. I talked to him again and he told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he doesn't want to deal with the stress. Ok so I was hurt for the longest, but I slowly started to give up on us getting back together because he was basically telling me that this melancholy mood that he was in was going to endure throughout his time in Kentucky. Ok. 


I kept his best interest at heart and waited on Brandon, I waited for him to finally come around, still do. But at the same time, if what he was saying was really how he felt then I was going to still do me and talk to others.. I mean we aren't together, us getting back together wasn't even in discussion .. so what's the big deal? 


He's mad at me because he asked me questions about what I had been doing this semester, we haven't been together at all this semester so why does it matter? You don't want to be with me, so why are you trippin' on what I'm doing while we aren't together? 


For a second I was feeling all bad, but its not like I cheated on him or anything we weren't together!! So he's all in this mood like, don't talk to me, I don't want to talk to you.. I'm not a mind reader, I've had conversations with him on numerous occasions trying to see where he stood when it came to us being together and us getting together was out of the question. Brandon has always held the key to my heart, and I will always be ready for him but in the meantime..  if I decide to kick it with someone else, I have the right to do that because we aren't together. But he's still trippin.. I don't get it. 


Don't get me wrong I hope that he comes around and that everything between us will be fine in the end, I've been praying for that, but he isn't being rational and fair at all. I can see if he has said something to me about being with me or even expressing his feelings toward me but I've gotten none of that!! 


I'm totally confused... 


That's why I'm convinced that guys are just as or even more dramatic and emotional than girls.. Cause that's just crazy. Him being upset is totally understandable because if you like someone and you hear about them kickin' it with someone else of course you're going to be upset but I mean come on... To hold it against me is taking it to the extreme.  


Whatever happens I hope that he comes around and that I can have my B. McQueen back because that's my love ... 


[*Sloppy Love Jingle..*] 

As you can see over here << there's a picture of Travis McCoy lead singer of Gym Class Heroes. Dude I'm so in love with this man .. I mean LOOK at him, doesn't he look like my type? ::sigh:: he's so dreamy, I'm following him on Twitter and he's so funny and he's just the bomb. I'm also even MORE in love with his heart, he's a part of the Stay Alive movement he went to South Africa and did some charity work and helped out a lot of people over there. He loves helping others and that's so freakin' sexy. Thats what sets him a part from a lot of the other artists out there, they make music and they might donate but that's as far as their humanitarian work goes. He on the other hand, took it into his own hands and went himself.. WOW!! 


Plus look at all of those tattoo's .. Ya know I love those .. 


He's so talented in many ways and that's so sexy to me, he can write, rap, draw, all of that!! 


So I'm calling out to you, my subscribers and readers ALL OF YOU OUT THERE .. ANYONE THAT CAN HEAR ME!! If you could do me the biggest favor of all time .. PLEASE let Travie know that I am in love with him and that I am more than willing to do whatever it is that he wants me to so that I can be his girl lol. We don't even have to be official but if I could be on his arm from time to time and spend time with him (and Stitch his puppy lol) I'd love that. He seems like he's a fun individual and that the two of us would hit it off. I mean besides, him and Katy Perry hit it off, so I figure I have a chance too .. she kissed a girl and liked it .. if that's what he's into I'll go into Young Money mode and be on my Every Girl swag for him lol .. well not every girl but you get the point. 


Please spread the word. Let him know I LOVE HIM!! Not because he's the lead singer of Gym Class Heroes but because he's awesome. Let him know please!! =) 


[*Homecoming*] 
Dude I'm so glad that's over with lol .. now we only have ONE game left and the season is over which means that I'll have free time to hopefully start making money. =) We'll see .. 


SO dope. * 





The 2nd name is the funniest one LMAO!!

&& I'm Better =)

[*Easier Done than Said*]
I've been gone for a while but I'm back ya'll!! Surprisingly things have been easier than I thought. In the beginning I thought that this was going to be one of the hardest things that I've ever done, but it's been very easy actually. I've been praying for motivation and strength to stay true to myself, by not talking to him. I totally cut off all communication with him and haven't talked to him since the day I told him that I didn't want to be his friend and I wanted to end all communication between us. Things have been smooth sailing since then. It really took me having to really sit back and realize that I was allowing myself to sit around and be sad, and what sense does that make? It's so crazy how much someone can grow in a matter of weeks! It hasn't been that long, but I've grown so much.. From time to time we end up being around each other and I will admit it gets hard not to laugh at the silly things that he does but, I hold my ground and manage to stay cool and ignore his presence haha!! 


I've realized that if someone doesn't fit, don't force it, and that's what I've been doing lately (trying to force things) and it's so not worth it. Love makes you do some crazy things, but your love for yourself can make you do things that will help you get out of what your love for someone else has put you in. It's taken so long for me to finally be able to say that I haven't thought about him, now don't get me wrong, sometimes I worry about him and wonder if he's doing alright, but that's been it, it's not like I sit and think about how much I miss him because I don't haha and it feels great to say that. 


[*Kickin' It..*]
Brandon and I hung out twice this weekend, and it felt good to be around him again. Whatever this is, a friendship whatever, I'm happy that we're sharing it together. Even though he doesn't want to have a relationship or anything like that right now, I can appreciate the time that we spend together regardless, because I have love for him and always will. Hopefully one of these days he'll come around ::shrugs:: who knows, but at least we're getting along! I'd rather have something than nothing at all. 


[*On to Other Things...*]
Band season is almost over! This season went by so fast!! OMG!! But I'm not trippin, I'm ready for it to be over with, I haven't had time do anything. Homecoming started today shoot me for normal people this week is supposed to be action packed and one of the best weeks of the year, WRONG!! For the band it means that the alumni are coming back and we're going to be busy learning a new field show, and all kind of madness. The good thing is, my mom will be in town on Friday so I'm happy cause I miss her and it's going to be good to see her, not to mention when she leaves, she's going to take all of this extra stuff home with her haha!! 


Well that's really it. I wish I had more to say but I don't :-x I just decided that I'd give you an update since my last one was written when I was in the middle of one of my emotional breakdowns and I don't want that to be the first thing that someone sees when they come to my blog. I haven't felt like that since that day. WOOO GO ME! lol 


Have you been staying positive? I've definitely been trying, and it helps!! Keep smiling!! 


SO dope. *

I'm Through With It . . .

The weekend is over. The Gateway Classic was fun as always. Nothing big happened worth talking about but this weekend has really brought a lot of stuff to my attention. Randomly, while driving home I got this rush of emotions, it was almost overwhelming, they weren't bad emotions, all of these thoughts popped up in my head and I realized that the best thing for me to do is to completely liberate myself from love. Some people might say that it's a bit drastic for me to do such thing, but I feel really good about it. 


Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful and it's a great thing to have but after a while it has a tendency to become unhealthy love and it starts to weigh you down like chains or something. Right now I have several layers of chains that I need to break away from, I'm motivated and ready to take the first steps. I'm not saying that it'll be easy, of course not, but I'm not trying to go through anymore days feeling the way that I've been feeling!! This post is so random but I HAD to share it with SOMEONE!! I had to get it off of my chest. I've been walking around with all of this pain in my heart and sorrow in my eyes and I'm through with that. There are plenty of people out there that are more than willing to love me, but right now I think I need to work on loving myself. Not in the conceded way lol but I need to start realizing my worth. I've gotten so accustomed to always having someone because of my fear of being alone that I might've lost sight of my worth.. My mother has always told me that I am worth all of the stars in the sky and the moon combined and I think that I've forgotten that! There's an old saying that says, you have to learn to love yourself before you love someone else, and I'm starting RIGHT NOW. 


Another thing is, since I've always been so avid at having someone in my life I haven't been able to bounce back from past situations so I keep trying to build something new on a broken foundation and that never works. I'm not settling either, if I have any questions about someone it's not worth it, the next person that I allow in my life has to be special and they have to know my worth as well. ::sigh:: I'm so ready for school on Monday because I am going to walk around K State's campus with my head held high and with a glow on my face that is going to shine so bright that people would have to look twice. And if I see him I'm just going to smile and keep moving, kill 'em with kindness . . . 


I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, and clean up my house, study, and spend some time with Lindsay. I can't wait! =) 


SO dope. * 

&& I'm Over It ..

At this point I'm feelin' like, this is my blog .. so I should be able to say whatever the hell I want to right? Right! But for some reason I've been holding some shit back. One of the disadvantages of being a blogger especially about your're own feelings and opinions is that someone is gonna get offended, someone is gonna get upset or have something to say. Well at this point I DON'T CARE there is shit that I need to get off of my chest. People can get mad if they want to, but please take into consideration that I'm human and that my emotions are just the same as anyone elses, it's just a different situation. Everyone has went through this. ::sigh:: 


[*If You Don't Stand for Something ..*] 
I'm not going to name drop, because that's just gonna start all kinds of drama that I don't want lol .. but some of you that read MIGHT know who I'm speaking of. Ok here's the story... 


Him and I met the second semester of my Freshmen year at Kentucky State. When we first met, he was the new guy at school, and he was different than everyone else, he always caught my eye. It took me like 2 months before I could gather up enough courage to actually say something to him. When I did, it went better than I had hoped and we were hanging out in no time. The first time we hung out, we just laid there and talked for hours he wanted me to spend the night, but I didn't.. But that wasn't the last time we hung out, from that point on, we were basically inseparable! If you saw one of us, 9x's out of 10 the other was close by lol .. We were falling fast into a web of infatuation and puppy love. I don't think I have ever had feelings of that magnitude hit me so hard, and so fast in my entire life. And that scared me, so I tried to back out, although I didn't want to, I was scared!! Anyway, I eventually got over that, and we continued to do our thing. That summer I spent time with him in his city and I got to learn more and more about him, there was nothing better. When Sophomore year came around, things started to feel a little different and that's when things got complicated. Man that seems like such a long time ago but it was only a year! Something different would happen every week almost and we were up and down, one minute we'd be getting along and the next we'll be hating each other. By this time, our relationship basically turned into getting back at the other, cussing each other out, getting back cool again and then starting the process over again. By 2nd semester we had done so many fucked up things to each other that I figured that we might as well just give it up.. But I couldn't because my feelings for him were so strong!! 


In the meantime, while I was in the process of completely getting over him, I met Brandon and that made things so much better .. BUT we still kept in touch, of course we did, regardless of our intimate past, we started out as friends and he's one of the few people at K State that understands me, and that I can just sit there and be myself with. So of course we were going to remain friends. Now I could go down the list of things that took place but it's not up to me to put all of that out there .. just know that there was some crazy shit!! LOL .. 


Over the summer we kept in touch, and he told me that he loved me .. I had always known that he loved me, but I was just waiting for the day that he would actually open up and tell me that he did. By that time Brandon and I were talking pretty tough so I didn't want to mess up something new, especially since him and I had JUST got over a big ass confrontation and a bad school year. Like I said a lot of messed up things took place between the two of us and ya'll know I'm sensitive and it takes me a long time to get over some of that .. I needed to be able to feel safe to let my guard down for him again. For some reason, when I get hurt by someone else it hurts, but when I get hurt by him? It hits me like a freakin bulldozer to the chest and everywhere else .. physically I feel pain, mentally I feel anguish, and spiritually I feel broken. I was really in love with him, but he just couldn't understand that sometimes a woman needs the time to work through the things that we go through. (Maybe its just me) When something happens to me, I need time to work through it because I try to take everything on at once, and balance so much and act like it doesn't bother me for so long that by the time I hit my breaking point it's gotten worse and worse. And that's how it was with him, I would "brush off" the stuff he would do and act like it didn't happen instead of trying to work through it and handle the situation when it happened. Basically when he was ready, I wasn't! And him being the stubborn person that he is, he doesn't understand why I wasn't ready and he doesn't want to believe it either, he just wants to think that its me making up excuses. 


Now . . . 


Ever since Brandon and I have parted ways, he's been acting like a complete asshole and that really makes me feel stupid cause it's like, I let my guard down for you, and I put other things on the back burner for you because I had so much faith in us .. Man was I wrong!! 


I will say that I've been over doing it because regardless of me being back at school with him I have been trying to see what the deal is with Brandon but you can only go a while with ignoring me until I'm like I'm sick of it. I'm not gonna waste my time on someone that doesn't want to invest any time in me. So forget it .. I'm so burnt out on that situation .. Although it's going to hurt to let him go (of course) but there are other people out there that would love to be with me, and would love to spend time with me. And if Brandon doesn't feel that way then I should just keep it movin' then!! 


Anyway, back to him, we've been back at school and we've been around each other and I've really been sitting in my room at night and thinking to myself .. it would be best for me to try and give him a try and see what he's been talking about all of this time. Over the summer he had said so much, and expressed himself in so many ways, but with him you never know what he's really thinking. But now I'm afraid to say that it's too late. Well that's what he says at least but there is something inside of me that honestly believes otherwise. Seriously. But I can't keep going on through the days here hoping that what I'm feeling is right. But I'm also kind of scared that its my love for him that is telling me that there's something there still .. BUT listen, his actions speak louder than what he's saying. He's saying that it's too late, but his actions show me that he loves me, even the small things! So I'm just confused. So right now, I've reached this point, if you love something let it go, and if comes back then you'll know that it's meant to be. We'll see what happens. 


I've talked to my good friend BG and he told me about his whole situation with his last girlfriend. He was truly in love with her and she wasn't good for him, so it took him having to be alone for a long time to really understand himself and what kind of woman that he really needs. So he told me that it might be best for me to be alone, my brother Greg told me that too. So it might be hard, but I think that I'm going to try to be alone for a while. Don't get me wrong though someone is going to be there to occupy my time haha just not on some intimate stuff you know? Sometimes it takes you getting over a fear of something before you can get better and progress on to better things. My fear right now is being alone, and I'm willingly admitting that. ::Shrugs:: Guess I got a lot to do!! 


The "letting go" part is going to be hard but luckily I'm making this decision while I'm busy with school and band .. So I can take all of my energy and put it into the important things. I wish I could just fast foward to like December so I can see what my progress is .. but I can't so I just have to stay positive and keep myself busy. Who knows!! This might mean more blogging lol .. 


Pray for me ya'll!! 


If you don't stand for something then you'll fall for anything .. 


[*Quick Update*] 
I got my own apartment so I'm pretty much grown now lol .. The band is about to be travelling like crazy we're gonna be at the Gateway Classic in St. Louis this weekend, Clark Atlanta University, and then Central State .. I feel like I'm missing one .. Oh well. 


SO dope. * 


***


Haven't posted a video in a while .. This shit is HILARIOUS!! I already think that Gucci Mane && OJ Da Juiceman are hilarious in real life but this shit is even funnier .. When OJ is rappin' PLEASE listen to the adlibs lmao that shit be havin me WEAK!! 





6 in the mornin' and I'm watchin Barney
See that purple skin and it make me kinda horny ..


AYE AYE AYE DAMN DAMN DAMN!! bahahahaha

No 808's But...

Hey everyone .. I know it's been a while but I've been so busy with life, I'm surprised that I even have time to do this right now . But I feel like I owe it to you guys and myself.

I don't want this to be one of those update posts because that's so expected, plus there are other things on my mind right now that I feel like I should get off of my chest. But ya'll know how I am, it's going to be hard for me to sort it all out. So I'm just going to (as usual) just let my fingers move over the keyboard and hope that it all makes sense in the end!! =)

[*After the Hurricane*]

Recently Brandon and I ended things, (::gasp:: I know huh?) yea it was very abrupt, but I promise I had a Jazmine Sullivan moment, I'm talking After the Hurricane cause the vibe that I was getting from him, and the whole start of the conversation was kind of easy for me to brace myself for the worst. Which it came.. As usual a lot of times when things like this happen it's easy to understand but its hard for it to register in your mind. Although it happened like a week ago, still to this day there's that (?) that's hovering over my head. Of course we've discussed the situation again but its still hard for me to grasp. I can't really wrap my mind around it. It's hard to do so when the heart has opened up to someone only to get the door forcefully closed. I swear it seems like my heart has so many bandages, and pieces of duct tape wrapped around it to hold it together I often wonder how it beats sometimes. Here's a little bit about me if you don't know already, I'm a caring person and when I love, I love hard and therefore it makes it hard for me to bounce back from heartbreak. Especially after I've put so much faith into something, and had such high hopes its really a hard pill to swallow once everything comes crashing down around you. I've sat down and had conversations with a very close friend and he brought it to my attention that it was said in the Bible that, thanks to Eve of course, the woman has a desire to be with a man, we yearn to be loved. And man, that's so unfortunate because I think I got it the worst! I promise there is nothing like being in an relationship and having someone to talk to at night, and waking up every day and taking step after step knowing that there is someone out there that loves and/or cares about you. But I mean hey it is what it is. I'm no longer in high school, and I'm no longer the little girl that writes in her diary in different colored gel pens, and doodles little hearts around pictures in yearbooks, I'm a woman now, so I have to start growing up and out of my pain and suffering when it comes to relationships. I've totally screwed myself over because I've always been so quick to hop into one situation after the other and that doesn't give me enough recovery time to be strong enough to deal with the next blow. My hearts immune system is low right now and I think it's the right time for me to give it time to recuperate! I think this is the time for me to be alone.. alone is steroids because it made me stronger ..

As far as my feelings go for Brandon, I love him, and he means the world to me. But I guess this is one of those situations where I have to just sit down and learn how to exhale, just breath. If he comes back he comes back, I can't keep dwelling on it because that isn't good for me. Of course I think of him all of the time, and of course I want to be with him. Sometimes I have moments where everything hits me like a nuclear bomb, and everything around me starts moving in slow motion and my mind starts moving so fast that its overwhelming. I start to cry but I stop. I think of how he says things, the laughs that we've had, and the memories that we've shared, like a film strip they stream through my mind, I start to get sad but I don't because I'd rather preserve him in my heart as a good thing. I know it might sound weird to you guys but I think it's the best thing for me to do. When things ended between us it wasn't a definite end to us, so who know's what the future might hold, I just don't want to leave an awkward layer in our foundation, just in case we decided to continue to build on it in the future. Something is telling me that we will be back to normal soon, but at the same time, something is telling me not to hold my breath, so I'll stay comfortably in the middle by taking baby steps to get over him, but taking larger steps to continue to love him for the good, but never forgetting the bad and keeping us in my prayers.

[*Where is the Love?*]

Of course like clock work as soon as the whole thing with Brandon happened, my ex started doing the ex factor thing. Popping up whenever I was feeling lonely, txt'n me when I wanted someone to talk to and pulling the whole "hero" effect. It was cool for a few days, but I know him like a book and I knew that it was all bullshit of course so I never fed into it for real. Which was a good thing because eventually he started doing his same ol' bullshit that he's so infamous for when he started getting comfortable and we aren't even on speaking terms right now. And I honestly believe that it happened for a reason because he is so bad for me. During our final dispute he said something that stuck with me, he said "love doesn't exist" and it really made me think about things. Do people honestly think that? I'm a strong believer in love, and even though it's mysterious love conquers all, we just need to learn how to establish the difference between love and lust, and puppy love and true love. I don't know. But I hope that isn't how he feels because if it is, then he has a very long and miserable life ahead of him, because love brings happiness that is infinite and it brings pain that is temporal because love is pain in a sense, and it always cancels out anything evil, or bad... Love is a learning device, we learn with love. Either way, love is what makes the world go round, not money, not technology, its love because it's always there, and it's free. ::Shrugs:: that's how I feel about that.

[*Best Night EVER*]

Here's another fun fact about Lindsay, I absolutely LOVE Young Money and last Thursday I was blessed with the opportunity to spend an evening with them at their AMW show in Cincinnati, Ohio. Since I had complications with going to the show in my city (Indianapolis) I figured since it was only like an hour and a half away from my school I decided to just go to that show, and I had the time of my life. Thanks to my boo's (they know who they are) it was like a getaway that I needed! I'm very grateful because one of them had to go through a lot to get my pass and stuff and I have madd love for him because of that. I can't wait until I have an opportunity to see them again!! The concert was the shit of course I always enjoy seeing Wayne in concert, I LOVE him. No seriously, I'd do anything for that man lol. And of course Nicki Minaj was the shit. Ya'll know how I feel about her. She's everything that I imagined she would be in person and more!! ANYWAY I loved Thursday night from top to bottom!! =) And I'm very very pleased that I was given the opportunity to meet all of them, they're all great people for real! I'll have memories from that night FOREVER haha!!

Eventhough I'm SUPER bummed that Drake wasn't there because LAWD KNOWS!! Had he been there my life would be totally different right now. Take that how you please, haha.. Ok sorry moving on.

***

Right now I'm at this point where I feel like I'm in a room with no gravity and I'm just hovering around lightly bumping into the padded walls around me. I'm just going through the motions, you know how there are times in your life where you feel like you have it all figured out and everything is just wonderful? I'm not there. But I'm going to stay positive because I know things will all fall into place again. Hopefully.

Sorry it's been so long, but I'm doing school (decided on Kentucky State .. not surprising I know smh) and marching band so I'm a lot busier now. But I'm going to work on posting more don't worry! I hope everyone is doing great, and staying positive :). I'm very excited about my new followers as well!! Thanks for the love ya'll =) ..

SO dope. *

She's Aliiiiiiive!!!

Ok go ahead and scold me ::hangs head:: I've definitely been away for a while and I'm SO sorry but I've been out of my element kind of lately. Not in a bad way, but I've been out of town .. Right now I'm in Kentucky visiting my MMT (Band) family. I've been here since last weekend and I've been on some hardcore kick it shit lol so please forgive me for my absence.

The other night on Twitter I asked my followers if there was a topic that they wanted me to cover and two of the suggestions that I liked were getting caught up word to my boo Paris she's a fellow blogger, I'll post the link to her blog at the bottom. And the other one was eBeef, eThugs, ePersona's all as one topic. I like that one too. I'm going to make sure that I do those topics because they sound interesting, I'd like to wrap my mind around them and see what I come up with. I promise ya'll sometimes when I start writing a post they aren't planned, my mind works so mysteriously so I can be thinking about strawberry shortcake (the actual dessert) and arrive at something totally different lol. But we'll see. I figured since I've been away for so long I'd give you guys an update on whats been going on with me instead of going ham on a topic lol.

[*Torn .. Again .. SHOOT ME!!*]

Like I said I've been in Kentucky in this week, it's been a bittersweet visit, of course my friends here are finding the words to say to try and change my mind about transferring, ok *sigh* I'll admit it has been working but I haven't verified anything yet. I'm a mess huh? I know lol. My band director has been playing a huge part in trying to get me to come back, he's offering scholarship money which is definitely a good reason to come back because I'm not getting scholarship money at TSU, and I barely get financial aid because apparently my mom makes "too much money" so they give me chump change. Which isn't really helping because its like 28 stacks to go to TSU .. O_O I know hella expensive huh? But I'm staying here until Monday night so hopefully, Mr. Bailey (band director) will have a contract to sign because he's good for saying he's going to do something and then it doesn't fall through smh that man. But hey who knows. Plus my boo is going to be here on Friday yessssssssssssss I'm so excited. The thing about K State is there is like no housing, so if I come here I'd have to get an apartment which is fine, but me I'm high maintenance and I'm not going to live just anywhere I'm the type of chick to live in a loft, or a condo or something lol .. You won't catch me in no ones raggedy ass apartment with tile floors, so that's just more shit to deal with. I had mentioned that whole thing to Brandon just throwing it on the table of course its something that needs to be discussed in depth but it's always good to throw things out there lol. Anyway, I'm super excited about seeing him, I started the countdown last week :) and I've been dreaming about the moment since then so yea, can't wait!!

[*My Ears Are Itchin' I Hear Ya Talkin.. SMH*]

Other than the normal school bs, I've been coo, nothing big .. I broke my camera today FML :-/ so that means that I have to get another one before the 28th .. (America's Most Wanted Tour) cause I NEED to take pics. If my boo is reading this a new camera would be an awesome birthday gift *cough* I'm just sayin *cough* ;) haha!! The other night some of the band fam was drinking and sitting around on some extra sentimental shit and we had a heart to heart and telling each other what we like and don't like about people. Everyone had the same thing to say, "When I first met you people were saying a lot of bad things about you, but once I got to know you, you're like the coolest person and I don't know why people would say those things cause they aren't true." And that really goes to show that I am truly hated all of the time. I've only been down here for a week and people have already been all up in my business when it comes to Brandon, and someone even made it a point to go up to my ex and tell him that I was in Frankfort (cause I sure didn't tell him) and they said, damn what you been doing to Lindsay, she's gained like 10 pounds, all ass. Oh em gee!! (-_______-) you gotta be kidding me right? SMH I tell you, people here in Frankfort need a hobby because its sickening how many people try to put Lindsay 101 on their schedule!! BACK OFF! lol See if I walked around flickin' everyone off then I'd be a bitch lol but that's honestly how I feel when I'm here. LOL GOTTA PACK UP!

[*Pat on the Back*]

I've also realized that my ex is my ex for a reason, it's super random but during one of my drunken nights last week I sat and thought about him for like 20 minutes and I've came to the conclusion that he's a complete idiot! Seriously, when I think about during the time that we were still on some boo'd up shit but not together, I was basically doing anything in my power to make efforts to make things work between us. But I had to realize that it takes two. He always had something that he was concerned about (9x's out of 10 it was some bullshit that he had made up in his head or something that he's heard) or something he was trippin over .. either way it was always SOMETHING. And his whole family was on my side, his mother, (love her by the way) used to talk to me all of the time about him, and she would tell me not to give up and I wouldn't but I was so glad when I finally reached that point where I was thinking there's only so much that I can do. And I threw the towel in. But since I'm still very close with his family I notice more things that make me proud of myself for making that decision of just leaving him alone. Nothing but a headache. SMH ..

[*I Hate This Part..*]

Things are about to start getting real and I don't know if I'm ready for it. As you all know my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer like last month, and I've been doing a good job of trying to stay positive and not letting it get to me, but then I have to realize that the more time passes the closer we get to the part that I've been dreading ever since my grandmothers death. I'm not gonna dwell on this subject long because I'm not trying to be all tore up, but it was rough enough that my children and husband (whoever that may be) will never meet my grandmother but my grandfather too? That's some heavy shit! Especially since I had always dreamed of my grandfather being the one to give me away at my wedding because he's basically been my father my whole life. *Sigh* just pray for me ya'll.

***

Speaking of prayer, now that I'm here in Kentucky I can go and see my Bible study teacher Brother Gill on Monday. Yesssssss cause Lord knows I need to talk to him. He always knows the right things to say, he's always been the person to give me AMAZING advice and guidance, so now I have to focus on remembering to call him lol. GOOD LUCK!!

Ok well I'm not going to ramble on for too much longer .. Just a little update. I'll do a topic blog next time, within the next few days hopefully. Bear with me, its back to school time lol.

Before I forget, make sure you go check out my boo's blog!! : http://avixensthoughts.blogspot.com =)

SO dope. *

Aight shower me with *Late Passes if you please but when I first found this video I promise to ya'll I cried. SMH I miss him!!! (P.S. this is totally off topic lol but if there are a lot of typo's forgive me it's currently like 7:00 am and I haven't been to sleep lol I'll edit tomorrow!!)

Stop Snoopin' !!

This is soooo off topic but I just want to address this, last night Brandon told me that he was over my blog because he doesn't like some of the things that I put on here .. Well!! I mean it's not that bad =) at the end of the day you're still my boo thang && I'll always scream I love my B. McQueen so loosen up a little love!!

Ok I had to say that because when he told me that I was crackin up inside like OMG! But I most definitely see where he's coming from and I can't blame him but he can't be over it though, that's a bit extreme!!

.......

[*Lemme Set It Up*]

Now back to business!! I must say that I've been blessed with a lot of female friends in my life, some are still here, and some have gone but none the less I've learned something from everyone. It doesn't have to be life changing things but I've learned something!! I'm also blessed to have male friends as well. Ladies it's always good to have a circle of guy friends that have your back because it helps a lot in sooo many situations!! Like I've said a million times, I'm an extremely observant person, so whenever my friends come to me for advice I always observe the situations that they are in and try to get something out of it! Now lately I've been noticing a lot of problems in my friends relationships, and it seems to me that all of them are suffering from the same problem, trust. I'm a firm believer in if there's no trust, there's no relationship. And that's why I have learned to trust before I take the step into being in a relationship with someone.

I'm not saying that every time I've been in a relationship I've trusted the person 100% but I haven't taken my distrust to some of the extreme's that a lot of girls do. Even though girls are more likely to commit these offenses, guys you aren't fully off of the hook cause you guys are capable of doing it too. Now that I've put that on the table, Imma go into the topic of discussion.

[*Why Do It?*]

I think that snooping is the dumbest thing EVER. What is snooping? Snooping is basically being nosey for no apparent reason, going through text messages, twitters, facebooks, WHATEVER. It's dumb so stop! So many of my friends have called me crying because they've found something and now their feelings are hurt, I never feel sorry for them because if they were looking for something hell, they should be happy cause they found something, don't try to get all sensitive because you found some shit that you don't like. I mean seriously, if you go snooping through shit what do you want to find? A whole bunch of messages about how much they love you? Yea it would be nice but what are the odds? Slim to none! Here's my thing; if you feel like you should look for something then why are you with them? What is the point of staying with someone if you have to constantly check and see what they're doing? Everyone knows the saying what they don't know won't hurt em yea ok its fucked up but its true. This is where that golden word trust comes in to play. You need to learn how to trust!! Shit happens if someone makes a mistake it isn't the end of the world, now don't get me wrong by no means am I condoning infidelity or things of that nature, but no one is perfect! What people need to do is just flow, go through the motions, quit being so uptight all of the damn time. It makes me so mad when I find out about someone snooping. It's so childish and dumb so stop lol UGH!!

[*The Nerve!!*]

Another thing, I hate when they find something and then have the audacity to try and bring it up. Like I can't help but think, how does that make someone feel when they're talking to their sigster (significant other) and they're like, yea so I was going through your shit today and I found some things and I want to talk about em ... Yeaaaa that would get the side eye from me. Are you serious? The first topic of discussion is, why in the HELL were you going through my shit? WTF!! Forget what you find I wanna know why in the hell you're all up in my stuff! I feel like if you aren't married to someone or engaged then you don't have the right to go through shit. The only reason why being married is an exception is because once you become joined in holy matrimony you're basically giving up the I's for us and there is no privacy lol. Anyway, that really urks me when I hear about my friends doing that! So you go snooping and then had the nerve to tell them about it? PLEASE get your life together and GROW UP!!

[*Time to Perform a Chin Check*]

If you feel the need to snoop the issue isn't whatever it is that you're looking for it's what you got going on and why you feel like you should be doing that. Before you start snooping and pointing fingers you need to do a chin check ie. taking a timeout and thinking about what YOU are doing and/or what your problem is. A lot of people have trust issues but honestly going through stuff is the last thing you need to be doing when taking steps towards building trust for someone. Now I do know some people that are like, yea you can go through my shit cause I'm not doing anything ok when you get the "ok go" then do it, but don't just don't do it on your own. It makes you look VERY stalkerish and crazy. (Get mad)

[*Talk It Out*]

If there's something that is bothering you, why don't you just pull them to the side and ask them about it!! If you're in a relationship where you can't even ask a question then something is horribly wrong and you have bigger things to worry about. Basically all I'm saying is, quit being nosey and trying to snoop!! If what they're doing is that bad then leave em alone. A lot of times people let their insecurities get in the way of trusting their sigster. I'll admit I've had problems like this too because lets face it, no one wants to be cheated on, and no one wants to be replaced. But once again, you have to remember that if it was meant for you and that person to be together than you would be together. So if you find that your sigster has been talking to another attractive individual don't freak out and turn into a wack job and start making accusations, that's the worst thing someone can do in a relationship. Don't accuse, ask. Stop letting your insecurities get in the way of your happiness and your trust for someone else. A relationship is about the people in it but it's also about you. You can't work things out with your sigster until you can sit down and see what you are doing. People tend to say you you you when they need to be sitting back and wondering what they have going on with their damn self. Don't get too wrapped up in pointing the finger, look at yourself first. Oh yea and once again, STOP SNOOPIN!!

Ok I'm glad I got that off of my chest because it was brought up today and I really got mad ya'll lol I had to blog about it!

This video kinda makes me feel bad lmao but at the same time it's hilarious!!!! Bahahahaha enjoy =) ..

SO dope. *

Happy Monday!!!

Happy Monday guys =) !!!

I really don't have a specific topic for today's blog but I have a lot of stuff on my brain, I'm currently suffering from scattegories again!! *Sigh* Guess I'll just let my fingers type and roll with it!!

[*I Have to Say This!!*]

In my last written post I was kind of in a bad mood and was kind of sour when it came to my relationship. I'll admit it happens to the best of us, when you get upset and you say things that you don't mean, but you can't blame me I was on a bad emotional roller coaster ride. Girls experience that from time to time about things in their lives so I'm apologizing to my boo :). We talked and I realized that it wasn't a bad decision for me to trust him in the first place so I'm happy with him, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Even though right now it's kind of unclear what's in store for us I'm more than willing to find out. As usual I'll say I love my B. McQueen. He had to scold me a little and set me straight (lol, a little tough love never hurt anyone) but it's all love with us and that feels good.

[*Birthday Girl*]

As you know it was my birthday on Friday and it was awesome! I didn't go all out and do anything extravagant but I actually liked it that way, I just had a birthday dinner at Houlihan's and had a nice little turnout, the people that really held importance with me showed up so that's all that matters. Surprisingly I didn't go out at all but I'm pleased with the outcome of my bday weekend. I got a lot of me time which is always good. So yay happy birthday to me :) Oh yea!! Pics from my bday are in the It's A Photoshoot section!!

[*Droppin' Knowledge (In Reference to My Vlog)*]

Here's a little reinforcement for The SPM!! I hope you guys haven't forgotten to smiiile :) !! I guess this is my testimony? Haha something like it whatever!!

I have experienced a considerable amount of growth this summer and I'm so excited! I've had to learn some things the hard way but I have no regrets at all. The SPM has been one of the best things that I could've came up with because it has really helped me see things in a different light. That being said, I've came to realize that once you start growing and making changes to better yourself, it's almost like you're form is changing and other things in your life just don't fit anymore.

Let me explain.

Sometimes it takes having to spend time alone to have an epiphany that some things aren't the best in your life and you need to change it. It might be different for you but that's all it took for me, when you're alone you have a lot of time to think and observe things, rather they be good or bad, they tend to get a lot of your attention. Well for the first part of my summer I was dwelling in negativity and I was always worried about things (some of you might remember) and it was literally taking pieces out of me everyday and ultimately I was unhappy and that's not cool! When I got fed up of being sad all of the time, I had to sit back and remember that positivity is the key. Remember that.

When trying to stay positive it's more than just making personal changes, it also has a lot to do with your surroundings. Who you hang out with, and where, is very important. Once you start changing those things you'll notice that a lot of the things that you used to do really don't rock with you anymore and some of the people you used to hang out with you no longer mesh with. I've had to let someone go because they brought a lot of drama and negativity to my life that was unnecessary, even though this person was very close to me, they were holding me back from fully reaching my potential. I know there will be more people to come but sometimes the ones that you're around the most are the ones that tend to have an influence on your decision making and your mood. That's why it's so important that you just sit back and take a survey of your surroundings.

I despise people that constantly have a problem with someone, or they're upset about something all of the time. Just being negative! I used to be like that all of the time but I mean for what? What's the point? You're getting nothing out of it in the end so why waste energy?

Walking around being negative is like walking around with a million pieces of luggage hanging from you, it weighs you down and slows you down from getting to your destination, whatever that may be, so start by trying to take a little piece off at a time and things will be better for you.

[*ANYWHO*]

Now that we got that out of the way, it's about that time for me to start getting ready to go back to school. And I'm so excited!! I'm ready to experience the new scenery and make new friends. :) My last day at work is Friday and that leaves me I think like 2 weeks of down time, I'm really going to strive towards going to California to see Brandon. If he does decide to go back to K State I can see him there all of the time but I really want to get away from Indianapolis for a little while and spend time with my boo, so we'll see how that works out.

I got bored at work today and I found this website where you can like morph faces together and see what your baby might look like well I did one for Brandon && I and she turned out cute!! lol it's almost realisitic kind of. I think she would've came out better if our heads weren't cocked to the side in the pictures I used but they were the only ones that would've even remotely at the time lol. Oh well it still turned out cool. You should try it!

SO dope.*

This had me in TEARS!! *THROWBACK COMMERICAL* Vacation time! ::Insert Big Smile:: Word to Malcy Malc aka @DjProblemChild (Twitter) for sending it to me =)

I'd love to hear from you guys, feel free to share your "testimonies" as well!!!